Many thanks to all the ladies who left me comments the other day during my "breakdown" It meant tons. :) And a special thanks to BabyBaby for calling me a princess. I once read a sign that said "sometimes you just have to be the princess you really are" :) And remember BabyBaby, good things come to those who wait. And this may be the only time I am somewhat patient. You are in my prayers and Congratulations! You deserve it!

It's been busy around here! :) Work is slow though and I came home early and hung out with my mother. I ran to Sam's Club and bought a jacket for Papa; tomorrow is his 73rd birthday! The jacket was a nice "three season" with thermal lining. Thought it might come in handy for this crazy Indiana weather and it was only $12! Not that I wouldn't spend tons on my Papa because he is awesome, but we are on a budget people! That and they come over for breakfast like every other day (impending on a princess's(?) (***dangit where is that little cartoon beanmom found when I need it!***) beauty rest BabyBaby!) Yes, they are coming for breakfast in the morning. Buttermilk pancakes, sausage, and eggs I believe. OJ and coffee will also be served. Just call me Suzy Homemaker (although I hate for my name to be shortened) Everybody at work calls me that.

Did I mention that my Papa is the greatest? Him and my father were really close. My dad was his only biological son (they have 6 kids, the first three were from my grandmas previous marriage. From what I hear, the other dude was a real jerk.) We told Papa that the first son we got we were planning on naming Kevin Clayton *** *** after my father. We would have my maiden name and my married name at the end. So it would kinda be like he has two middle names like me. I just tacked my married name on the end without the hyphen! Four really long long names. I must have been crazy! Sometimes I wish I would have met a Smith or Brown or something even shorter. But heck, what fun would it be to go through life with a boring name like Smith or Brown (truly no offense meant to anyone!)? Okay I'm babbling. I'm off to bed. Suzy Homemaker has to be up early to make the world breakfast...

Can we say "robbing the cradle?"

I just finished im'ing with Dawn. She is a neat girl! :) And we are both freaks ;) Isn't bonding with other freaks like yourself just grand?

Hello American Express! Let me tell you a few things.

1) My husband and I are married. We are one. This means that he nor I are primary cardholders. We use the card together and we both pay the bill together.

2) He doesn't allow me to use his password nor does he allow me to use the card. As a matter of fact, I'm the one who holds the checkbook.

3) In the future, kissing the butt of the spouse of the primary cardholder will do you a mountain of good.

It's been a real pleasure doing business with you.

Dawn always finds the neat quizzes! :)





Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?

this quiz was made by the groovy ghouls at Spookbot

My shoes arrived!

I can't take it anymore. Here it is 1am, I'm supposed to be at work in less than eight hours, and I sit here crying because I'm not pregnant. My dh came home and told me that yet another person we know is pregnant. And I really just can't take it! I hurt so bad. I don't know what to do. I have no clue how these women try for years and years and years without success. I feel like this horrible horrible failure. I feel like it is never going to happen. I feel like all this time and effort and pain and meticulous steps are all in vain. Yay I'm not going to die for cervical cancer but since I'm allowing you to live (says God) you can have no babies.

No babies. The two words that frighten me. Those words plague my sleep, threaten lifelong saddness. Could it be that I will never hear the pitter patter of tiny feet running through my house? Will I never look out the window and see my dh playing with my babies and the dogs? WIll I never feel that kick from within, never experience that miracles that only others seem to be doing?

I feel like it's unfair. I feel like I don't deserve this. Hasn't my life been hard enough? I watched my dad die in two weeks from a rare, toxic blood disease when I was nine. I've worked since I was 13, fulltime since I was 16. I never got to do what others did after school, because I was wiping butts in nursing homes. I've missed out on so much. My dad didn't teach me to drive, he never met a date, he didn't see my graduate high school, or even help me move out the first time. Worst of all he didn't walk me down the aisle. The one most important moment in a girls life he was not there. And I MISS him. Damnit! I just want to run and scream.

Why can't this one thing be easy? WHY!? I found out today, in addition to that friend, that this chick at work is pregnant. Not married, and pregnant. And it feels so UNFAIR! I want to scream, "I'm doing it the right way! I'm married! I've found a nice stable home, with a stable guy!" "Are you there God, it's me, Suzanne. Please help! HELP HELP HELP!"

