This has been an awfully long week. I clocked a half hour overtime on monday and another half hour today. The husband and I have been carpooling on Monday thru Thursday (did I mention that before?) since gas prices went up. They are coming back down but it is nice to have the time together during the week. :) Not to mention that it is saving bunches of money by not driving the truck everyday. It is expensive to fill that thing! We carpooled today because I am a fool. I get off of work at 19:20 (7:20pm) and he generally gets off between 20:00 and 20:30 (8 and 8:30). Which by the time he gets to where I work, is an hour and a half or so that I wait. I come down here to the library and surf the web, try to post, and catch up on the blogs I can read here from work (some of them are filtered out because of network stupidity.) Today, even though I worked a bit later, I've been waiting what seems like FOREVER!

I did sign up for a blogrolling account. I've added it to my template but I can't see if it works because my blog is one of the "stupidly filtered out blogs." I've been meaning to add a list of links so that people could see who I read and to pay tribute to the wonderful ladies who share their lives with me. But let's face it, I'm HTML stupid and I don't ever seem to have the time anymore.

Exciting baby news is that I bought my Basal Thermometer a few days ago and my temperature spiked this morning. I'm taking it that I'm ovulating considering AF left last weekend. (yes that's right, AF was in town for about twenty days!!!)_We've "taken the necessary steps" to become pregnant (he!he!he!) and now I'm crossing my fingers. I was so excited about the thermometer but even seeing it spike on the graph I started at Fertility Friend has made me giddy and given me a brighter outlook on life! yay!

I have a whole stack of coupons I need to cut out (I swiped them from the coupon box at work. I swear I am the only one that takes coupons out of that thing!) And I want to go to the potty. Everybody have fabulous weekends! I'll try to write more often (I know I say that everytime!) Honestly if I didn't have the stupidest shift in the world (11a-19:20p) then life would be a hell of a lot easier. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that a day shift pops up SOON!

Wow.

Last night was just plain awful. After I wrote last I finished up my lunch hour and went back to the floor and got my evening assignment. I go to check on my rooms and they are having problems and send me up for blood. This pattern continues about four times which equaled 9 units of blood, 1 unit platelets, and 2 units plasma. They started a code and called it about 30 minutes later. :( I always cleaned up dead bodies in nursing homes. Other people couldn't handle it so they would come and get me to do it for them. It's the least I could do, clean them up as best I could so that they could go to the funeral home. One last farewell from me since I loved all the residents and only wanted the best for them. I think this was different because I watched as we tried to save this persons life. I had awful dreams all last night. Dreams about walking around the morgue and dreams about shrouding (basically putting them in a body bag) people I actually knew. It was a long day. I got in the car at the end of the night looked at my dh and just said nothing. We went home and I made cinnamon rolls and milk for dinner, climbed into bed, and passed out. I don't ever want to relive that again, though I know that I will someday.

I guess it kind of amazes people of the rare instances when people do actually die in surgery. Sure lots of TV shows say thats what happened but the reality isn't there. We have cases that go bad and we take them to ICU in bad shape but they don't die on our table. The nurse I was working with has never lost a patient in 32 years of being an OR nurse until last night. We were all a bit edgy to say the least.

Today was thankfully boring. I didn't do a darn thing past 4 o'clock, which was fine by mean. Though rumor has it that tomorrow at the meeting they are going to be announcing that anyone who has no work to do will be sent home. Sucky. I love going home but now that I'm carpooling four days a week I am stuck here to my husband gets off work. (usually about an hour and a half after I get off) Besides that I need the 40 hours so that I can keep paying bills off in massive quantities!

I just bought a pair of shoes off of Shoebuy. That's where I got the shoes that I wear ALL OF THE TIME, but they died a few days ago (though I am still wearing them). They seam is coming apart and my little toe sticks out. My husband bought them last time so I used his membership. This time though the shoes were a total of $36.38 marked down from $50.95. I found a coupon for 20% off on Fatwallet and got an additional 10% off for registering to be a member. yay! :) I love getting good deals. :)

Okay, I'm off to go check on imacmom, beanmom, and bizarro girl. :) Have a spectacular evening!

Okay I've just been awful at updating this thing. I'm sorry. It really has been quite busy. Friday night after work I went and babysat. We babysat again on Saturday and on Sunday we did construction cleanup (which is mighty hard work.) While doing this exhausting manual labor, dh and I began to wonder why is it that manual labor pays less than desk labor. Yeah, yeah I know desk labor requires a degree but manual labor is reallyhard!

