Google Meme

Because I wanna be like Julee.

Google your name in quotes with an "is" -- ex.: "(your name) is" -- pick your favorite ten responses and post them.

1)Suzanne is hitting the road this summer

2) Suzanne is able to paint a palpable picture of the status of corporate coaching, define critical issues and provide tips for successful execution of coaching initiatives.

3)First, Suzanne is definitely not a Korean name; it's a Western or American name.

4)Suzanne is a natural teacher and believes her job is to facilitate others in becoming their own authority so they can heal their own lives and create a life with meaning and purpose.

5)Suzanne is a breeder of German Shepherd dogs, usually producing one litter per year.

6)Suzanne is currently unavailable for consultations (in person or by phone).

7) Suzanne is a highly sought after agent in the Santa Barbara and surrounding areas.

8) I love the fact that Suzanne is truly a poet not just a song smith.

9) 'I Am Suzanne' is an astonishing film, one of the most original movies I've ever seen ... and yet it reminds me of several others.

10) Chez Suzanne is a cozy two bedroom apartment sitting at the foot of a tiny medieval hill village known for the ruins of the Marquis de Sade’s chateau. (this one is the coolest!)

Well, I tackled the embroidery machine. And it simply rocks. I ordered the necessary software that I needed and I'm done for the week until it gets here. I opted to not use sew on tags for my diapers and just use an embroidered label. That way it never tears off or washes out. I HATE when I have a WAHM diaper that I can't identify because you can no longer read the label. With the embroidered label, there shouldn't be any of those problems. :)

Erich has been gone since 8am this morning. He had two service calls for the computer repair business and then was going to drop off a fixed computer and come home. Well at about 2pm he called to tell me that there was a third call. At 4ish he said he was going to get the repaired computer (he had to stop at the shop to get it and such) and then was coming home. Well, he just called and said that he had dropped off the repaired computer but there is now a 4th call to go to. Urgh. It's awful to have him away so long. It is really nice that he is making so much extra money and that we will be able to pay down bills and such but we miss him. And it's so hard to be without an extra parent all week long.

Okay I'm done rambling. Since I've been working on the embroidery machine most of the day I haven't done much around the house. We had to make an emergency trip out of town because I broke a needle on my serger and I didn't have a spare, so that ate up a bunch of time too. All I really want to do though is curl up on the couch and watch TV.

Random Stuff

So. Lots going on here. Magdalena is continuing to use the potty while at home and doing really really well. She even took initiative to just go to the potty chair and sit and use it yesterday instead of coming to tell me first. I don't see her completely potty training at this point, but it's nice to not have to rinse the poopy diapers and have less laundry to do.

Erich has been working a lot. His friend started a computer repair business and Erich has been in on it the entire time. This last couple of weeks has really picked up and we just don't see him anymore. This has been rough for me with the anxiety of my 2ww and the let down of AF showing up. But I can't even tell you how hard this has been for Magdalena. She really really misses her Daddy. As a result she has been pitching fits and has been super super clingy. She never cries when I leave generally. Yesterday I was leaving her with Erich to run to the bank and Erich says she lost it. So, it's been a tough week.

I'm so proud of Erich though. He has taken on a lot and has really helped us out. He just handed me a check to deposit and it's enough to clear off all the debt on one credit card. I'm giddy about paying this off. I know he is happy about it too. And I am actually imagining the next debt we are going to pay off.

The insurance guy is coming over in a bit. I saved us a ton of money by switching to Geico. JUST KIDDING! You have all heard that commercial right? LOL We had Geico once and didn't like it at all (sorry Manda!). Anyway, I called the guy and had him add home insurance to our policy with them. (Previously we only held auto policies with this guy) We saved like $200 by switching the insurance and then saved $100 on the auto policy. I also took off some stuff on our auto insurance that was really really stupid and then I added the stuff for my home biznaz. So I saved us a grand total of $600. Wowee that felt good. That's like a week and a half of work man. So I get to just lounge the rest of the week right? Nope.