This pain is the worst. The emptiness.Maybe this outrage is just sparked by the extra progesterone they have me on. Or maybe it is the reality that is setting in. Childless Suzanne. I should forget about it. They say stupid stuff like, it happens when you least expect it, or when you arent' trying. Bullcrap. I'm tired of not trying, and I'm tired of trying. Heck, I'm just plain tired. And now all my blog readers think I'm psycho. Damnit.

I'm listed in Blogshares! Go, run, play! :)

Blogger is having issues. That's all I have to say about that.

Life can be so boring sometimes. My weekend came and went to fast. Saturday we ran some errands and then babysat in the evening. Sunday we went to Menards and returned some things. We then bought a prefabricated cabinet and paint and a countertop to go on it (butcher block). We assembled it and made it into our own little buffet to put the hutch on. I really like it too! It is painted a green called cactus green. Kind of resembles a lime cactus color though. :) If I ever find a place to post pictures I'll make sure and get one up so you can see it!

Today was boring at work. We are still really slow with Spring Break. I was done working at 4pm and then had to dodge my supervisor so I wouldn't get sent home. I'm now waiting for my dh. He should be here any minute and I wish he would hurry up! I am starving! I've debated walking across the street to Fazoli's to get something to eat but procrastinated because I don't have my phone with me or the coupons I found for Fazoli's. I'm thinking that some time this week I'm going to get a good book and go over there and have ahuge plate of spaghetti, read, and mooch off of the free breadsticks! :) Maybe he is on his way now... I'll go check.

I'm such a follower!

Unconscious Mutterings

Smell :: Food!
Caramel :: Sundae
Parallel :: Park
Miami :: Beach
Sleep :: Walk
Double :: Dutch
Kiss :: French
History :: War
Vodka :: Daquiri
Click :: Your Mouse

This has been an awfully long week. I clocked a half hour overtime on monday and another half hour today. The husband and I have been carpooling on Monday thru Thursday (did I mention that before?) since gas prices went up. They are coming back down but it is nice to have the time together during the week. :) Not to mention that it is saving bunches of money by not driving the truck everyday. It is expensive to fill that thing! We carpooled today because I am a fool. I get off of work at 19:20 (7:20pm) and he generally gets off between 20:00 and 20:30 (8 and 8:30). Which by the time he gets to where I work, is an hour and a half or so that I wait. I come down here to the library and surf the web, try to post, and catch up on the blogs I can read here from work (some of them are filtered out because of network stupidity.) Today, even though I worked a bit later, I've been waiting what seems like FOREVER!

I did sign up for a blogrolling account. I've added it to my template but I can't see if it works because my blog is one of the "stupidly filtered out blogs." I've been meaning to add a list of links so that people could see who I read and to pay tribute to the wonderful ladies who share their lives with me. But let's face it, I'm HTML stupid and I don't ever seem to have the time anymore.

Exciting baby news is that I bought my Basal Thermometer a few days ago and my temperature spiked this morning. I'm taking it that I'm ovulating considering AF left last weekend. (yes that's right, AF was in town for about twenty days!!!)_We've "taken the necessary steps" to become pregnant (he!he!he!) and now I'm crossing my fingers. I was so excited about the thermometer but even seeing it spike on the graph I started at Fertility Friend has made me giddy and given me a brighter outlook on life! yay!

I have a whole stack of coupons I need to cut out (I swiped them from the coupon box at work. I swear I am the only one that takes coupons out of that thing!) And I want to go to the potty. Everybody have fabulous weekends! I'll try to write more often (I know I say that everytime!) Honestly if I didn't have the stupidest shift in the world (11a-19:20p) then life would be a hell of a lot easier. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a day shift pops up SOON!

Wow.

Last night was just plain awful. After I wrote last I finished up my lunch hour and went back to the floor and got my evening assignment. I go to check on my rooms and they are having problems and send me up for blood. This pattern continues about four times which equaled 9 units of blood, 1 unit platelets, and 2 units plasma. They started a code and called it about 30 minutes later. :( I always cleaned up dead bodies in nursing homes. Other people couldn't handle it so they would come and get me to do it for them. It's the least I could do, clean them up as best I could so that they could go to the funeral home. One last farewell from me since I loved all the residents and only wanted the best for them. I think this was different because I watched as we tried to save this persons life. I had awful dreams all last night. Dreams about walking around the morgue and dreams about shrouding (basically putting them in a body bag) people I actually knew. It was a long day. I got in the car at the end of the night looked at my dh and just said nothing. We went home and I made cinnamon rolls and milk for dinner, climbed into bed, and passed out. I don't ever want to relive that again, though I know that I will someday.