This morning we had my grandfather over for breakfast, which was very nice. We had pancackes, sausage, scrambled eggs, and some strawberries. Yum! :) Saturday evening we went and did grocery shopping for the entire month. With our coupons (which were doubled by the store) and the ad savings we saved a total of $40 off of our grocery bill. It was quite lovely. :)

Health wise I am kind of at a standstill. Last week the doctor gave me progesterone which would stop the bleeding (period), but although the bleeding has slowed down, it hasn't stopped. At least I'm not feeling like I am bleeding to death (like I did last week) but seeing that I've now been bleeding for 24 days(!) something really needs to happen. Everybody seems to think that a D&C would help and lots of people have them and then become pregnant almost directly afterwards. But let me remind you that I work in surgery and I do have faith in the people taking care of you but I am scared to death of being put to sleep. I know that it is quite safe and people do it everyday like crossing the street. But let us not forget that some people occasionally get hit when they cross the street!

Even though I don't want to I am calling the doctor. I'm constantly exhausted which could be because I am now anemic from the blood loss. So I really need to give her a heads up, ya know?

I promise to be more faithful and write everyday even if I just don't feel awake enough. I'll force myself to, and usually it makes me feel better and it only takes a few minutes, right?

I picked this up from Dawn:


find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

Okay, I'm better. I apologize for my mental breakdown yesterday. It has just been a tough road lately. I went to the doctor. It looks like I am not hemoragging and that my body is responding to the glucophage. My insulin is still not normal but has gone down since the last time we tested! yay! She says this is a VERY good sign. They drew my blood for a hemoglobin and though it is on the low side of normal, it is still in the normal range so no D and C. No surgery! Yay! She did make me take today off to just relax and get some sleep and let my body regenerate the nourishment it is losing. She gave me Prometrium, which is progesterone. She thinks that I'm going to get pregnant soon. Yay! So now lets just cross our fingers and hope that I ovulate this month! :) That nap really helped my outlook on stuff today, can you tell? Still tired but not as exhausted as I have been feeling!

I'm an awful awful person. My mother told me today that my cousin is finally pregnant. She has had about three failed attempts at artificial insemination. And I really and truly happy for her, it's just that is so hard. I want to be pregnant so bad. I want a baby in the worst way. I want to call her but I don't want her to feel sorry for me or feel weird. I have been doing so well now that I got my period but that was eleven days ago and I'm still bleeding heavily. Which is bad. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because Melissa made me. The worst case scenario is that my hemoglobin is really low and I'll need blood and-or surgery to get everything out and hopefully be like brand new. Everybody at work is pregnant. And I do mean everybody. I've never wanted more in my entire life then babies.It is supposed to be so damn simple. You grow up, go to school, get married, have babies. That is the natural progression, right? So why is the one thing that I want more than anything in the world is the one thing that my body is having trouble doing.I can't take it anymore. There are so many people out there that don't want babies or think that babies are a burden and I'd give anything to be pregnant right now. I don't won't surgery, and I don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I want the bleeding to stop, to ovulate, get pregnant, and be done with it. I'm so absolutely sick of going to the OBGYN. I swear my insurance company is sending her kids to college. Why can't I just catch a break? First it was the cervical cancer now the polycystic ovary syndrome. I'm so absolutely tired emotionally and physically. Probably physically because i'm freaking bleeding to death! Though there is some good news that the first pap they did after my surgery showed everything as normal. Two more normal ones and I'll be home free, which means just going once a year which would be grand. That was great news. Now if I can only get out of this without a blood transfusion and surgery. Please keep me in your thoughts, I can't keep up with this much longer...

I'm on call all of this week. I haven't been called in yet, but I find myself waking up a lot at night because I'm worried the pager will go off and I won't hear it! That would be bad. I got here to work today and found out that the night shift guy had called in for tonight! Not good, since I'm on call , that means I have to be here. But another lady volunteered to go home now and come and work tonight. yay! I could have worked it, but that would mean I get off tonight at 7:20 then clock back in at 10pm then out at 6am then in again at 11am and out again at 720 pm. I would have been a walking zombie! Plus, I would miss my husband and puppies to much.

It's wednesday so we have our meeting today. It is usually quite boring and since it is directly after lunch, I always want to take a nap while in there. Oh well. Hopefully time will pass quickly and 7 will be here so I can go home. Lately I just have not been in the mood to work. I'm tired of all the petty whining and bickering between people. Sick of people worrying if they are going to have to do more work than another person. It's ridiculous! I thought I had left that all behind in elementary school. Apparently I was morbidly mistaken. Okay off to the meeting. I hope everybody else has a fabulous day in comparison to mine! :)

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. It was a very long weekend! We didn't do a whole lot. I took Gracy, my older dog, to the vet Saturday am. She is eleven years old! :) They said that whatever we were doing was good because she looks to be in better health than she was last year! yay! She got her shots and a treat and we were on our way. Went to the local police station to register the dogs. I always do that so I can say they are legal and if Ella gets away before we install the invisible fence I want her back! Gracy was never really a problem until recently with wondering. We always just let her out the door and she does her business and comes back. Lately though, if we don't come back and call her in right away she starts to wonder around which isn't good, because I don't want her to get hit!