I got my embroidery machine Monday. I've been trying to sit down and really get it going but a number of things have been standing in my way. A) Magdalena is super clingy and not really into me sitting in front of my machine. B) The embroidery machine is a bit intimidating. There I said it. It's all computerized and fancy-schmancy. It threads itself! How cool is that! If Erich gets a couple of hours to play with Magdalena I am so going downstairs to conquer that mountain. C) I need to sew diapers.

Definitely going to go get some stuff after the insurance leaves and then I'm going to cut fabric to make some diapers. Are we all getting excited about my store opening? I am! Things are falling into place nicely. I've finished the pattern for my knitted soakers. I have a friend working on a pattern for crocheted soakers. I've found a place to supply yummy soaps and powders and lotions and such. Oh! It's so lovely and exciting!

Okay, I'm going to go eat a cookie. I deserve it. Then after the insurance guy comes I'm going to go pick up my birth control. Do you remember the Seinfeld episode when Jerry and Elaine are in a big fight over things that had happened when they were dating? It was about being in the bedroom and finally Elaine comes over and says "we have to have sex to save our friendship!" and Jerry says "sex... to save the friendship? sex to save the friendship..." That's how I feel right now. "birth control.. to get pregnant." LOL

Plan B

I started bleeding this morning. I knew this was coming last night as I started spotting. I'm feeling a bit better though I'm still pretty sad. I'm starting birth control tomorrow to put me in a holding pattern so I won't develop any follicles. Next week, I'll have an HSG and Erich will have a sperm analysis. Once we get the plan of action layed out, we'll order meds. Once we have all our meds, I'll come off of birth control and then bleed and start the new cycle.

In other really great news, Magdalena has started using the potty a lot! Yesterday she started asking for it and had lots of pees. This morning she asked and peed in it then asked again a few minutes later and pooped in it! She gets off then looks in the potty, grins really big and says "yay!" It's really too cute.

I Didn't Know It Was Possible

I didn't know it was possible to be this tired. I'm dragging! Oh My Word. I know I've been complaining a lot about it, but seriously, something has got to change.

And I'm incredibly annoyed by the majority of the population right now. This is really annoying the crap out of me. Along with just being generally annoyed with most people. I'm hoping that the exhaustion and irritation are signs of Something Very Good. But we won't know for a while.

So since I am so whiney, tired, and irritable, I'm going to lay low for a few days. Look for me next Thursday. If I appear at other times, consider it a gift from me to you.

Is It August Yet?

Oh My Goodness! It's HOT! The high was 101 degrees with heat indexes around the 120 mark. It's HOT. And miserable. Ugh.

I'm stinking exhausted. Seriously, I'm dragging big time. I just can't seem to get enough sleep. I wake up in the morning feeling like I just went to sleep. This sucks!

The current state of my uterus remains unknown. I get twinges now and then but nothing major. My temp is holding itself well above coverline. Only time will tell. And I'm really not grooving on Father Time right now. Can we fast forward to a week from Thursday?

Questions and Answers

Mama Bear asked why we would move on to Plan B if Plan A didn't work the first month. So here is why:

This really isn't the first month of Plan A. Plan A is clomid. Most will remember I did two rounds already, one in February and one in March. These were unassisted. They gave me the clomid and sent me home. Last month (June) we took 100mg of clomid a day for five days. On the 12th day of my cycle I went in and had an u/s and it revealed that no follicles had developed. We waited for my period to move on. On July 6th, I started to bleed. On cycle day 3 I started Clomid at 150mg a day for five days. Monday was cycle day 13 (cd 12 was on Sunday and they don't work that day) and I had my u/s. We found two follicles, one in the left and one in the right, and many other smaller follicles. I was given a Novarel// HCG trigger shot on Tuesday to tell my body to release the follicles. On August 4th I go back for blood work.

