I Remember This...

This mornings beta was 319. So it looks like this baby is a keeper. :) One nurse thinks there **may** be two babies in there. I say the more the merrier, but Erich being the primary bread winner gets a bit nervous at that prospect. I know we have enough baby girl clothes to clothe at least three girls simultaneously and enough blue/gender neutral to last at least a year. I know that my mom is likely to go crazy again, so I see no problems in that front. And since I'm so anti formula, we don't have to worry about that. So no problems, until you know they start eating food. heh.

Anyway,u/s is scheduled for October 31st. Then another u/s (I believe?) at 8 weeks and I'm free to go to my own OB! By Christmas, I'll be out of the nightmare that is the first 12 weeks. That isn't bad, now is it? Time will fly since Halloween ( u/s)is in less than two weeks, then we have Thanksgiving (another u/s, released to OB), then Christmas (end of first 12 weeks), and January is Magdalena's birthday. See? Time is going to fly! Yay!

The nausea is coming in waves, though still not as bad as with Magdalena. I wish it were worse though, so I felt better. I do feel better after the second beta, and I'm going to sit back and relax. Baby is fine, right? I am exhausted though. We got home from going to see a baby (remember my friend who was due now) and the blood draw, and I was ready to fall down into bed.

Yesterday I opened up the fridge, starving, and thought "oh yeah, I remember this." Nothing looked good. I really wanted some Franks Red Hot Sauce , the vinegar taste was calling me. I thought a hamburger to put the sauce on it, but we had no beef. I have a major hankering for beef, just like with Magdalena. So looking through the fridge, I see some cottage cheese and think, cottage cheese with some franks red hot sound DELICIOUS! And it was my friends. Though now it doesn't sound as good, but believe me, it was. :) Why is that you can be so hungry, but nothing in your fridge sounds good, but everything NOT in your fridge sounds fabulous. Ugh.

I got an offer to go sit with an older man at the assisted living place tonight. He takes himself to the potty and stuff (yay!) he just needs to be watches so he doesn't leave the apartment and get hurt. It's going to be a long night. I'm going out there at about 8pm and I'll be home around 7am-ish. I'll take my knitting to pass the time. My mom is going to come and watch Magalena, give her a bath and play with her until Erich gets home. I'm going to miss snuggling with my family, but I'll make it. I need to, the money is to good to pass up. :(

I want to thank you all for the well wishes, the crossed limbs, the positive vibes, and all of the excitement. It meant so much to me and Erich to see all of the excited people. I'm going to print them all off and save them for the future baby book, so this little person knows how excited everyone was to know s/he was on the way. I sincerely believe this would never have happened without your support and well wishes. I'm truly, truly blessed.

The Results Are In

I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Around 4:30am I just lay in bed listening to Erich and Magdalena sleeping. I was so scared I wasn't going to wake up. And I was thinking about the inevitable.

I arrived at the clinic at 7:40am. I was supposed to be there between 8am and 9am. I can never predict the traffic. Sometimes it's heavy, other times it light. I was called back into the office at 8:15. Immediately after drawing my blood, I felt like crying. It was awful. They said they would call in 3 hours.

Erich left for a service call when I got home, and I spent the next 2 hours facing the facts that I wasn't bleeding because of the progesterone. I cried a bit to get myself ready for the awful phone call that was to come. I talked to my grandparents and they wanted me to meet them at the dentists office.

I went over to the dentists office. Magdalena razzled and dazzled everyone. I was talking to the receptionist and my phone rang. I immediately said "I need to answer that!" I walked away from the counter and answered the phone.

The phone call was the call. It was Jaime, the nurse, calling. She sounded very happy and I was a bit peeved that she would sound so happy when she was calling to tell me bad news. She said," we have the results in Suzanne! Congratulations, you're pregnant!" I immediately started crying hysterically. All of the emotions of the month came flooding and I just couldn't hold back the flood gates. I had myself so convinced that it was negative and that I had wasted one entire year of my life trying to make a baby. The beta came back at 158. I'm officially pregnant.

The Post Where I Go Insane

It's 6:30pm. 13.5 hours till my blood draw. Magdalena and I are home alone. Erich had a service call. I'm anxiously waiting for him to call me and tell me he's on his way home so I can start dinner. We are going to have enchiladas and spanish rice. We are really tight on money so Erich told me to start being creative. His exact words were "pretend you're the Iron Chef, you love that show!" Alrighty then.

Last night was full of more bizarre dreams. I kept dreaming about not making it to the clinic in time, and the refused to draw my blood. I remember I was at home getting ready to leave and it was 8:30 when I realized I needed to be there between 8am and 9am and it takes almost an hour to get there. Thinking about it kinda stresses me out. I'm sure I'll be on time and I'm sure if I were late they would draw my blood, but it still makes me wanna be the first one in the door. Then maybe my blood will be the first in the machine. ;)

So a fellow clinic person who went to this doctor said they called by noon with pregnancy tests. Seriously if I have to wait until 3pm, I may go batty. I need to remember to stick my cell phone on the charger.

I am in the process of making my Mama Pads. I finally got the design right with something that I love. :) I'm making a dozen of them and then I'll probably tweek the pattern a bit more before I sell them. Who wants beautiful Mama Pads? :) My pads will be done tonight, so I'll post a pic of them.

I'm trying to talk myself into two things. I'm trying to tell myself that I will be okay if I have to bleed. No big deal. Just isn't the right time, right? I'm also trying to talk myself into being an optimist and thinking positive thoughts. I'm so torn that I have no clue what I think! Is it Monday yet?

I haven't taken a pregnancy test. I've been very very tempted today, but I've been a very good girl.

Okay, I don't think that I can ramble anymore. Send good thoughts. Though at this point, everything has already been decided. I just want it to go my way, ya know? I can still smell that tiny baby in my dream and feel his soft skin.

Video

Here's a short video of Magdalena this morning. Please ignore the mess, she drags all of her toys to the living room and then at the end of the day I pick it all up. And my knitting is on the table to because I am so close to finishing her sweater.

In the video, Magdalena is eating cottage cheese (Erich let her eat it in the LR not me!) and she is putting spoonfulls on the floor for Gracy (the dog) to eat. You can kinda see Gracy moving around eating the food, but she blends into the darkness.


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The Dream

When I was TTC the first time around, I had a dream about a beautiful brown eyed toddler girl that ran around the house filling it with laughter. That little girl is Magdalena, she matches the picture in my head perfectly. That dream will forever be burned into my brain and it seemed like a gift from some greater power when she came true.

Last night, I had this dream that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the kitchen. I remember seeing the kitchen floor, and this teeny tiny baby sliding out of my body. I asked Erich to get something to cut the cord, and he handed me the kitchen scissors. The baby was so beautiful and I held him to my chest and smelled his sweet head. After we were detached, I took him upstairs where I washed his hair and cleaned him up. I put him in a kissaluv diaper and the tiny newborn wool wrap that I have and looked at him. He looked exactly like Magdalena did as a baby and I remember my heart feeling full as if it were going to burst.

I've been thinking about the dream all day. Feeling that tiny baby against my skin. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it to. I can only hope that it was another gift from above.

Keeping Busy

I'm trying to keep busy. I'm very proud of myself as I haven't "cheated" and taken a HPT yet. And I'm not going to. If they tell me I'm pregnant on Monday, then I will probably take a test so I can see those two lines. I kept the test with Magdalena, wrapped it in plastic and put in a baggy where it now lives in her baby box. I know that is kinda gross, but I feel like I worked so hard to get those two lines, and I wanted to keep that prize. :) It's only fair that I do that the next time.

I need to sew my Mama Pads. I've neglected to do that every month and I feel like I really need to do that. Maybe if I actually get them done, I won't need them. A girl can hope, right? I also have a special embroidery project that needs to be done by Monday just in case things go our way. :)

I reorganized our kitchen the other day to get our toaster oven out and accessible. When Erichs grandparents sold their house in MO (then moved into Senior Living in TX near a son) I noticed they had a nice toaster oven, sparkling clean, and in the original box. I mentioned to Aunt Jan and my MIL that I would really like a toaster oven, but thought nothing beyond that. I was very surprised a week or two later when my in-laws brought it over. :) But I've never really found a good place to put it where it was accessible until yesterday. I'm excited about having it to use. I was able to clear out the toaster since the toaster oven will take that job over. I made Erich some sandwiches and froze them. Now all he has to do is pop it in the oven. ;)

On today's agenda is making an apple crisp (I'm having a major craving) and making banana muffins. The muffins will be wrapped in foil and frozen. They'll make an excellent snack or quick breakfast for Magdalena and Erich. This morning I made English Muffin Bread and later I'll be using it to assemble some egg and cheese sandwiches, which will be frozen. Erich will be able to pop those in the toaster oven in the mornings when he has early jobs, and be able to eat those instead of stopping at McD's.