I guess it kind of amazes people of the rare instances when people do actually die in surgery. Sure lots of TV shows say thats what happened but the reality isn't there. We have cases that go bad and we take them to ICU in bad shape but they don't die on our table. The nurse I was working with has never lost a patient in 32 years of being an OR nurse until last night. We were all a bit edgy to say the least.

Today was thankfully boring. I didn't do a darn thing past 4 o'clock, which was fine by mean. Though rumor has it that tomorrow at the meeting they are going to be announcing that anyone who has no work to do will be sent home. Sucky. I love going home but now that I'm carpooling four days a week I am stuck here to my husband gets off work. (usually about an hour and a half after I get off) Besides that I need the 40 hours so that I can keep paying bills off in massive quantities!

I just bought a pair of shoes off of Shoebuy. That's where I got the shoes that I wear ALL OF THE TIME, but they died a few days ago (though I am still wearing them). They seam is coming apart and my little toe sticks out. My husband bought them last time so I used his membership. This time though the shoes were a total of $36.38 marked down from $50.95. I found a coupon for 20% off on Fatwallet and got an additional 10% off for registering to be a member. yay! :) I love getting good deals. :)

Okay, I'm off to go check on imacmom, beanmom, and bizarro girl. :) Have a spectacular evening!

Okay I've just been awful at updating this thing. I'm sorry. It really has been quite busy. Friday night after work I went and babysat. We babysat again on Saturday and on Sunday we did construction cleanup (which is mighty hard work.) While doing this exhausting manual labor, dh and I began to wonder why is it that manual labor pays less than desk labor. Yeah, yeah I know desk labor requires a degree but manual labor is reallyhard!

This morning we had my grandfather over for breakfast, which was very nice. We had pancackes, sausage, scrambled eggs, and some strawberries. Yum! :) Saturday evening we went and did grocery shopping for the entire month. With our coupons (which were doubled by the store) and the ad savings we saved a total of $40 off of our grocery bill. It was quite lovely. :)

Health wise I am kind of at a standstill. Last week the doctor gave me progesterone which would stop the bleeding (period), but although the bleeding has slowed down, it hasn't stopped. At least I'm not feeling like I am bleeding to death (like I did last week) but seeing that I've now been bleeding for 24 days(!) something really needs to happen. Everybody seems to think that a D&C would help and lots of people have them and then become pregnant almost directly afterwards. But let me remind you that I work in surgery and I do have faith in the people taking care of you but I am scared to death of being put to sleep. I know that it is quite safe and people do it everyday like crossing the street. But let us not forget that some people occasionally get hit when they cross the street!

Even though I don't want to I am calling the doctor. I'm constantly exhausted which could be because I am now anemic from the blood loss. So I really need to give her a heads up, ya know?

I promise to be more faithful and write everyday even if I just don't feel awake enough. I'll force myself to, and usually it makes me feel better and it only takes a few minutes, right?

I picked this up from Dawn:


find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

Okay, I'm better. I apologize for my mental breakdown yesterday. It has just been a tough road lately. I went to the doctor. It looks like I am not hemoragging and that my body is responding to the glucophage. My insulin is still not normal but has gone down since the last time we tested! yay! She says this is a VERY good sign. They drew my blood for a hemoglobin and though it is on the low side of normal, it is still in the normal range so no D and C. No surgery! Yay! She did make me take today off to just relax and get some sleep and let my body regenerate the nourishment it is losing. She gave me Prometrium, which is progesterone. She thinks that I'm going to get pregnant soon. Yay! So now lets just cross our fingers and hope that I ovulate this month! :) That nap really helped my outlook on stuff today, can you tell? Still tired but not as exhausted as I have been feeling!