If I start to bleed or don't get pregnant, than they will move me to Plan B which is injectable fertility drugs. We would start with Repronex. The theory is that even though I made follicles with Clomid, Repronex would mature more follicles. Instead of two mature and two other little ones, there would be 4 mature. 4 follicles would give me a much better chance at conception since it isn't like all would conceive and/or stick.

My personal prophet Erich feels like "he achieved the goal." I think he is full of crap. We shall see!

Oh, and since Wednesday night I haven't had anymore ovary pain. I felt a bunch Wednesday around midnight followed by a release of pressure (that is what it felt like!) Since then I've had a few twinges here and there, but nothing big. Only time will tell.

Oh, My Aching ...

ovaries. There is definitely something going on in there. Lots of pressure, pain, tenderness and a general feeling of heaviness. I felt like that with Magdalena. Like my follicles were the size of rocks. So in my body right now my body is applying super power hormones (injected yesterday via my patookie as T calls it) to the follicles that have developed. The follicles should burst within the next 6 to 8 hours sending an egg out and into my fallopian tube. Hopefully the tubes fingerlike parts will sweep it safely into the tube where it will be greeted by Erichs boys. (yes, they should already be waiting there. heh) And don't worry, if they aren't there now, there shall be more visiting very soon. ;)

If I'm lucky, both eggs will be released allowing a greater chance for conception. We won't know anything for TWO weeks. Man. That's a stinking long time. And I can't even start testing soon because they will be false positives due to the trigger I took yesterday.

It is pretty cool that two days ago I saw follicles inside my body that could possibly turn into half of my son/daughter (s). It's pretty wild. I can say, "I saw you before you were even concieved!" Now that's crazy!

August 4th I go back to the office to have my blood drawn for a pregnancy test. I have to be there by 8 (I'm sure I'll be pounding the door to get in!) and they run the pregnancy tests daily (thank goodness!). I should know something by 5pm on August 4th. Mark your calendars. This is where it gets a wee bit tricky. If it's negative you'll know as soon as I know because I'll post. If its positive and the results come after Erich leaves for work, then you won't know until the next day. K?

And all of that information is pointless if I start to bleed before August 4th at which point we move onto Plan B. Plan B is painful and time consuming, so let's all hope Plan A works, k?

Trigger Happy

Yesterday was the worst ovary pain day yet this cycle. Ugh. It makes me happy that those eggs are still growing and such, but ouch! Today we triggered. What I thought would be a simple poke in the butt, ended up being a bit more complicated.

For those of you who have never triggered ( you lucky dogs) , you have two vials of stuff and a syringe and medicine. Now Erich is a big fat chicken so I had my cousin do the shot. So I drive over there and we reconstitute the med (one vial is a powder like substance which is the medicine, the other is a sterile water type solution, you mix this stuff up and poof! egg inducing juice!). We read the pkg and start talking and realize that I need a 10,000unit shot but the syringe only holds 3,000units. So I'll pause while you do the math on how many shots with the 3,000 unit syringe it would take to get up to the 10,000. **short pause**

Right, 4 shots! Ouch. Now, I hate shots to begin with and four sounded like no picnic. Not to mention that that needle isn't going to be as nice and pointy, as it was the first time going in, the last time. So we call the pharmacy and mention what's going on. They politely inform me that they only have syringes like I have instock. They are nice people though and tell me they can have one in for me tomorrow! So sweet of you, but I NEED IT TODAY!!! SO I ask them to call the hospital pharmacy and beg them for me then please call me back.

So we stick my egg juice in the fridge and wait a minute or two for the phone to ring. When it does, they tell me that the hospital pharmacy does have them and that I can go out there and get one. He mentions that they said a bag of chocolate might be nice. Heh.

So I head over to pick up a bag of chocolate. I know they were kidding, but they are being nice and giving me a syringe without asking for my husbands hard earned money. And darnit, I'll do anything to get pregnant, yk?

