I'm around. I know I've been quiet. Some things are brewing around in my brain and I don't know how to pour them out on paper to be quite honest (or the web.) My birthday is coming up. I'm feeling a bit slighted. Mainly because everyone in RL seems to be overlooking my birthday. I realize that your birthday isn't as much excitement as when you turn five, but I'm feeling neglected. These feelings may be totally in my head and not a reality, but this is how I feel. I feel like I am taken for granted, that nobody really cares. Everyone expects me to something or be something or give something, without ever being acknowledged or thanked. I'm made to feel that I do nothing all day long, that my house is a wreck, that I'm not doing a good job when "all I do is stay home." I would like to point out that Magdalena is growing and happy and loving towards others and always giving us something new. I would like to think that I am a major part of that. Nobody else sees it that way though. She was born to be "sweet and easy to get along with" or "sweet wholesome and virtuous" (Alicia does this sound familiar?) and I have *nothing* to do with those qualities since I do not possess these qualities in others eyes. I would like to think that if it were not for my loving care, my always being here, my "staying home and doing nothing", my giving, giving, giving, to Magdalena then she wouldn't be like this. I think she would be screaming constantly and always in a bad mood. But then again I am wrong. I am never right. This bothers me a lot. I don't know how to make people stop, and when I do I'm just being "stupid, overly sensitive, and wanting the spotlight." Which is not the case at all I tell you. I just want people to stop making me feel this way. It doesn't feel good. And I don't know how to tell them that.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Like In the Movies
I spent this morning lounging around in the bedroom with my beautiful daughter nursing, playing, and watching ER. That's right folks, no T. She is home with her Mamma who is on summer break. She'll still be coming on Fridays for the long 14 hour day and summer vaation is only a few weeks. Then she'll start coming daily again, but preschool starts in August, which lets face it, isn't that far away. And although I will miss those few extra dollars (yes for 200 hours a month that T spends/spent here, the pay was awful), I'm really enjoying this time with Magdalena who is the cutest and funnest baby lately. (Besides the fact that I can see indentations of teeth on her gums and she appears to be entering into a teething stage and acting like she is in pain at random moments and I.don't.like.this.stage.)
Anyways, while watching ER this morning, I noticed that everytime they went to a scene where an actor went to his apartment, the actor didn't do anything. He just turned on the music and made himself a drink and stared out the window while watching the rain. Really now, who does that? Even before I had a baby, I came home and went straight to work on my house. Now granted, the apartment doesn't have three floors or dogs or husbands for that matter, but I've never enjoyed this relaxing recreation. Even in college it seemed I came back to my room and cleaned up. (And I lived in a sorority so I was living with two other girls in the same size dorm room that one occupied in non greek life.)I would run downstairs and start laundry. Pick up (my roomates were self proclaimed slobs, and I was not). I would vaccuum our room and straighten out the daybed before I could sit down and check email then start my homework. Today, I come home and let dogs out. Pick up dog toys. Get Magdalena settled. Run downstairs and start washing diapers. Run upstairs wash dishes. Run downstairs, start more laundry. Run upstairs and tend to Magdalena. Do you see a pattern here? Where does the drink while watching the rain really come into play? Do you guys have time to watch rain? Am I the only one who feels like a dog chasing its own tail?
Moving on, my birthday is in 12 days. (I know this because when I check Chucks blog, they are counting down Laurens due date which is my the fourth of July which happens to be my birthday.) Today is Erichs birthday. Yahoo. I'm wondering if I can bribe my mom into giving me some money for some diapering accessories (I'd like a couple wool covers and about 5 more fleece topped Hemparoos.) and talk someone else into buying me the Baby Book by Dr. Sears. Probably not. Nobody loves you when you aren't cute anymore. heh.