I'm an awful awful person. My mother told me today that my cousin is finally pregnant. She has had about three failed attempts at artificial insemination. And I really and truly happy for her, it's just that is so hard. I want to be pregnant so bad. I want a baby in the worst way. I want to call her but I don't want her to feel sorry for me or feel weird. I have been doing so well now that I got my period but that was eleven days ago and I'm still bleeding heavily. Which is bad. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because Melissa made me. The worst case scenario is that my hemoglobin is really low and I'll need blood and-or surgery to get everything out and hopefully be like brand new. Everybody at work is pregnant. And I do mean everybody. I've never wanted more in my entire life then babies.It is supposed to be so damn simple. You grow up, go to school, get married, have babies. That is the natural progression, right? So why is the one thing that I want more than anything in the world is the one thing that my body is having trouble doing.I can't take it anymore. There are so many people out there that don't want babies or think that babies are a burden and I'd give anything to be pregnant right now. I don't won't surgery, and I don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I want the bleeding to stop, to ovulate, get pregnant, and be done with it. I'm so absolutely sick of going to the OBGYN. I swear my insurance company is sending her kids to college. Why can't I just catch a break? First it was the cervical cancer now the polycystic ovary syndrome. I'm so absolutely tired emotionally and physically. Probably physically because i'm freaking bleeding to death! Though there is some good news that the first pap they did after my surgery showed everything as normal. Two more normal ones and I'll be home free, which means just going once a year which would be grand. That was great news. Now if I can only get out of this without a blood transfusion and surgery. Please keep me in your thoughts, I can't keep up with this much longer...

I'm on call all of this week. I haven't been called in yet, but I find myself waking up a lot at night because I'm worried the pager will go off and I won't hear it! That would be bad. I got here to work today and found out that the night shift guy had called in for tonight! Not good, since I'm on call , that means I have to be here. But another lady volunteered to go home now and come and work tonight. yay! I could have worked it, but that would mean I get off tonight at 7:20 then clock back in at 10pm then out at 6am then in again at 11am and out again at 720 pm. I would have been a walking zombie! Plus, I would miss my husband and puppies to much.

It's wednesday so we have our meeting today. It is usually quite boring and since it is directly after lunch, I always want to take a nap while in there. Oh well. Hopefully time will pass quickly and 7 will be here so I can go home. Lately I just have not been in the mood to work. I'm tired of all the petty whining and bickering between people. Sick of people worrying if they are going to have to do more work than another person. It's ridiculous! I thought I had left that all behind in elementary school. Apparently I was morbidly mistaken. Okay off to the meeting. I hope everybody else has a fabulous day in comparison to mine! :)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It was a very long weekend! We didn't do a whole lot. I took Gracy, my older dog, to the vet Saturday am. She is eleven years old! :) They said that whatever we were doing was good because she looks to be in better health than she was last year! yay! She got her shots and a treat and we were on our way. Went to the local police station to register the dogs. I always do that so I can say they are legal and if Ella gets away before we install the invisible fence I want her back! Gracy was never really a problem until recently with wondering. We always just let her out the door and she does her business and comes back. Lately though, if we don't come back and call her in right away she starts to wonder around which isn't good, because I don't want her to get hit!

Sunday I cleaned house for a lady at work! OMG! If I ever thought that my house was dirty I was terribly mistaken! She had dust bunnies the size of soccer balls and cat hair everywhere. I know that my dogs shed (and I have two of them) but this was just plain ridiculous! There was also dried up cat puke all over the house including underneath her bed and on her sheets. I just don't see how some people can live like that?! It wore me out big time, so afterwards I treated my dh and myself to a steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

I joined another webring. This one is called Waiting in Faith. It is for PCOS patients trying to concieve. Hopefully I will hear good news from them as opposed to all of the bad statistics I read on the internet which I have stopped reading. I don't like to hear it so I don't do it anymore. All part of my being optomistc plan. :)

Today I'm at work and it is really slow. We only have 12 cases to do today. We usually do close to 40. So I went to half price books and bought the Vagina Monologues. I've been meaning to read it for a while now. If anyone wants to buy it from me for say $7 just let me know. :) I should be done with it by tomorrow since it isn't a long book and I will be here until 7pm tonight with nothing to do. Well I have to get back to work unfortunately. Hopefully my life will get more exciting soon.