So with Reese PB Cups in hand I go in and get my syringe and hand over the chocolate. They are very surpised and happy and tell me "good luck with your egg juice!" and tell me to come back any time for more egg juice holding syringes. Such sweet folks yk?

So I head back to my car, and drive back to my cousins house where my daughter is circling the house saying "mommy! mommy!" Did I also mention that it is freaking HOT outside and that it is HUMID and I'm on CLOMID and I'm ON FIRE!? Well, now you know. ;)

So we fill up the gigantic egg juice holder with egg juice and she shoves it into my well padded rear. And let me tell you, that was a TON of egg juice. Ouch. And now I sit here typing this. My stomach is turning, I don't feel so good, and my butt hurts. You never think that this is how your baby making experience is going to be, but oh well.

So I'm going to ask you send me some egg releasing vibes, healthy spermy vibes, and sticky egg vibes. (I know! I ask for so much don't I! You all are starting to sound like my husband. heh.)

We Struck Gold!

My ovaries are having a good day. :) Ladies, there are TWO EGGS! ! One in the right and one in the left and "a bunch of other little ones"!!! For those of you who like numbers, the right side egg is 16.5mm and the left is 14.5mm and the endometrium lining is a whopping 15mm. So I have a very thick lining which is good. We trigger tomorrow! Excuse me while I dance around the room and dream of an April baby! (Or babies? **gasp**)

There's More Than Corn In Indiana....

There's HUMIDITY! OH MY GOODNESS! It is currently 6:20am and 77 degrees outside. It wouldn't be bad if the humidity wasn't 93%. Wowza. Just wait, the high should be 90 degrees. Have you ever sat in 90 degree weather with 93% humidity? It isn't pleasant. And with my elevated body temp, I'm already constantly hot indoors!

You may be wondering why I'm up this early. I'm about to head out and take a look in the deepest darkest parts of my body. My ovaries and I have a love-hate relationship. We'll see if this is a good day for them...

18 months (almost)

We had our 18 month well check today. Everything is great. Magdalena weighs a whopping 21lbs and is 30.5 inches tall. She is a petite little thing but hanging on to her growth curves of 25th and 10th percentile. :)

He was very impressed with her words and her initiative on potty training. When he picked her up to take her to the other side of the room and watch her gait, she RAN back to me. He thought that was really funny. We are officially the longest breastfeeding couple in the history of his practice! That puts a gigantic smile on my face. :)

Let's see. She received two shots and I'm happy to say we are done until she goes to school! Yay!

Right now I'm working on dyeing some flat diapers. It's for my business. We are having our grand opening in August 2005! So head on over to our site and sign up for the yahoo mailing list! If you forgot where we are:

Cloth Beginnings

My life is just incredibly exciting right now, huh? On Monday, we go look deep inside my body and see if there is anything growing. :) Erich thinks that there is something in there this time. I'll tell you that Erich is a prophet. heh. When I was newly pregnant with Magdalena, but hadn't tested yet, he swore up and down that I was pregnant and I refused to even think that. People, this was a few days after ovulation. He just knew I was pregnant, and he was right. So hopefully he is right this time too. Of course, after he tells me he thinks there are eggs in there I follow up with a zillion questions like "do you really think so?" or his favorite "are you just saying that to make me happy/so I'll shut up?" Believe me, he loves it when I ask a million questions like that. :)

Anyway, send me juicy egg thoughts. :) Even if they aren't fully ripe and ready to trigger on Monday, I'm so totally cool with that. As long as there is at least one in there (and dare I hope for two?)

Slacker

I'm a slacker. That is all there is to it. My birthday was Monday. It was okay. Tuesday Magdalena and I left for Tennessee to help my Nana pack. We were there for four days and it was a very long four days! We both missed Erich terribly, but Magdalena missed him a lot more. She regularly walked up to doors and asked "Daddy?" or brought me the phone and said "Daddy?" She was so happy to see him!