Sunday I cleaned house for a lady at work! OMG! If I ever thought that my house was dirty I was terribly mistaken! She had dust bunnies the size of soccer balls and cat hair everywhere. I know that my dogs shed (and I have two of them) but this was just plain ridiculous! There was also dried up cat puke all over the house including underneath her bed and on her sheets. I just don't see how some people can live like that?! It wore me out big time, so afterwards I treated my dh and myself to a steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse.

I joined another webring. This one is called Waiting in Faith. It is for PCOS patients trying to concieve. Hopefully I will hear good news from them as opposed to all of the bad statistics I read on the internet which I have stopped reading. I don't like to hear it so I don't do it anymore. All part of my being optomistc plan. :)

Today I'm at work and it is really slow. We only have 12 cases to do today. We usually do close to 40. So I went to half price books and bought the Vagina Monologues. I've been meaning to read it for a while now. If anyone wants to buy it from me for say $7 just let me know. :) I should be done with it by tomorrow since it isn't a long book and I will be here until 7pm tonight with nothing to do. Well I have to get back to work unfortunately. Hopefully my life will get more exciting soon.

This was fun! :)


How evil are you?

I would like to have a moment of silence for dear Jennifer's cat, Chincey, who passed away this morning. :( Pets are gifts to us and become not just our companions but a member of the family. They weep with us when loved ones pass and rejoice with us during the happier times in life. My dogs have given me everything in the world. My oldest, given to me by my late father, saw me through his death and has been there forever. Ella, my puppy, continues to bring joy to me everytime I walk into the room. She thinks of me as mom and is teaching my husband to be a great father. And as much as she, or any other pet, annoys me, chews up my cell phone, or poops on the floor because she just can't hold it anymore, we wouldn't give them up for anything in the world. I know Jennifer and Anth must be feeling something awful. So let's send good thoughts there way with this moment of silence, remember the pets we have lost before, and dear Chincey. **silence**

Oh my gosh! I'm so happy! ***Note to reader: If you in anyway don't want to get up close and personal with me then I suggest skipping this entry. Remember that I don't have to post things that make others happy, this a documentation of my own life, my own journal by which you are choosing to celebrate the happenings in my life. :) Thank you for doing so! But as before mentioned, if you don't want to know the very nitty gritty don't read this entry! Tune in tomorrow! :) ***

AF arrived today. I haven't been visited by AF regularly since I stopped birth control in June. She last made a visit in November with the little aid of provera *drugs*. But today she came by herself *obviously prompted by the lower insulin levels due to the glucophage* and I welcomed her home with loving arms. To be truthful, as awful as she can sometimes be, I missed her terribly. All girls know this, even if they don't want babies. When you are growing up, you wait for the day that AF makes an appearance in your life. SHE is your defining moment of when you became a woman. Health class revolved around this one proud shining moment for many years! And when she finally came you felt like you could put your "training bra" on and walk with pride. :) You were now a true woman! AF, I've missed you so much. And as much as you are welcome, I would like a baby first, then for you to come and visit again on a regular basis. If you will all excuse me, I'm going to find my training bra to walk with pride...

I spent last night in the Emergency Room. Yesterday I went to work, didn't feel well, but went anyway. By 7:30 my stomach was cramping horribly. I took some medicine and walked around and such. By 12:30 I couldn't bare it anymore. By this time I had vomited and was literally at my wits end. I went to the ER, they gave me a pregnancy test, negative :(, and drew blood. My white blood cell count is 17,000 *very high* and my tummy is tender to touch everywhere. The high white blood cell count means that there is an infection somewhere. After two sticks for an IV, two morphine pushes, some phenegran, xrays, and a ct scan, they don't think it is appendicitis. Not to sure though. :(