Anyways, while watching ER this morning, I noticed that everytime they went to a scene where an actor went to his apartment, the actor didn't do anything. He just turned on the music and made himself a drink and stared out the window while watching the rain. Really now, who does that? Even before I had a baby, I came home and went straight to work on my house. Now granted, the apartment doesn't have three floors or dogs or husbands for that matter, but I've never enjoyed this relaxing recreation. Even in college it seemed I came back to my room and cleaned up. (And I lived in a sorority so I was living with two other girls in the same size dorm room that one occupied in non greek life.)I would run downstairs and start laundry. Pick up (my roomates were self proclaimed slobs, and I was not). I would vaccuum our room and straighten out the daybed before I could sit down and check email then start my homework. Today, I come home and let dogs out. Pick up dog toys. Get Magdalena settled. Run downstairs and start washing diapers. Run upstairs wash dishes. Run downstairs, start more laundry. Run upstairs and tend to Magdalena. Do you see a pattern here? Where does the drink while watching the rain really come into play? Do you guys have time to watch rain? Am I the only one who feels like a dog chasing its own tail?
Moving on, my birthday is in 12 days. (I know this because when I check Chucks blog, they are counting down Laurens due date which is my the fourth of July which happens to be my birthday.) Today is Erichs birthday. Yahoo. I'm wondering if I can bribe my mom into giving me some money for some diapering accessories (I'd like a couple wool covers and about 5 more fleece topped Hemparoos.) and talk someone else into buying me the Baby Book by Dr. Sears. Probably not. Nobody loves you when you aren't cute anymore. heh.
Monday, June 21, 2004
5 months
Today marks my baby's five month birthday. Wow. Where has the time gone? She is the sweetest little girl. Let's see what has she been doing...
Well, she is still exclusively breastfed. No food for her, not that she even shows the slightest interest. She is grabbing at just about everything. She'll clear a table in 30 seconds flat. She sits up unassisted for at least a minute and much much longer with just the boppy around her. This morning she reached for Ella so I'm going to have to keep my eyes on the two of them. Magdalena enjoys the exersaucer and has mastered all of the toys on it. Daddy was surprised a week or two ago to hear her start the music on the jeep (one of the toys) all by herself. And she was quite pleased herself.
She's found her feet and can now successfully reach down in between her legs when changing her diaper. Oh joy! We are still cloth diapering and thoroughly enjoying it!
Recently when held in a standing position, Magdalena has started moving her knees in a walking motion. Erich and my Mother are thrilled about this. She is rolling more in both directions and reaching for toys. She refuses to roll onto her tummy though. She ain't no fool! She hates her tummy, why would she roll onto it? :) When I lay her on her tummy in the bed, she can scoot her knees under her and lift her butt. Then she'll collapse and lift her torso and head up. Now if she could only do both at once...
She is getting a bit dangerous with all fo the grabbing. We went to a town with a whole bunch of shops that you just go look in. You know the store, tons of tiny and very appealing little things to grab off of shelves and break. Luckily she wasn't successful in her attempts. But Mommy was scared.
She weighs in at a whopping 12 1/2lbs (or so) and is 24" long. She can still wear newborn clothes, but is transitioning into 3-6 months for length only.
Oh, I have to go, the princess calls...
Well, she is still exclusively breastfed. No food for her, not that she even shows the slightest interest. She is grabbing at just about everything. She'll clear a table in 30 seconds flat. She sits up unassisted for at least a minute and much much longer with just the boppy around her. This morning she reached for Ella so I'm going to have to keep my eyes on the two of them. Magdalena enjoys the exersaucer and has mastered all of the toys on it. Daddy was surprised a week or two ago to hear her start the music on the jeep (one of the toys) all by herself. And she was quite pleased herself.
She's found her feet and can now successfully reach down in between her legs when changing her diaper. Oh joy! We are still cloth diapering and thoroughly enjoying it!
Recently when held in a standing position, Magdalena has started moving her knees in a walking motion. Erich and my Mother are thrilled about this. She is rolling more in both directions and reaching for toys. She refuses to roll onto her tummy though. She ain't no fool! She hates her tummy, why would she roll onto it? :) When I lay her on her tummy in the bed, she can scoot her knees under her and lift her butt. Then she'll collapse and lift her torso and head up. Now if she could only do both at once...
She is getting a bit dangerous with all fo the grabbing. We went to a town with a whole bunch of shops that you just go look in. You know the store, tons of tiny and very appealing little things to grab off of shelves and break. Luckily she wasn't successful in her attempts. But Mommy was scared.