My cycle started Wednesday while we were gone. I started the heavy duty clomid on Friday. Yesterday I started having some intense ovary pains. I'm still having some and I feel like I'm in a constant state of heat. I want to say that that is what it was like when I took the clomid that eventually led to Magdalenas conception. Not heat flashes, just a constant heat. I'm not sure, I should go look.

Erich woke up this morning complaining of a sore throat. He says it is because we have the a/c running in the bedroom with a fan blowing. Like I said, I'm hot. So tonight he says no fan. Damnit. How will I sleep? Probably not well.

Magdalena is kinda sorta potty training. At least every other time she announces "uh oh" if she peed. The other times, she tries to take her diaper off then sit somewhere and pee. I'm definitely not ready for this. She has a little baby bjorn potty now ( I wanted to just use the small seats on the toilet, but she is so itty bitty she needs an itty bitty potty). She's peed in it several times since yesterday. So we'll see where things go. I'm definitely not actively trying to potty train her. Erich and I are just letting her lead the way, yk?

An Update

I've really neglected telling ya'll whats been going on. I'm sorry. It's been a crazy, busy, rough couple of weeks to say the least. Anyway, here goes.

The Plan: When I saw the RE he thought that maybe the signal was getting crossed between my brain and my ovaries. He thought my brain simply was not triggering the eggs. So he said he'd be nice and we'd skip the semen analysis and the HCG since he knew we could get pregnant and the main problem is my ovaries. The plan was (and is) to do two rounds of clomid. The first at 100mg, if not pregnant up to 150mg. On Cd 12 we would do an u/s to see follicles then have a simple trigger shot. If after 150mg I'm not pregnant I have the choice to do another cycle of clomid or stop, get the SA and the HCG and then move on to injectable drugs.

The Outcome: I took my 100mg of clomid on CD 3-7. On CD 12 I went in for the u/s and we saw.... NOTHING. No follicles at all. It appears my ovaries tried to make eggs, but they failed. So we are moving on to more Clomid.

I've always talked about the first time I ever ovulated, I got pregnant. I (we) are now thinking that these past three cycles with clomid probably haven't made me ovulate, which would be why I didn't get pregnant. See the train of thought here?

So as soon as my period starts, we'll start 15omg of clomid daily and then go back for another u/s on CD12. So if you pray or whatever, please send us big fat follicle vibes. I feel pretty worthless right now and awful and sad and angry.

Oh, and Monday (July 4th) is my birthday.

New Blog

I started a craft blog! You can visit it here:

http://threadingtheneedle.blogspot.com/

It's A Small World

I have a lot to update you on. Magdalena had a very rough weekend. Today was better and I had a great appointment with the RE. I'm so excited. (And as of 11:24pm Tuesday, I do not know if I am pregnant or not, ok?) :)

But, I wanted to write this entry and tell you about this warm fuzzy feeling I am going to bed with tonight. I just read about how Mani enjoyed the memory I created for us. And I find it incredibly amazing that this woman and I have never met, yet we have walked the same paths here in Indiana. This weekend I went to my Moms house. She lives with her Husband near the reservoir where Mani grew up. I couldn't help but think about how Mani had most likely been there at one point in her life. Mani and I have never met, yet I know details of her life and she knows a great deal of my life. We share these great friends in the computer. We are all brought together by sharing the same beliefs.

When I think of all these great women whose blogs I read, who I chat with online, who I communicate with via forums, I'm overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be in any sort of contact with. And I can't help but giggle like a school girl when I realize how lucky I am to be loved by Mani. :) heh.

For Mani

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

I like your strength.

02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.

I can't think of anything, but really I don't think I could think of anything for anyone. :)

03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.

I'd say 6 oclock or the time around a sunset.

04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

Beautiful.

05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

Since we haven't met, I'll create a memory.
Mani, do you remember that time that we took my Step Dads boat out on the Salamonie Reservoir? We spent the day soaking up the sun, swimming, and just talking about everything we could possibly think of. It was so great just to hang out and enjoy a hot humid Indiana day without a care in the world.