Today I had to take the day off of work considering that I was very sick last night and had been in the ER until 5am. I went to my family doctor and she drew more blood. If my tummy doesn't get any better , it is still really tender to touch, then I should go see her again. She is checking to make sure my white blood cells are going down if not she'll do more tests. :( I don't want to have an appendectomy. Working in surgery has just made me even more scared of surgery because the unknown is all known. I have complete faith that they would take care of me and such but it's just scary. I'm afraid that if the pain doesn't go away or if it gets as severe again as it was last night that they will take my appendix just in case. I really don't know what else it could be. The plus side, they gave me some nice drugs to chase the bad pain away. The bad side, my tummy still really aches and I'm really sore and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm gonna go play some Sims, hopefully it will make me feel better. ;)

So yesterday morning before work I went down to the laundry room to work on (you guessed it!) laundry! So I put the clothes in the dryer and started up the washer and measuring soaps and such and went upstairs and went to work. When I got home I went downstairs, folded the clothes in the dryer, and opened up the washer and... there weren't any clothes in there. At this point I'm confused, I know that dryers eat socks, but the washer eating an entire load of laundry? That's ridiculous. Well folks, it turns out that I just forgot to put clothes in the washer. Yup, I ran an entire cycle with soap but no clothes! It's official, I've lost my mind...

Sometimes I just feel dumb. Downright stupid. The ladies I sit and eat lunch with at work were talking about the stock market and real estate and mortgages. I'm just now learning about mortgages and for the most part I still leave it up to my husband. Yes, I have the checkbook and I pay the bills and such but we really figure out where the money is going together. I rely on him to know the stuff about mortgages, the stock market, and what's going on in the world. And I hate it sometimes that I am more comfortable just keeping the house going, making sure everything is clean and that everybody has a full belly. Is that wrong? Should I be more "liberated" and "self-empowering" and learn this stuff? With the war stuff, I am such a worrier that "ignorance is really bliss" for me. Now I can debate some stuff. And I can carry on full conversations with you on the pros and cons of abortion, religion, immigration and lots of other colorful things. And I can get really charged up talking about this stuff. Is that enough though? As I said a couple of days ago, I hate feeling stupid and made to look stupid. And lately it has been happening a lot. And to be very honest, it's starting to piss me off!

So since my last post I have conquered the next goal in Sims! Finished up cleaning the living room (which was the zone for this week), and started laundry. Currently working on that while playing openended Sims (no levels, no goals, just playing) on the freeall cheat mode with my husband. :) This cheat lets you buy anything and everything for free! :) I love my strategy book!

So today I've mainly cleaned and played Sims. We went to Kokomo and did a bit of shopping. We bought three playstation2 games from Target (buy two at $19.99 get one free!) and a Sims for Playstation2 strategy guide. The strategy guide has made all of the difference and allowed me to conquer the level I had been stuck at. :)

Thought I would share this with you. Today we were walking through Sam's Club and I'm telling my husband about my week. I was telling him how this chick at work eats Grape jolly ranchers all of the time and it makes me absolutely just want to puke. And the other day he put BBQ sauce on his pepperoni pizza and that thought plus the smell made me puke. So we are walking through Sams and there are all of these deserts and such and I just want to eat them! Mind you, I'm not much of a sweet/desert kind of person, especially since they put me on MetforminXR (glucophage). At this time I realize that I have to go to the batheroom (for like the tenth time in three hours). He asks me "are you pregnant?"

This catches my surprise for a few reasons. A) I haven't even thought about it. Most of the time I'm telling myself that I should just give up because it won't happen. B) I realize that I still haven't gotten my period and on Monday it will be four weeks since starting the glucophage. I get my blood redrawn to check insulin levels on Friday. C) In the past it has always been me who suggested that I was pregnant. He never suggests it. D) I've been having really bizarre vivid dreams lately. And I'm having a recurring dream about a baby girl. In the dream, she is so real that I can smell her and my heart and breast ache when she cries. It is absolutely the weirdest thing.

So maybe quite possibly God has shown his loving face upon us and is sending me a baby. I sure hope so. :)

The Friday Five

1. What is your favorite type of literature to read (magazine, newspaper, novels, nonfiction, poetry, etc.)?
I prefer fiction. I like getting lost in a different life, which is probably why I love the stage, acting, and performing. I currently subscribe to REDBOOK, just because it always has neat ideas for working ladies. :) I finally fit into that married category.

2. What is your favorite novel?
I absolutely LOVE "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb. EVERYONE SHOULD READ IT! I've read it at least 15 times, and I think I'll go pull it off the shelf and start it again. :) I always get something new from it.

3. Do you have a favorite poem? (Share it!)
My favorite peom is "Ad Finem" by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

AD FINEM

On the white throat of the useless passion
That scorched my soul with its burning breath,
I clutched my fingers in murderous fashion,
And gathered them close in a grip of death;
For why should I fan, or feed with fuel,
A love that showed me but blank despair?
So my hold was firm, and my grasp was cruel--
I meant to strangle it then and there!