She weighs in at a whopping 12 1/2lbs (or so) and is 24" long. She can still wear newborn clothes, but is transitioning into 3-6 months for length only.
Oh, I have to go, the princess calls...
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Friday, June 18, 2004
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Unfair
Alicia announced a positive pregnancy test on Friday. She has been TTC for years now. She has PCOS like myself and after doing the Atkins diet and taking her glucophage I was very excited for her. I *felt* in my bones that this would happen for her after she lost some weight. (Not that I don't love you just the way you are Alicia!) She had a beta drawn on Friday and it came back in the 1200s. LMP dates her at 10 weeks but we all know you can get pregnant without a period. Magdalena is a true testament to that. I hadn't had a period before I started clomid (after a negative beta test though). So we were thinking that she is about 4 weeks and the HcG points that way too.
Yesterday she went in to have an ultrasound cause her progesterone levels are on the low side. (But she has PCOS and low progesterone is a symptom. I had low levels with Magdalena and had to take progesterone suppositories. Yuck.) Anywho, they are telling her that it looks like a blighted ovum. They only see a sack. They are judging her by her LMP though, and I don't believe that to be a fact. And Julie gave us a lesson on what we can see on ultrasound at what times. So from what Julie said, and assuming that Alicias HCG is increasing at a normal level and is correct from conception date, the only thing they would have seen on u/s is a sac.
If it is a blighted ovum, it just downright sucks. But I see the miracle that are body will rid us of "bad eggs". And we ALL have bad eggs. Nature is pretty good at weeding out the bad stuff. It's just that most people don't even know about blighted ovums because they abort so fast it's like a period. So why do some people have to find out and feel the pain of a loss?
Another thing that troubles me is the ease that I conceived Magdalena. Now, don't get me wrong, I worked very hard for her. I endured clomid and glucophage and lost some weight and bled for days when my periods started. I took my temperature faithfully every single stinking morning at the same exact time daily and I was given the opportunity to be the Mommy to the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen in my entire life. But I only took clomid one month. And while my stunt in infertility lasted only about 6 months, I still felt the hardship. Why can't more people be like me? Why can't they conceive earlier too? These people that want it SO badly.
Will you head over to Alicia's blog and send her your thoughts and leave a nice little message for her? I know she'd appreciate to know people are thinking of her in this rough time. And you guys are the most thoughtful people I know. And a lot of you know that life downright sucks bad a lot of the time.
Yesterday she went in to have an ultrasound cause her progesterone levels are on the low side. (But she has PCOS and low progesterone is a symptom. I had low levels with Magdalena and had to take progesterone suppositories. Yuck.) Anywho, they are telling her that it looks like a blighted ovum. They only see a sack. They are judging her by her LMP though, and I don't believe that to be a fact. And Julie gave us a lesson on what we can see on ultrasound at what times. So from what Julie said, and assuming that Alicias HCG is increasing at a normal level and is correct from conception date, the only thing they would have seen on u/s is a sac.
If it is a blighted ovum, it just downright sucks. But I see the miracle that are body will rid us of "bad eggs". And we ALL have bad eggs. Nature is pretty good at weeding out the bad stuff. It's just that most people don't even know about blighted ovums because they abort so fast it's like a period. So why do some people have to find out and feel the pain of a loss?
Another thing that troubles me is the ease that I conceived Magdalena. Now, don't get me wrong, I worked very hard for her. I endured clomid and glucophage and lost some weight and bled for days when my periods started. I took my temperature faithfully every single stinking morning at the same exact time daily and I was given the opportunity to be the Mommy to the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen in my entire life. But I only took clomid one month. And while my stunt in infertility lasted only about 6 months, I still felt the hardship. Why can't more people be like me? Why can't they conceive earlier too? These people that want it SO badly.
Will you head over to Alicia's blog and send her your thoughts and leave a nice little message for her? I know she'd appreciate to know people are thinking of her in this rough time. And you guys are the most thoughtful people I know. And a lot of you know that life downright sucks bad a lot of the time.
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Friday, June 11, 2004
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
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