Right now Magdalena is napping, T is at school, and I have a baked potato in the toaster oven. Soon I'll be eating a meal without anyone asking for a bite of it. That is true luxury my friends. ;)

Yada Yada Yada

I've started using Live Journal for some more intimate posts. If you have a LJ username and would like to be able to read that journal, just leave your username in the comments. I do have veto rights, but there shouldn't be any problems with 99% of your reading. :)

Erich and I took Magdalena up to Michigan City, IN on Monday. Since it was a bank holiday, Erich had the day off and we were able to enjoy a little mini road trip. I went and picked up some things for Magdalena and Lili at the Hanna Anderson outlet store. Magdalena's snowsuit was ordered from there also and should be here soon along with a playdress/daydress, leggings, and some pj's. I'm uploading pictures on my flickr account. You need to be a friend to see the ones of Magdalena though. And for your viewing pleasure I'll post a video for you here. :)

Magdalena had fun running in the sand barefoot. It was pretty windy out there but it was still nice. Erich said we couldn't leave without letting Magdalena dip her toes in Lake Michigan. (brrr! That lake is cold!) She didn't really enjoy the dipping, but she did enjoy chasing Daddy!


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ETA: Everyone who left their LJ name has been added. :) You should be able to see me when you look at the manage friends screen. Manda, I've emailed you. Dianna, could you make sure I added the right name.

I've Got Meme

You are RACHEL RAY, host of "$40 a Day"
and "30-Minute Meals". Youre zany,
just a little bit dorky, but you know your
stuff. You show quick and easy meals that dont
break your budget. You also love to travel,
and hunt for the most fun and the best deals.
You obviously love having fun and love showing
others how to have fun. Youre adventurous and
happy-go-lucky, yet way frugal and thrifty.
Good job!


Which Food Network Personality are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Imposter

From Ovagirl:

"So this was me, mincing, up to Mary'?s place, to have a little chat and make a couple of requests. It couldn'?t hurt, I figured. I asked for me But I asked for all of you too. I asked for the women who know the fear, the loss, the hurt, the grief, the gut tearing anger, the tears. The women who write about their pain, and the women who read about it and who recognize their own story about infertility on the screen before them. We all tell the same story, again and again, in a multitude of variations. Like snowflakes. Like popcorn kernels. Like babies. Like us. I know logically there can'?t be happy endings for every single infertility story being told on the web. But I asked anyway. For all of us."


I often feel like an imposter in these rings of people who are dealing with same crap I'm dealing with. I may have had a drug cycle like IVF'ers, but I didn't do IVF. No egg retrieval, no transfers, just needles and loving. To be honest, sometimes the loving feels a bit routine and mandatory. After all someone told us to have "intercourse." But it isn't in a cold sterile room (though a change of scenery might have livened things up LOL). Anyway, what I'm saying is that they just pump me full of drugs and send me home to my husband.

So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. Friday they called to tell me they wanted me to take another dose of Antagon, FOUR vials of Repronex, and then on Saturday AM take 175 of Follistim and trigger Saturday evening. So essentially they gave me a giant booster of fertility drugs and then released! Actually they didn't come out until yesterday morning, and it woke me from a sound sleep. Oh the agony! I lay in bed imagining all those follicles rupturing and the little eggies traveling into my tubes being met up by the most handsome spermies they had ever seen! They danced, talked, and hopefully some of those spermies jumped right in if you know what I mean. And don't you worry, there were plenty of spermies and as long as they weren't all shy, we'll be successful. I told Erich that I'd hate for his boys to go all middle school dance on me. You know, a cafeteria with punch and balloons, his boys on one side of the room, my eggs on the other. There better have been dancing! Sheesh. :)

So now we wait. Each night I get out my crinone suppository and think, please God Please! I feel nothing. A bit of soreness but nothing terrible. I'm waiting. 8-10 days before they implant. 13 days until we find out. Please God please. If those kiddies danced, we'd have babies due just 3 days after Erich's birthday. 9 days before my birthday! Happy birthday us! Please God Please! Let me have my birthday early. I'll even make it up to you and not complain at the end. You can even make me way overdue so I'll be pregnant on my birthday. Please. I'm begging!

If the test comes back positive, I have a plan to tell Erich. I want to make it special. I'm so excited. I sit on my hands right now, willing myself to not start on that project. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to be to hopeful. I don't want to not have hope though, that would be no good. I'm neutral. I'm ready. I'm praying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, praying. I'm not going to take tests this time. Maybe I'm supposed to learn patience. Maybe this is my lesson to learn. It didn't happen for a reason last month. This is my month. That is what I keep chanting. **whispers** This.Is.My.Month. Please God Please.

Ouch

Well this morning was the last u/s of this cycle! yay! It was a very very good u/s at that. There are three follicles in the right and seven in the left for a total of NINE follicles! Wow. We trigger tomorrow and by Monday there should be SEVEN follicles mature enough for fertilization. So we achieved Dr. H's request of 5 or 6 follicles.

My stomach looks awful. It's littered with little bruises but the big thing is that I'm having some sort of skin reaction to the injections of Repronex. From one side of my tummy to the other is one giant hive that is raised, red, hurts, and itches. I was told that this was somewhat common with Repronex but the website says 5 in 100. I've been slathering on hydrocortisone cream like it's going out of style. The funny thing is that the hive doesn't appear until the next morning (I take the Repronex at night). So I have two different injection sites that have meshed into one and another one that should pop up in the morning. I just got back from the drugstore with some oral Benadryl. I'm going to start popping those. My tummy hurts so bad! I can't even do the dishes because I can't stand to get up next to the darn sink!

In really great news, my body is giving me all the signs that it is ready for a baby. It probably shouldn't surprise me that these signs are very strong and abundant considering my ovaries are very very full.

And someone asked what ovary pain felt like. I feel pressure, twisting, throbbing, and stabbing pains. It's uncomfortable, but I know things are going well. It hurts if pressure is placed on my tummy (from the allergic reaction and the ovaries). It also really hurts if my bladder gets to full kinda like when you are really really pregnant.

So, we'll trigger tomorrow. Should ovulate Monday morning(ish). I'll start progesterone support on Monday evening and Monday October 17 I'll go in for a pregnancy test. So we are in the final stretch! Please be thinking sticky egg vibes this weekend and next week. I'm hopeful and excited and ready!

Cycle Day 10

I'm okay. I kind of vanished for a bit there and I apologize. Life has been super busy. Saturday I had an ultrasound and blood draw. All looks well, and at that point my left ovary looked a bit sluggish, but was responding. My estradiol level came back at 97 (we're aiming for 100) and so my meds were increased from 150iu to 200iu. My estradiol should be doubling every 2 days at this point so on Monday I went back for another ultrasound. Both right and left ovaries have "a bunch" (nurses words not mine) of follicles all measuring at about 9mm in size. Right where they should be at this point. My left ovary seems to have pulled ahead and is looking a bit better than the right side, though they both ache all day long. My estradiol level came back at a whopping 245! So, I was told to take 200iu yesterday and 175iu today. Tomorrow AM I go back in for another blood draw and u/s. Hopefully this time both ovaries will be on track and we'll get a better count. We weren't really able to count last time because my bladder was full, though I didn't feel like I had to go to the potty until that dang u/s wand was um, you know, put into position. So alls well right now. I have all of my drugs. Erich asked me if I was planning on opening a pharmacy on our front porch. heh.

The Man With A Plan

Yesterday morning I went in for my (obviously negative) beta HCG blood draw. I was informed that I needed to make an appointment with Dr. H and I would have to wait a cycle before starting drugs again. Almost in tears, I approached the counter, paid my balance, and asked to make an appt. She asked me how soon I wanted it and I asked for this week, because I knew I'd forget all the questions mulling around in my head if I waited to long. She said she had an appt that afternoon at 2:15 and I jumped on it. :)

So Magdalena and I went and found Daddy who had a service call early that morning. We went to a couple of computer stores and then went to Chilis for lunch. After that Daddy had to head to work and Magdalena and I went to Wild Oats for some Bac Out and then to Target. At about 1:30 we headed back towards the doctors office arriving there around 2pm. Magdalena was asleep and I somehow managed to carry her in to the office without waking her up.

We waited, waited, and waited some more. Around 3:15 they called me back and I chatted with the nurses. At about 3:30, Dr. H came in. He apologized over and over about leaving me waiting so long with an almost 2 year old. And then he apologized for not getting the results we wanted. He said he was sorry it didn't work. I pointed out that it did work (I made eggs) but we didn't achieve the wanted outcome. :) He said I should be the doctor, that sounds exactly what a doctor would say.