I thought it was dead. But with no warning,
It rose from its grave last night, and came
And stood by my bed till the early morning,
And over and over it spoke your name.
Its throat was red where my hands had held it,
It burned my brow with its scorching breath;
And I said, the moment my eyes beheld it,
"A love like this can know no death."

For just one kiss that your lips have given
In the lost and beautiful past to me,
I would gladly barter my hopes of Heaven
And all the bliss of Eternity.
For never a joy are the angels keeping
To lay at my feet in Paradise,
Like that of into your strong arms creeping,
And looking into your love-lit eyes.

I know, in the way that sins are reckoned,
This thought is a sin of the deepest dye;
But I know, too, if an angel beckoned,
Standing close by the Throne on High,
And you, adown by the gates infernal,
Should open your loving arms and smile,
I would turn my back on things supernal,
To lie on your breast a little while.

To know for an hour you were mine completely--
Mine in body and soul, my own--
I would bear unending tortures sweetly,
With not a murmur and not a moan.
A lighter sin or a lesser error
Might change through hope or fear divine;
But there is no fear, and hell has no terror
To change or alter a love like mine.

Poems of Passion by Ella Wheeler
Chicago : Belford, Clarke & Co, 1883


4. What is one thing you've always wanted to read, or wish you had more time to read?
More books!

5. What are you currently reading?
Catching up on Redbooks before I a) find a book I want to read and b) find the money in which to pay for the book I want to read.

Yesterday was awful. I hate that people see me as not being as intelligent as they are just because I hold a job below them. Do they not realize that I am working towards a degree? Do they not realize that not only did I graduate high school, but that I went to a very sophisticated private school. I went to DePauw University. It is ranked in the top 50 schools in America. Only the best of the best survive. I have also been a nurse aide since I was 16. I know my way around. I have been very good at learning this job. I always listen and observe in an effort to learn. I have taken classes to learn about aseptic technique, positioning the patient for surgery, and prepping the surgical site. I am efficient in and outside the OR. A lot of times, I know how to find different things and tools in the OR that even the nurse doesn't know. So why do you treat me badly? Why don't you recognize that I am a human being, an adult, someone who understands English? In fact, I'm bilingual! I'm an important tool that makes your job all the easier. Yet you spit on me. You insult me by explaining things to me as if I were a child. And it hurts! I would rather you talk to me as if I understood everything you understand and allow me to ask when I feel l don't know. I'll write a more cheerful blog later...

Today has just been awful. :*( Last night we had just climbed into bed when we heard someone pounding on the front door. So, like normal, sane people, we get a bit freaked out because who knocks on the door at 11 o'clock when all the lights are out, right? We worry. There is a man at the front door, says he just got off of work from around the corner, and he just watched this woman hit our truck!!! So we throw on shoes grab our coats and run out there (we park along the street-- no garage or driveway--extremely small town w/ pop. at about 10,000). Sure enough some dumb ***** lady (sorry I'm angry) hit our truck. The tail light is smashed the driver side panel is dented and crunched. But the story gets even better. She took off. That's right folks, a hit and run. So now I'm more upset when Mr. Good Samaritan tells me he got the license plate number and called the cops. AND that the cops had just dug this chick out of a snow drift down the street. Mr. G. Samaritan had watched while waiting for his wife to pick him up from work. So about this time the police car pulls up. (we live about a block away from the police station/fire station, a fact that calms my soul) He says he knows who hit it and they are looking for her and running her plates. :/ So when he left us he was going to her house where they had called her and she was there and had admitted to being in accident. SO WHY THE HECK DID YOU FLEE THE SCENE? Mr. Good Samaritan says that by the way he was driving she looked drunk. Mr. Police Man says that when digging her out of the snow drift she had seemed nervous but didn't notice physical drunkeness but that she had gotten in the car and sped off in a hurry. urggh...

This morning we got up and went to get estimates for repair. They are quoting about $2000. She better have insurance cause if not I'm taking her butt to court. No doubt about it. I don't have the $$$ to fix it myself or pay my deductible and have my insurance go up. Nor do we deserve to have to drive a truck around that's been smashed. She also lost her mirror in the accident. I told the guy at the body shop (who is a close friend of the family) that if a grey Monte Carlo comes in for work and she is missing her passenger side mirror, that I've got it and I'm looking for her!!! Where ever you are Ms. I-drive-a-stinking-Monte-Carlo-and-I-was-drunk-and-hit-poor-suzanne's-husbands-truck-and-took-off-like-a-dumbass I'm looking for you! You have to fix my truck! **anger!**