We talked about how my left ovary stopped responding and he agreed that it was probably "resting" since last month it was the over achiever. We talked about an IUI and how Erich really doesn't want to do that and Dr. H made it clear that he didn't think an IUI would make the difference for us. And then he laid out the plan...

The plan is to start out on Follistim at 150units. (Last month we started at 125units.) Towards the middle of my cycle he will give me a drug called Antagon which will essentially shut down my pituitary gland so that it won't send out the surge and make me ovulate. Since he is shutting down my pituitary gland he has to add in another fertility drug called Repronex. When he gets the desired amount of follicles at the desired size he'll trigger with Novarel (HCG). Three days after ovulation I'll be put on progesterone support since my pituatary gland may need a bit of help after the Antagon. The progesterone they will put me on is Crinone.

After the plan was laid, I asked if he really wanted me to wait a month. I really wanted to keep going and he agreed that I could as long as I didn't have any big cysts or such from the drugs last cycle. So he sent me in and did my baseline u/s immediately and all is well in my ovaries. And so we were given the thumbs up to keep going. :)

So there you have it. :) Injections start today. I'm 99% positive that I'm going to be hurting when I get done with this cycle. That is a lot of injections, sometimes 3 a day plus every other day blood draws. Not to mention the butt shot and all the vaginal u/s. Of course all of that sex will wear me out too. ;) But hopefully in 14 days (or so) I'll be incubating a tiny embryo, and hopefully in 28 days, I'll be puking and not bleeding and otherwise blissfully pregnant. So start contorting your bodies and crossing things and sending me some baby vibes. And you ladies are the best in case you didn't already know it. Thank you for following my journey and being anxious and hopefuly with me, it means the world to me and helps SO much.

June Baby Anyone?

Well, we're moving on. Started bleeding this morning. I'm sure we'll be starting the next round of drugs in a couple of days. Thanks for the well wishes.

No News and Some News

Okay, well I was saying before that if I make it to Friday without bleeding then I'd be home free. See this is two weeks from my trigger, and last month I started bleeding two weeks from trigger (12dpo). So it's Friday and I'm not bleeding.

Monday I decided that I'd get a three pack of tests and amuse myself (and occupy) by taking a test on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I figured, if they came back positive then I could hold out hope, right? Well, Monday evenings test was a big fat negative. So I just shrugged it off. Wednesday test was a faint positive. Faint is the key word here. I said it was the trigger shot (while my friend Krista started getting a wee bit excited). So I couldn't wait until Friday and Thursdays test was another faint positive. Krista said if it were trigger than the line should disappear, right? I said if it were a pregnancy, it would get darker right? She said that didn't happen with the pregnancy she is currently in.

So that brings us to today. I'm not bleeding, I don't feel like I'm going to bleed. I'm 12 dpo, early. I just took an eqate test with the plus minus thing and there is a faint vertical line in the pregnancy part. It didn't really show up until minute 8, but anything within the 10 minute window is still valid, so I've read. And it's very very faint. But I've been told over and over and over again "a line is a line is a line is a line..." **sigh** I have enough tests to get me through Monday (my blood draw day) and to Wednesday (which would be a second blood draw if Mondays is positive.) This line could STILL BE FROM THE TRIGGER SHOT. So wait with me a few more days ladies. Things look hopeful, but I dont' want to get to hopeful, yk? Keep everything crossed. I'll see you on the other side (Monday afternoon). And I'll leave you with a visual of my kitchen window... (they are in the kitchen window because that is where the best light is **wink**)

Where Am I?

Probably in front of the TV eating. I have this hunger that can not be satisfied. It's starting to get annoying. And if you are wondering the kinds of things I've eaten today? I made beef stew and cream cheese muffins. If you knew me, you'd know that I'm really not one for beef stew. In fact, my mom asked me why I was making beef stew since I don't like it. **shrugs** It sounded good. And it was okay. And the muffins were okay too. The cantaloupe was great but the salsa con queso was a bit salty. I'm already a big girl so all of this eating probably isn't helping. I had fully intended to walk to the PO today (yk, to off set the eating) but it was 95 degrees today. No sir, I won't walk in that heat. So either I'm getting ready for AF, or there is a baby who is jumping on the eating bandwagon.

And unlike last month where I had a definite feeling that things didn't work, I'm lost this month. Some moments I think "nah" and other moments I feel "maybe?" Is it Friday yet?

Popping In

I just wanted to say that on Friday we got some really good news. :) My right ovary, the overachiever that it is, produced three GORGEOUS follicles. They are 19mm, 20.5mm, and 25mm in size respectively.

After talking to my cousin who has the triplets, her follicles were 17mm, 18mm, and 19mm. :) So I'm feeling good about my GIANT follicles. I hurt a lot though, well I did. The pain has eased. I most likely ovulated around 7am this morning.

We triggered on Friday evening. My cousin, L, gave me the shot. This time it didn't hurt so much during the shot, but the next day and even this morning I am SORE! My arms look awful as I think my veins blew on the draws on both Wednesday and Friday. People give me weird looks and I want to say, hey if you think the bruises on my arms are bad, you should see my stomach!

We were told to have "relation" on Saturday and Sunday. I'm hoping that those swimmers don't hesitate to stop for directions. Though, with those GIANT follicles, they won't be missed! They are standing there saying "get me! get me!" LOL And let me tell you, it's weird to be told to have relations with your husband. Really, it is.

So that is the update. On Sept 19th I go for a beta HCG draw. So all of you fertile myrtles, send me some sticky egg vibes! And some baby dust! Oh, and PRAY that those swimmers are man enough to stop for directions and find their way to my GIANT eggs!!!

Random Stuff

The appointment went well yesterday. I'm not going to go into the details, but there are follicles and my estradiol more than doubled again. It was 277 on Monday, and yesterday it was 625. They did increase my meds again. I hope I trigger on Friday, because if not I'll have to buy more meds. Ugh.

In really great news (and bad too) my ovaries really really really hurt. They feel large like golf balls and they are constantly achy. They are heavy and hurt when stepped on by toddlers. My stomach is also getting bruised and battered and my arms look like an IV drug users from the four pokes I've gotten on each doctor visit.

In other news, I've decided that I need to stop sitting in front of the computer so much. I have so much stuff that has to get done like correspondence, reading, some writing, knitting, canning (still), and baking. Not to mention that my house has been slipping because I'm so tired lately. I'm not sure why I'm so tired, maybe my body working to hard to make eggs? Who knows, but if I cut back my computer time, I'll get the other stuff done. In fact this morning, I've gotten the laundry going, vacuumed the carpet in the LR, playroom, and entrance. I've pulled off the cushions on the couch and chairs and vacuumed up stray cheerios. I made Magdalenas breakfast and cleaned the DR table off. I sprayed out poopy diapers and set some in the sun to bleach stains. I've been very productive. So my plan is to get up, check my forum, read email and blogs and then shut the computer off until I've completed a bulk of my tasks. Then I'll check stuff again, and turn it off to do the rest of my tasks. And right before bed, I'll check blogs and email again. Sounds like a plan, huh? Now if I can stick to it.

Also, I've taken over Hip Attachment for Lili. If you haven't been over in a while, go and post! If you aren't registered, well what are you waiting for?

Smells Like Teen Spirit

It's raining here. Katrina is well traveled. The winds are picking up and we are about to catch the worst of her, or what is left of the worst. I love the rain, I hate the devastation it has caused, but ah, the rain. It's going to be glorious to cuddle up in bed with my husband and daughter tonight while the rain pitter patters against the window panes. The great part is that the rain smells like fall. There is a very distinctive smell of summer rain and of fall rain, and this definitely smells like fall. I'm so excited for fall. The beautiful leaves and the cool evenings... **sigh**

Another u/s first thing in the morning. We are getting really close to trigger. My ovaries ache, my head has been pounding since last Wednesday and I'm just ready to have a little baby growing inside of me. Seven, at least one has to stick, right?

A Meme

3 things I bet aren’t in/on your


Fridge:

1) tylenol suppositories
2) a bunch of fertility drugs
3) a convection oven (on top of my fridge)

Desk:
1) a payoff notice for our car loan (we just refinanced)
2) a four keyboards
3) a bunch of syringes

Car:

1) syringe and needle (these treatments seem to be scattered across my life huh?)
2) cheerios (all over the floor)
3) knitting bag full of yarn and projects

Early Response

Okay, so I've been going along and giving myself injections every day. I'm taking 125 units every night. Saturday morning I went to have an u/s and bloodwork. We saw several follicles and my estradiol level was 135. (They like your estradiol to be around 100.) So alls well.

Today I went back for another u/s and bloodwork. (I'll be going every other day until trigger.) We saw big fat follicles! I'm not going to spit the number out, but I'm going to make you work for it. I'm going to ask you a question and the answer is the number of follicles. Ready?

How many dwarfs were in Snow White?

I'll wait for you to get up off the floor when you figure out the number! :) My estradiol level is 277 today! (They want it to double every two days!) All follicles are between 12mm and 14mm in size. They want the follicles to be 18mm in size to trigger. So they are stepping up my meds to 150 tonight and tomorrow. Wednesday is another u/s and we may trigger sometime between Wednesday and Friday! :)

So, I'm going to need all the baby dust, sticky egg, healthy sperm, stars in the right line VIBEs you can send me! So excited!

**yawn**

I'm tired. I'm usually not tired anymore during the day. Yesterday I took a nap with Magdalena. I've even been laying her down early because I am so tired. It sucks to take these naps though, because that is when I have peace and quiet and time to sit and knit and just be by myself. With Erich gone a lot, I need those two or three hours to just regain myself. ugh.

Pokey the Pincushion

You guys seem to like it when I talk about my treatment rather than my boring chit chat. :) No worries, I know I'm boring. **wink** And truthfully the most exciting thing happening right now is my infertility treatment. Anywho.

Last Thursday, I had my drug conference. We went over how to give the shots and such. I found out that we aren't going to do Repronex (cheap injectibles) like we had previously thought. We are moving straight to the expensive stuff, Follistim AQ. From what I gather from Dr. Google, Repronex was a drug that imitates follicle stimulating hormone. (the hormone that "grows" follicles) The drug that I am taking, Follistim, is actually follicle stimulating hormone. Everyone with me here?

So anyway, after lots of drama talking to my insurance company and getting connected to the people who need to send me the drugs and reminding them that they are paying for them all, I got somone to agree to send it to me by Tuesday (yesterday.)

So last Thursday, we did my baseline u/s. My ovaries look normal, I definitely released the last eggs. In each ovary there were four (or so) tiny follicles. No cysts, so we are free to move on.

So yesterday I started poking myself. It really isn't that bad though. I managed to put it in a place that was numb (from my csection) and everything was dandy. Today it felt like a pinch, but I have a bruise now too so I think I may need to switch to the other side. That sucks, because the other side isn't quite so numb. My cousin (the one with triplets) called me a chicken. Heh.

So I'm feeling good right now. Glad to be moving forward, and I feel confident and calm about this cycle. I can't predict what will happen. All I can do is hope and pray and take care of myself and trust that Something Good Will Happen. Let's all keep chanting "Augusts pain brings Mays babies..." (And yes, I said babies. What's your point? Darnit if I have to poke myself every day for 9-12 days and then have another big shot and several vaginal u/s I better get 2 for the price of one! heh. )

On Saturday, I have a vag u/s and bloodwork. At that point they may or may not adjust my meds. I go back again on Monday for the same thing. We are looking at a tentative trigger date of next Wednesday, but that is highly subjective.

I'm off to bed. And feel free to ask me questions if I left something out that you really want to know. ;)

I am too Intellectual! :)

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Your personality type is SLOAN

You are moderately social, moderately moody, moderately organized, accommodating, and non-intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Charlotte, Harrisburg, Cleveland, Memphis, Cincinnati, Kansas City, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Richmond, Philadelphia Area, Greenville/Spartanburg, Reno, Indianapolis and these international countries/regions Luxembourg, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Turkey, Taiwan, Iceland, Hong Kong, South Korea, Portugal, Philippines, India, Guam, Canada, England, Indonesia, Japan

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
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Flickr...

I'm posting photos in batches over at Flickr. You have to be a friend to view my photos, so if you want to see them then leave a comment with your user name and I'll add you as a contact. I hope you all understand why we're doing this. With all of the talk about people ripping off photos and using them for gross purposes, Erich and I feel a bit safer behind closed doors so to speak. And it won't be a problem as long as I know you. :) If you are a lurker, please leave a bit about yourself or direct me to your blog.

There will still be the occasional photo here, but the bulk will be at Flickr. I know you can't get enough of my gorgeous daughter. Flickr accounts are free, so go on now, go sign up. **wink**

Harvest

I'll be canning for the next few days. Look for me then. :)

Party Pooper

I'm around, but feeling a bit sorry for myself these days. It seems everywhere I turn around online someone is pregnant or just had a baby. And so consequently I'm feeling all whiney and bitchy and generally not happy about the situation I'm in. I know that nobody enjoys being infertile, but seriously, this bites the big one. Man I hope this next cycle works.

You would not believe how incredibly excited I am about this movie coming out! It is absolutely my favorite musical of all time! Have I ever told you guys that I was a vocal performance/music education major? Well, I was. :)

Yay!

Isn't this exciting?

And it's so close to me! You can bet your bottom dollar that when I have another baby (or two!) I'll be out there donating all my oversupply. I totally qualify to (except for not birthing in the past 12 months.) But seriously, I'll be a frequent visitor. ;)

HSG was very very very painful. Ouch. Oh. Ouch. But I saw my ovaries and my tubes and they are hanging out in there going "hello! We are perfect and waiting for a baby! Send something my way!" Ms. Uterus is very angry with me right now saying things like "how dare you send such vile stuff up here in my beautiful home. Now I must clean with a vengence!"

Dr. declared my uterus perfect and normal. Woot. :) SO the plan... that's what you're all waiting for right? :)

Thursday I go in for a drug conference. They teach me how to inject drugs into my flabby (yet partially numb) tummy. (I had a csection and yes part of my nerves never really got the hint to start working again.) They'll give me all the stuff to order my meds. Once the meds arrive I can stop the birth control and five days later start the injections. No waiting to bleed! yay! In a perfect world, I can stop the pills in anticipation of the day the send the drugs and start the next day. ;) This is all dependent on Erichs erm sample coming back A. OK. But I'm not really worried about that. :)

Like A Boob In A Torn Bra...

I'm outta here. I'm off to have my uterus shot up with radioactive dye. I hope your day is as good and even better than mine!

If You Didn't Know Already

Being 18 months old is really hard work.

Oops

The other day I playfully smacked Erich on the bottom with a spatula while we were all in the kitchen making dinner. Well, Magdalena picked up on it and did it a few times just laughing. We all laughed. When she seemed to be getting to rough, we'd gently remind her to "play gently, be nice!"

Just a few minutes ago, she found a play spatula from her little kitchen and came up and smacked me on the bottom and giggled! All I have to say is, um, oops.

Google Meme

Because I wanna be like Julee.

Google your name in quotes with an "is" -- ex.: "(your name) is" -- pick your favorite ten responses and post them.

1)Suzanne is hitting the road this summer

2) Suzanne is able to paint a palpable picture of the status of corporate coaching, define critical issues and provide tips for successful execution of coaching initiatives.

3)First, Suzanne is definitely not a Korean name; it's a Western or American name.

4)Suzanne is a natural teacher and believes her job is to facilitate others in becoming their own authority so they can heal their own lives and create a life with meaning and purpose.

5)Suzanne is a breeder of German Shepherd dogs, usually producing one litter per year.

6)Suzanne is currently unavailable for consultations (in person or by phone).

7) Suzanne is a highly sought after agent in the Santa Barbara and surrounding areas.

8) I love the fact that Suzanne is truly a poet not just a song smith.

9) 'I Am Suzanne' is an astonishing film, one of the most original movies I've ever seen ... and yet it reminds me of several others.

10) Chez Suzanne is a cozy two bedroom apartment sitting at the foot of a tiny medieval hill village known for the ruins of the Marquis de Sade’s chateau. (this one is the coolest!)

Well, I tackled the embroidery machine. And it simply rocks. I ordered the necessary software that I needed and I'm done for the week until it gets here. I opted to not use sew on tags for my diapers and just use an embroidered label. That way it never tears off or washes out. I HATE when I have a WAHM diaper that I can't identify because you can no longer read the label. With the embroidered label, there shouldn't be any of those problems. :)

Erich has been gone since 8am this morning. He had two service calls for the computer repair business and then was going to drop off a fixed computer and come home. Well at about 2pm he called to tell me that there was a third call. At 4ish he said he was going to get the repaired computer (he had to stop at the shop to get it and such) and then was coming home. Well, he just called and said that he had dropped off the repaired computer but there is now a 4th call to go to. Urgh. It's awful to have him away so long. It is really nice that he is making so much extra money and that we will be able to pay down bills and such but we miss him. And it's so hard to be without an extra parent all week long.

Okay I'm done rambling. Since I've been working on the embroidery machine most of the day I haven't done much around the house. We had to make an emergency trip out of town because I broke a needle on my serger and I didn't have a spare, so that ate up a bunch of time too. All I really want to do though is curl up on the couch and watch TV.

Random Stuff

So. Lots going on here. Magdalena is continuing to use the potty while at home and doing really really well. She even took initiative to just go to the potty chair and sit and use it yesterday instead of coming to tell me first. I don't see her completely potty training at this point, but it's nice to not have to rinse the poopy diapers and have less laundry to do.

Erich has been working a lot. His friend started a computer repair business and Erich has been in on it the entire time. This last couple of weeks has really picked up and we just don't see him anymore. This has been rough for me with the anxiety of my 2ww and the let down of AF showing up. But I can't even tell you how hard this has been for Magdalena. She really really misses her Daddy. As a result she has been pitching fits and has been super super clingy. She never cries when I leave generally. Yesterday I was leaving her with Erich to run to the bank and Erich says she lost it. So, it's been a tough week.

I'm so proud of Erich though. He has taken on a lot and has really helped us out. He just handed me a check to deposit and it's enough to clear off all the debt on one credit card. I'm giddy about paying this off. I know he is happy about it too. And I am actually imagining the next debt we are going to pay off.

The insurance guy is coming over in a bit. I saved us a ton of money by switching to Geico. JUST KIDDING! You have all heard that commercial right? LOL We had Geico once and didn't like it at all (sorry Manda!). Anyway, I called the guy and had him add home insurance to our policy with them. (Previously we only held auto policies with this guy) We saved like $200 by switching the insurance and then saved $100 on the auto policy. I also took off some stuff on our auto insurance that was really really stupid and then I added the stuff for my home biznaz. So I saved us a grand total of $600. Wowee that felt good. That's like a week and a half of work man. So I get to just lounge the rest of the week right? Nope.

I got my embroidery machine Monday. I've been trying to sit down and really get it going but a number of things have been standing in my way. A) Magdalena is super clingy and not really into me sitting in front of my machine. B) The embroidery machine is a bit intimidating. There I said it. It's all computerized and fancy-schmancy. It threads itself! How cool is that! If Erich gets a couple of hours to play with Magdalena I am so going downstairs to conquer that mountain. C) I need to sew diapers.

Definitely going to go get some stuff after the insurance leaves and then I'm going to cut fabric to make some diapers. Are we all getting excited about my store opening? I am! Things are falling into place nicely. I've finished the pattern for my knitted soakers. I have a friend working on a pattern for crocheted soakers. I've found a place to supply yummy soaps and powders and lotions and such. Oh! It's so lovely and exciting!

Okay, I'm going to go eat a cookie. I deserve it. Then after the insurance guy comes I'm going to go pick up my birth control. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry and Elaine are in a big fight over things that had happened when they were dating? It was about being in the bedroom and finally Elaine comes over and says "we have to have sex to save our friendship!" and Jerry says "sex... to save the friendship? sex to save the friendship..." That's how I feel right now. "birth control.. to get pregnant." LOL

Plan B

I started bleeding this morning. I knew this was coming last night as I started spotting. I'm feeling a bit better though I'm still pretty sad. I'm starting birth control tomorrow to put me in a holding pattern so I won't develop any follicles. Next week, I'll have an HSG and Erich will have a sperm analysis. Once we get the plan of action layed out, we'll order meds. Once we have all our meds, I'll come off of birth control and then bleed and start the new cycle.

In other really great news, Magdalena has started using the potty a lot! Yesterday she started asking for it and had lots of pees. This morning she asked and peed in it then asked again a few minutes later and pooped in it! She gets off then looks in the potty, grins really big and says "yay!" It's really too cute.

I Didn't Know It Was Possible

I didn't know it was possible to be this tired. I'm dragging! Oh My Word. I know I've been complaining a lot about it, but seriously, something has got to change.

And I'm incredibly annoyed by the majority of the population right now. This is really annoying the crap out of me. Along with just being generally annoyed with most people. I'm hoping that the exhaustion and irritation are signs of Something Very Good. But we won't know for a while.

So since I am so whiney, tired, and irritable, I'm going to lay low for a few days. Look for me next Thursday. If I appear at other times, consider it a gift from me to you.

Is It August Yet?

Oh My Goodness! It's HOT! The high was 101 degrees with heat indexes around the 120 mark. It's HOT. And miserable. Ugh.

I'm stinking exhausted. Seriously, I'm dragging big time. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I wake up in the morning feeling like I just went to sleep. This sucks!

The current state of my uterus remains unknown. I get twinges now and then but nothing major. My temp is holding itself well above coverline. Only time will tell. And I'm really not grooving on Father Time right now. Can we fast forward to a week from Thursday?

Questions and Answers

Mama Bear asked why we would move on to Plan B if Plan A didn't work the first month. So here is why:

This really isn't the first month of Plan A. Plan A is clomid. Most will remember I did two rounds already, one in February and one in March. These were unassisted. They gave me the clomid and sent me home. Last month (June) we took 100mg of clomid a day for five days. On the 12th day of my cycle I went in and had an u/s and it revealed that no follicles had developed. We waited for my period to move on. On July 6th, I started to bleed. On cycle day 3 I started Clomid at 150mg a day for five days. Monday was cycle day 13 (cd 12 was on Sunday and they don't work that day) and I had my u/s. We found two follicles, one in the left and one in the right, and many other smaller follicles. I was given a Novarel// HCG trigger shot on Tuesday to tell my body to release the follicles. On August 4th I go back for blood work.

If I start to bleed or don't get pregnant, than they will move me to Plan B which is injectable fertility drugs. We would start with Repronex. The theory is that even though I made follicles with Clomid, Repronex would mature more follicles. Instead of two mature and two other little ones, there would be 4 mature. 4 follicles would give me a much better chance at conception since it isn't like all would conceive and/or stick.

My personal prophet Erich feels like "he achieved the goal." I think he is full of crap. We shall see!

Oh, and since Wednesday night I haven't had anymore ovary pain. I felt a bunch Wednesday around midnight followed by a release of pressure (that is what it felt like!) Since then I've had a few twinges here and there, but nothing big. Only time will tell.

Oh, My Aching ...

ovaries. There is definitely something going on in there. Lots of pressure, pain, tenderness and a general feeling of heaviness. I felt like that with Magdalena. Like my follicles were the size of rocks. So in my body right now my body is applying super power hormones (injected yesterday via my patookie as T calls it) to the follicles that have developed. The follicles should burst within the next 6 to 8 hours sending an egg out and into my fallopian tube. Hopefully the tubes fingerlike parts will sweep it safely into the tube where it will be greeted by Erichs boys. (yes, they should already be waiting there. heh) And don't worry, if they aren't there now, there shall be more visiting very soon. ;)

If I'm lucky, both eggs will be released allowing a greater chance for conception. We won't know anything for TWO weeks. Man. That's a stinking long time. And I can't even start testing soon because they will be false positives due to the trigger I took yesterday.

It is pretty cool that two days ago I saw follicles inside my body that could possibly turn into half of my son/daughter (s). It's pretty wild. I can say, "I saw you before you were even concieved!" Now that's crazy!

August 4th I go back to the office to have my blood drawn for a pregnancy test. I have to be there by 8 (I'm sure I'll be pounding the door to get in!) and they run the pregnancy tests daily (thank goodness!). I should know something by 5pm on August 4th. Mark your calendars. This is where it gets a wee bit tricky. If it's negative you'll know as soon as I know because I'll post. If its positive and the results come after Erich leaves for work, then you won't know until the next day. K?

And all of that information is pointless if I start to bleed before August 4th at which point we move onto Plan B. Plan B is painful and time consuming, so let's all hope Plan A works, k?

Trigger Happy

Yesterday was the worst ovary pain day yet this cycle. Ugh. It makes me happy that those eggs are still growing and such, but ouch! Today we triggered. What I thought would be a simple poke in the butt, ended up being a bit more complicated.

For those of you who have never triggered ( you lucky dogs) , you have two vials of stuff and a syringe and medicine. Now Erich is a big fat chicken so I had my cousin do the shot. So I drive over there and we reconstitute the med (one vial is a powder like substance which is the medicine, the other is a sterile water type solution, you mix this stuff up and poof! egg inducing juice!). We read the pkg and start talking and realize that I need a 10,000unit shot but the syringe only holds 3,000units. So I'll pause while you do the math on how many shots with the 3,000 unit syringe it would take to get up to the 10,000. **short pause**

Right, 4 shots! Ouch. Now, I hate shots to begin with and four sounded like no picnic. Not to mention that that needle isn't going to be as nice and pointy, as it was the first time going in, the last time. So we call the pharmacy and mention what's going on. They politely inform me that they only have syringes like I have instock. They are nice people though and tell me they can have one in for me tomorrow! So sweet of you, but I NEED IT TODAY!!! SO I ask them to call the hospital pharmacy and beg them for me then please call me back.

So we stick my egg juice in the fridge and wait a minute or two for the phone to ring. When it does, they tell me that the hospital pharmacy does have them and that I can go out there and get one. He mentions that they said a bag of chocolate might be nice. Heh.

So I head over to pick up a bag of chocolate. I know they were kidding, but they are being nice and giving me a syringe without asking for my husbands hard earned money. And darnit, I'll do anything to get pregnant, yk?

So with Reese PB Cups in hand I go in and get my syringe and hand over the chocolate. They are very surpised and happy and tell me "good luck with your egg juice!" and tell me to come back any time for more egg juice holding syringes. Such sweet folks yk?

So I head back to my car, and drive back to my cousins house where my daughter is circling the house saying "mommy! mommy!" Did I also mention that it is freaking HOT outside and that it is HUMID and I'm on CLOMID and I'm ON FIRE!? Well, now you know. ;)

So we fill up the gigantic egg juice holder with egg juice and she shoves it into my well padded rear. And let me tell you, that was a TON of egg juice. Ouch. And now I sit here typing this. My stomach is turning, I don't feel so good, and my butt hurts. You never think that this is how your baby making experience is going to be, but oh well.

So I'm going to ask you send me some egg releasing vibes, healthy spermy vibes, and sticky egg vibes. (I know! I ask for so much don't I! You all are starting to sound like my husband. heh.)

We Struck Gold!

My ovaries are having a good day. :) Ladies, there are TWO EGGS! ! One in the right and one in the left and "a bunch of other little ones"!!! For those of you who like numbers, the right side egg is 16.5mm and the left is 14.5mm and the endometrium lining is a whopping 15mm. So I have a very thick lining which is good. We trigger tomorrow! Excuse me while I dance around the room and dream of an April baby! (Or babies? **gasp**)

There's More Than Corn In Indiana....

There's HUMIDITY! OH MY GOODNESS! It is currently 6:20am and 77 degrees outside. It wouldn't be bad if the humidity wasn't 93%. Wowza. Just wait, the high should be 90 degrees. Have you ever sat in 90 degree weather with 93% humidity? It isn't pleasant. And with my elevated body temp, I'm already constantly hot indoors!

You may be wondering why I'm up this early. I'm about to head out and take a look in the deepest darkest parts of my body. My ovaries and I have a love-hate relationship. We'll see if this is a good day for them...

18 months (almost)

We had our 18 month well check today. Everything is great. Magdalena weighs a whopping 21lbs and is 30.5 inches tall. She is a petite little thing but hanging on to her growth curves of 25th and 10th percentile. :)

He was very impressed with her words and her initiative on potty training. When he picked her up to take her to the other side of the room and watch her gait, she RAN back to me. He thought that was really funny. We are officially the longest breastfeeding couple in the history of his practice! That puts a gigantic smile on my face. :)

Let's see. She received two shots and I'm happy to say we are done until she goes to school! Yay!

Right now I'm working on dyeing some flat diapers. It's for my business. We are having our grand opening in August 2005! So head on over to our site and sign up for the yahoo mailing list! If you forgot where we are:

Cloth Beginnings

My life is just incredibly exciting right now, huh? On Monday, we go look deep inside my body and see if there is anything growing. :) Erich thinks that there is something in there this time. I'll tell you that Erich is a prophet. heh. When I was newly pregnant with Magdalena, but hadn't tested yet, he swore up and down that I was pregnant and I refused to even think that. People, this was a few days after ovulation. He just knew I was pregnant, and he was right. So hopefully he is right this time too. Of course, after he tells me he thinks there are eggs in there I follow up with a zillion questions like "do you really think so?" or his favorite "are you just saying that to make me happy/so I'll shut up?" Believe me, he loves it when I ask a million questions like that. :)

Anyway, send me juicy egg thoughts. :) Even if they aren't fully ripe and ready to trigger on Monday, I'm so totally cool with that. As long as there is at least one in there (and dare I hope for two?)

Slacker

I'm a slacker. That is all there is to it. My birthday was Monday. It was okay. Tuesday Magdalena and I left for Tennessee to help my Nana pack. We were there for four days and it was a very long four days! We both missed Erich terribly, but Magdalena missed him a lot more. She regularly walked up to doors and asked "Daddy?" or brought me the phone and said "Daddy?" She was so happy to see him!

My cycle started Wednesday while we were gone. I started the heavy duty clomid on Friday. Yesterday I started having some intense ovary pains. I'm still having some and I feel like I'm in a constant state of heat. I want to say that that is what it was like when I took the clomid that eventually led to Magdalenas conception. Not heat flashes, just a constant heat. I'm not sure, I should go look.

Erich woke up this morning complaining of a sore throat. He says it is because we have the a/c running in the bedroom with a fan blowing. Like I said, I'm hot. So tonight he says no fan. Damnit. How will I sleep? Probably not well.

Magdalena is kinda sorta potty training. At least every other time she announces "uh oh" if she peed. The other times, she tries to take her diaper off then sit somewhere and pee. I'm definitely not ready for this. She has a little baby bjorn potty now ( I wanted to just use the small seats on the toilet, but she is so itty bitty she needs an itty bitty potty). She's peed in it several times since yesterday. So we'll see where things go. I'm definitely not actively trying to potty train her. Erich and I are just letting her lead the way, yk?

An Update

I've really neglected telling ya'll whats been going on. I'm sorry. It's been a crazy, busy, rough couple of weeks to say the least. Anyway, here goes.

The Plan: When I saw the RE he thought that maybe the signal was getting crossed between my brain and my ovaries. He thought my brain simply was not triggering the eggs. So he said he'd be nice and we'd skip the semen analysis and the HCG since he knew we could get pregnant and the main problem is my ovaries. The plan was (and is) to do two rounds of clomid. The first at 100mg, if not pregnant up to 150mg. On Cd 12 we would do an u/s to see follicles then have a simple trigger shot. If after 150mg I'm not pregnant I have the choice to do another cycle of clomid or stop, get the SA and the HCG and then move on to injectable drugs.

The Outcome: I took my 100mg of clomid on CD 3-7. On CD 12 I went in for the u/s and we saw.... NOTHING. No follicles at all. It appears my ovaries tried to make eggs, but they failed. So we are moving on to more Clomid.

I've always talked about the first time I ever ovulated, I got pregnant. I (we) are now thinking that these past three cycles with clomid probably haven't made me ovulate, which would be why I didn't get pregnant. See the train of thought here?

So as soon as my period starts, we'll start 15omg of clomid daily and then go back for another u/s on CD12. So if you pray or whatever, please send us big fat follicle vibes. I feel pretty worthless right now and awful and sad and angry.

Oh, and Monday (July 4th) is my birthday.

New Blog

I started a craft blog! You can visit it here:

http://threadingtheneedle.blogspot.com/

It's A Small World

I have a lot to update you on. Magdalena had a very rough weekend. Today was better and I had a great appointment with the RE. I'm so excited. (And as of 11:24pm Tuesday, I do not know if I am pregnant or not, ok?) :)

But, I wanted to write this entry and tell you about this warm fuzzy feeling I am going to bed with tonight. I just read about how Mani enjoyed the memory I created for us. And I find it incredibly amazing that this woman and I have never met, yet we have walked the same paths here in Indiana. This weekend I went to my Moms house. She lives with her Husband near the reservoir where Mani grew up. I couldn't help but think about how Mani had most likely been there at one point in her life. Mani and I have never met, yet I know details of her life and she knows a great deal of my life. We share these great friends in the computer. We are all brought together by sharing the same beliefs.

When I think of all these great women whose blogs I read, who I chat with online, who I communicate with via forums, I'm overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be in any sort of contact with. And I can't help but giggle like a school girl when I realize how lucky I am to be loved by Mani. :) heh.

For Mani

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

I like your strength.

02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.

I can't think of anything, but really I don't think I could think of anything for anyone. :)

03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.

I'd say 6 oclock or the time around a sunset.

04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

Beautiful.

05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

Since we haven't met, I'll create a memory.
Mani, do you remember that time that we took my Step Dads boat out on the Salamonie Reservoir? We spent the day soaking up the sun, swimming, and just talking about everything we could possibly think of. It was so great just to hang out and enjoy a hot humid Indiana day without a care in the world.

06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

A lovable Puppy.

07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

I've always wondered what it's like to be a Midwife Student, to live on the East Coast. I wonder how you made the transition from Indiana to the East Coast and what was it like?

08. Put this in your journal.

Infertility Beast

Manda enquired about my TTC journey. And well it's a little bit screwed up. See this cycle started on May 10. Remember? So, I thought I ovulated on schedule and should have started bleeding on Tuesday (the 7th). Well, I didn't and I wasted my husbands hard earned money on pregnancy tests that I always tend to fail. So I decided that this really sucks. (Believe me, I'm pretty sure that 'stuff' is not the word I most likely used.) Erich was talking about new jobs and such and I started to think about our insurance and how completely AWESOME our insurance benefits are right now. So I thought "hey idiot, considering half the year is almost over, maybe you should see what IF benefits are covered under said great insurance plan." So I called the insurance company, and the polite young man on the other end informed me that they would pay for testing, diagnosis, AND treatment 100%. Wow. So after I picked myself up off of the floor, I called the reproductive endocrinologist that I had been referred to. I asked the nice lady on the other end to make me an appointment. She asked me how soon I wanted the appointment. I thought that at first this was an incredibly silly question since I thought that it would take months even years to get an appointment. Imagine my surprise when she told me she had an appointment on the 14th. Um, wow. Okay. So I made the arrangements for my Mom to watch Magdalena during this time. The RE is about 45 minutes away so I'll be gone probably 3 hours. I've never left Magdalena for 3 hours with someone else so that makes me a bit nervous. I've also never left her for 3 hours and then left town, so that makes me a bit nervous to. But she loves my Mom and everything should be fine.

Back to my chart. So, I call this wonderful doctor who has great potent fertility drugs and make an appointment. A little later, I'm updating my chart and fertility friends decides that no I did not ovulate on CD 14 but on CD 21 and that I shouldn't test until next Tuesday ( the 14th). Do we all remember what happens on teh 14th? Yup, my appointment with the RE. Now if I come up pregnant the day I'm scheduled to arrange for potent fertility drugs I'll never stop laughing.

Questions and Answers

I need to address the comments that were left while I was on vacation.

Simone asked:

I'm curious to know is the hurt of TTC failure is as raw now as before Magdelena? The fact that you have her, doesn't make it easier? Maybe harder?

The pain is the same and different. It's hard to dwell on the pain and anxiety and failure that every women TTC with problems faces since Magdalena is constantly running around and laughing and playing. She really makes it easier because I actually have a baby and I will always have her. She brings me up when I am down. But she makes it harder. Since I now know what it is like to have that tiny baby kicking inside of me, I know what I am missing. And I desperately want to give her a playmate, someone to laugh and play with. I want to give her a sibling so that they can be close and count on each other. Some day Erich and I will be gone and I want to provide a bigger family for Magdalena so she will still have someone "on her side." I sometimes feel very selfish for wanting another child knowing that I was very lucky to get one. Some infertile women or women who face fertility hurdles, aren't as lucky as me. I can only describe the pain as getting your ears pierced. When they pierced the first one, it hurt, but it didn't seem as bad really because you didn't know quite what to expect. But when the pierced the second one, it hurt much worse. You knew the poke was coming, you knew what to expect, and you already flinching in anticipation of the pain.

Tina made this comment:

"Maybe you need to stop trying. Sometimes from the sheer stress of the situation is enough to keep you from getting pregnant. I've heard of many couples who try for a year or two with no pregnancies and when they finally stop, BOOM they're pregnant."

I'm going to assume that Tina only meant the best by this comment. But any woman who has had trouble conceiving will tell Tina that that comment hurts a lot. That comment makes it seem as if there is actually nothing wrong with my body and that it is all in my head. By making that comment, you deny me the right to grieve that my body doesn't work like the population who "fall pregnant." To make you understand this I've come up with this completely extreme situation.

So let's say my friend Jane is in kidney failure. She was put on a list for a kidney transplant and every day she worries and frets. She wonders, will this be the day I get my kidney transplant? She tells me how sad she is that she hasn't gotten a kidney yet and how bad it hurts to know that her body has failed her. So I come in and (trying to be helpful) tell her that maybe she should just relax. I tell Jane, " you are stressing out about this kidney stuff to much! Just relax, sit back and enjoy life. I'm sure as soon as you stop worrying about a kidney transplant, BOOM that phone will ring! It happens every day. "

Now that example is pretty wild and out there and I hope that I can safely assume none of you would ever say that to someone in renal failure. But that is exactly how I feel when someone tells me to stop complaining.

Stopping In...

Sorry, lots going on. My list of things to talk about here is growing but not today. Today I awoke to the sound of a vomiting baby. Vomiting right beside my head. It's amazin how quickly Erich and I can jump out of bed and get moving when awoken by the sound of vomit. Her fever has been 103 all day long but it finally seems to have broken and she is showing interest in food again. yay. More tomorrow.

Sounds Like Fun

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

Comments, Questions, and More

There are comments that need to be addressed. :) I will get to it. We are still on vacation. Everything is going well and we are having fun. We were in Kansas City, MO up until yesterday. We left there and drove through St. Louis (during rush hour. heh. fun?) and are in Metropolis, IL, home of SUPERMAN! :) I want to go to the Superman museum before we leave. We're headed to Nashville, passing through, and will end up in Knoxville. We are headed up to see Gatlinburg on Thursday. And we are staying with grandparents tonight and tomorrow night in Knoxville. We'll be headed back to Indiana on Friday. I'll address the comments then, k?

Update

Okay, I finally got off my butt and started. I took a small tiny cat nap. You know the kind, where you can hear the TV in the background and you wake up and don't think you have slept any until you realize that the TV is on a different show. I'm about 3/4 of the way through the laundry. It shouldn't take to much longer. I've vacuumed the LR, fed Magdalena and myself, and picked up all the stuff. We ran errands and hit the bank and filled the gas tank up in the car. Next on my list is to do the dishes and finish cleaning up the kitchen. Then my mom should be here and her and Magdalena can pack the bag of toys. While they are doing that I can pack the clothes and such. Then I'll bathe Magdalena and pack up the toiletries. Then once Magdalena is asleep I'll load the car. And then Erich should be home and we'll shove off. I still have a lot to do, huh?

I Shouldn't Be Here

I should be packing, cleaning up my house, and doing massive amounts of laundry. But I'm not. I'm here, piddling around on the computer checking blogs and reading forums. Magdalena is just laying beside me too.
We'll be leaving tonight at midnight and traveling all night. In between laundry, cleaning, and packing I should take a gigantic nap. :)

I Shouldn't Be Here

I should be packing, cleaning up my house, and doing massive amounts of laundry. But I'm not. I'm here, piddling around on the computer checking blogs and reading forums. Magdalena is just laying beside me too.
We'll be leaving tonight at midnight and traveling all night. In between laundry, cleaning, and packing I should take a gigantic nap. :)

Sadness and other things

Time just seems to fly. Here is a recap of what we have been doing.

Saturday we left early and went to a festival. We did some shopping and got a few things that we needed/wanted. Erich bought a really nice executive chair and I'm calling that his birthday present. (His birthday is on the 22nd of June.) We ate dinner here and it was delicious! Erich wasn't a fan but I liked the dish I had. When we went home we did some major reorganizing. We finished the floor in Erichs office/guest room downstairs. We moved the sewing room which was on the main floor to the downstairs into the TV room. The former sewing room on the main floor became the play room. No more toys in the LR. yay. And I spent all week last week getting the nursery on the top floor back in order.

Sunday we had company. Magdalena had fun with her friend. Erich and his friend did who knows what downstairs. And my friend and I pickled cucumbers.

This week I've been getting ready for our trip. We leave Friday night and we'll be back next Friday.

Tomorrow a friend is coming over to help with some sewing. She is going to help me with the labor aspect of my business. It will help a lot and light a fire under my butt to get some stuff going.

On to sadness. I'm bummed on the TTC front. It isn't happening and it bugs me. I'm cycling correctly but I'm just not getting pregnant. The friend that is helping me is pregnant and it's so hard to be around her. And all of my online friends who were TTC are now pregnant and it just hurts so incredibly much. If I get another high temp tomorrow, fertility friend will confirm ovulation. This month would yield a Valentine Baby and a 25 month spacing. But I know in my heart that it won't be. The heartache is just unbearable.

13 Years

Thirteen years ago, my father died. I can't believe it's been thirteen years. I miss him so incredibly much. Sometimes I look at Magdalena and see my father and this overwhelming feeling of sadness and love comes over me. I am a part of him and therefore he is a part of my children. It's so crazy and great at the same time.

In other news, Magdalena will be 16 months old tomorrow. Wow. We leave for Missouri next weekend. And I'm on CD11. So we're busy busy people around here!

Beginnings and Endings

Two years ago today, Magdalena was conceived. What an awesome day huh? To get a postive pregnancy test today, would be having my cake and eating it too. But it wasn't to be folks. I'm starting to spot and I'm pretty sure AF will be here full swing tomorrow. It isn't over until the fat lady sings, but I can hear her doing her warmups. Maybe next month...

Happy Mothers Day!

It's mothers day also known as CD28 around here. FF changed my chart yesterday and said they really don't think I ovulated on CD14, they think I ovulated on CD15. So instead of being 14dpo today, I'm only 13dpo. So we didn't take a test this morning. I decided we'd wait and see if my period comes by Tuesday morning. Also, I can't handle the disappointment on Mothers Day, yk? I will say that I'm feeling super sick to my stomach but thats probably because I'm writing this without my glasses and I just got up and haven't ate.

Happy Mothers Day!

A Big Announcement

I've started my own cloth diapering business. The website is currently under construction but it can be found here. We are called Cloth Beginnings and we are super excited. You can view some things that are currently being sold here. If you feel like you want to support us, we welcome it! And if you win an auction with me, let me know you are a reader of my blog and you will get free shipping!

Also, if you are interested in being a tester, I currently need some help so leave me a message! :)

Little People

I am exhausted. I was ready for a nap about an hour after we got up this morning. It's ridiculous. I don't really think the sleep I got last night was bad though. I can tell you I had a bunch of really random oddball dreams. I can't remember one of the ones that I was thinking of this morning but it was weird.

Anyway, Magdalena is quite the little imitator these days. Anything you can do, she can do better **sings I can do anything better than you!** heh. Sorry, I broke into song. As I was saying, she loves to mimic and imitate and do things like a big girl. She recently started shampooing her hair. As soon as the water gets her hair wet, she puts those cute chubby hands up there and rubs her head. She loves to brush her teeth, though I always get to brush her teeth first. ;) She loves to help with the laundry. I've been just putting the wet clothes on the dryer and letting her push them in. I asked her to throw the fabric softener sheet into the dryer, but she tried to blow her nose with it so I don't do that anymore. heh. The other day I was taking clothes out of the dryer. I'd get a shirt and then shake it out and fold it or hang it up. So Magdalena started taking clothes out of the dryer and shaking them. It was hilarious! If only I could teach her to fold them, because after she shook them, she threw them on the floor.

She is a major Daddy's girl. She loves her Daddy. She is asleep when he gets home from work generally, but first thing in the morning after breakfast she goes looking for "Dadeeee." Erich works in the basement on the desktop computer a lot so she'll walk over to the basement stairs and holler "Dadeee!" When she sees him her face lights up and she giggles and gets completely thrilled. It's the best little face ever, and I'm sure it feels good to see that face smiling at you.

She now marches and dances and sings. Well, she's been dancing and singing for a really long time, but the marching is to cute and funny. It's so funny to see this tiny little girl running around the house. She is so short! Though, in the last two weeks or so, she's gained almost an inch in height. At her 15 month appointment she weighed 19lbs 2 oz and was 30 inches tall. She is finally outgrowing 6-9 month clothes, but only in length. She was declared perfectly healthy and way ahead of the developmental timeline which is always nice to hear. She is such a complete joy and we are so very thankful. I'll post cute pictures tomorrow. Right now, it's time for bed.

I Am Weak (and apparently I Also Have Horns)

Okay, I caved. I'm 9dpo, and I took a pregnancy test. I know everybody is holding their breath right? Well exhale because not only was it not positive, it wasn't negative either. THERE WERE NO FREAKING LINES!!! It was a dud folks. Stupid test.

Anyways, so today I decided that I was going to do the grocery shopping for the month. I sat down, wrote out menus for the month, clipped coupons, and wrote a gigantic grocery list. I sorted the list for things that should come in bulk from Sams club and stuff that should come from my local evil mega supermarket. I also had some random things that needed to be returned.

So I packed up Magdalena and T (as a side note, why do I decide to do this when I have to lug 2 kids around? I have a death wish don't I?) and we left. I had to pay the utility bill and drop the phone bill in the mail, but we were soon on our way out of town. We hit up the wholesale club and exited pretty quickly. I was proud of myself for getting in and out quickly and with only the things on my list. So then I moved on to evil mart.

I took the bag of stuff to the counter to be returned and the lady starts yapping about crap. Somewhere in her babbling this conversation emerged:

Her: How old is your little one?
Me: 15 months. **thinking could you please hurry the hell up, you are taking to much time.**
Her: The price of kids these days! They are expensive. Formula itself is outrageous.
Me: Well, I never use that stuff.
Her: Oh, right. Because she's 15 months old. She can drink milk now.
Me: No, no. We never used the stuff, not even when she was a newborn.

This is apparently where I sprouted horns. The look on that her face was amazing. I had taken a picture of her, you would have all thought that she was staring at a gigantic alien. She acted like I had taken my boob out to show her! Man, I can only imagine what she would have done if she had come across me nursing Magdalena, you know a child that walks and such.

So as always, I've identified myself as a freak in today's society. What's new?

Link

Here is the link to my chart if you are interested:

http://www2.fertilityfriend.com/home/21506

She's alive!

I'm sorry to say that I think I'm suffering from a bit of seasonal depression. This isn't good, since I actually have an official diagnosis of smiling depression. I haven't been on meds though since I got pregnant with Magdalena, and have felt really really really good. But all the cold weather returning and the TTC business has just gotten me into the dumps.

I'm officially in another two week hell wait. Things are going well. I actually ovulated ON MY OWN without the help of drugs or anything. Wowee. Even more amazing I ovulated on CD14, which is what normal people do. Wow. So I should know something in a week or so. I'm 8DPO, and I told Erich that we would not test until next Sunday, which is 14DPO and would mean my period should be here. And, how cool would it be to get a positive pregnancy test on Mothers Day? Not that I'm getting one, because I'm pretty darn sure I'm not pregnant, but hey it would be cool. I'm sure someone out there will be getting one on Mothers Day. Lucky person that one.

See, this is why I don't update! Why do you want to hear me whine about TTC and not getting pregnant. Wah. Grow up Suzanne.

Magdalena is really growing up. Sob. She can march in place now and has added marching into her dancing. She is practically running these days and into everything. Erich said this morning it seems as if she has doubled her efforts to get into everything. She has all of her teeth for this year sans her "fang teeth" as I like to call them. Those shouldn't come in until 18months so it will be about a month or so before they appear. :) Thank goodness, because although Magdalena has been super good about teething, molars were hell. EEk. Oh, and it's official. Magdalena has been sleeping through the night since the end of March. Another growing up milestone. Sniffle.

Spring Is In The Air

It's been absolutely beautiful here. Last night was the first night in over a week that it was cold and it was only about 40 degrees. I turned the heat off last Tuesday and hadn't turned it on in over a week. This morning I turned it on for an hour or so because it was about 55 degrees in here, but once it warmed up to 70 and the sun was shining in the windows there was no need for it. It's so nice without the heat running constantly!

Erich, Magdalena, and I spent a lot of time outside on Saturday. Magdalena and I ran errands Saturday AM and Erich went out to work in the yard. I found two great garage sales where I picked up a computer, monitor, and box of goodies to go with it for $5. This was obviously for Erich. The computer is incredibly old, but the monitor is the same one we use for the desktop downstairs, so it was a good find. And I hit up a sale that had kids clothes for Magdalena and bought her some incredibly cute outfits for both summer and fall. I got about 5 or 6 outfits for under $10. They are all Gap, Old Navy, Carters, and Hartstrings, so I'm pretty stoked about that. I'm looking forward to more garage saling to fill in the gaps of her summer and fall wardrobe! I'm currently buying 12 month clothes for summer as she's just not starting to really fit 9-12 month stuff 18 month/2T stuff for the fall/winter. I'm lucky that she wears clothes for an incredibly long time. She's a tiny girl, but she has gotten good use of all of her clothes. And to those of you who have given us clothes, we are incredibly grateful! She wears all of them and often I put her in something and say "look Erich, that was given to us by Beanmom or Rachel or Dani."

Saturday afternoon we went up to mom's house and Erich and I ended up planting 5 trees up there. Magdalena had fun planting flowers with Grammy too.

Sunday Erichs parents came over. The came over for lunch so Erich and I were up at 6am outside working on flowers and such. We planted flowers on the front porch, flower beds, and on back deck. We picked up all the crap that accumulates on the back deck and I felt incredibly happy to declutter a lot of stuff. The front and back of the house feel like a brand new place.

That is what our weekend was like. I'm headed back out in a few minutes with the girls to resume play outside after naptime. They have some chalk out there that they want to play with and T wants to help me de-leaf the front flower beds. It's a bit chilly outside, but the sun is bright and shining and there is absolutely no reason for us to be inside! T also wants to get in the sandbox (we got that on Sunday) as she's never been in it. I think it is a bit to windy outside though and I don't want sand in eyes. I'm getting excited about all the reading I'll get to do while the girls play in that sandbox this summer! It should be great.

TTC Game

If anyone is following along as Erich and I play the TTC Game, today is cycle day 1. Let's here it for another January baby!