06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

A lovable Puppy.

07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

I've always wondered what it's like to be a Midwife Student, to live on the East Coast. I wonder how you made the transition from Indiana to the East Coast and what was it like?

08. Put this in your journal.

Infertility Beast

Manda enquired about my TTC journey. And well it's a little bit screwed up. See this cycle started on May 10. Remember? So, I thought I ovulated on schedule and should have started bleeding on Tuesday (the 7th). Well, I didn't and I wasted my husbands hard earned money on pregnancy tests that I always tend to fail. So I decided that this really sucks. (Believe me, I'm pretty sure that 'stuff' is not the word I most likely used.) Erich was talking about new jobs and such and I started to think about our insurance and how completely AWESOME our insurance benefits are right now. So I thought "hey idiot, considering half the year is almost over, maybe you should see what IF benefits are covered under said great insurance plan." So I called the insurance company, and the polite young man on the other end informed me that they would pay for testing, diagnosis, AND treatment 100%. Wow. So after I picked myself up off of the floor, I called the reproductive endocrinologist that I had been referred to. I asked the nice lady on the other end to make me an appointment. She asked me how soon I wanted the appointment. I thought that at first this was an incredibly silly question since I thought that it would take months even years to get an appointment. Imagine my surprise when she told me she had an appointment on the 14th. Um, wow. Okay. So I made the arrangements for my Mom to watch Magdalena during this time. The RE is about 45 minutes away so I'll be gone probably 3 hours. I've never left Magdalena for 3 hours with someone else so that makes me a bit nervous. I've also never left her for 3 hours and then left town, so that makes me a bit nervous to. But she loves my Mom and everything should be fine.

Back to my chart. So, I call this wonderful doctor who has great potent fertility drugs and make an appointment. A little later, I'm updating my chart and fertility friends decides that no I did not ovulate on CD 14 but on CD 21 and that I shouldn't test until next Tuesday ( the 14th). Do we all remember what happens on teh 14th? Yup, my appointment with the RE. Now if I come up pregnant the day I'm scheduled to arrange for potent fertility drugs I'll never stop laughing.

Questions and Answers

I need to address the comments that were left while I was on vacation.

Simone asked:

I'm curious to know is the hurt of TTC failure is as raw now as before Magdelena? The fact that you have her, doesn't make it easier? Maybe harder?

The pain is the same and different. It's hard to dwell on the pain and anxiety and failure that every women TTC with problems faces since Magdalena is constantly running around and laughing and playing. She really makes it easier because I actually have a baby and I will always have her. She brings me up when I am down. But she makes it harder. Since I now know what it is like to have that tiny baby kicking inside of me, I know what I am missing. And I desperately want to give her a playmate, someone to laugh and play with. I want to give her a sibling so that they can be close and count on each other. Some day Erich and I will be gone and I want to provide a bigger family for Magdalena so she will still have someone "on her side." I sometimes feel very selfish for wanting another child knowing that I was very lucky to get one. Some infertile women or women who face fertility hurdles, aren't as lucky as me. I can only describe the pain as getting your ears pierced. When they pierced the first one, it hurt, but it didn't seem as bad really because you didn't know quite what to expect. But when the pierced the second one, it hurt much worse. You knew the poke was coming, you knew what to expect, and you already flinching in anticipation of the pain.

Tina made this comment:

"Maybe you need to stop trying. Sometimes from the sheer stress of the situation is enough to keep you from getting pregnant. I've heard of many couples who try for a year or two with no pregnancies and when they finally stop, BOOM they're pregnant."

I'm going to assume that Tina only meant the best by this comment. But any woman who has had trouble conceiving will tell Tina that that comment hurts a lot. That comment makes it seem as if there is actually nothing wrong with my body and that it is all in my head. By making that comment, you deny me the right to grieve that my body doesn't work like the population who "fall pregnant." To make you understand this I've come up with this completely extreme situation.

So let's say my friend Jane is in kidney failure. She was put on a list for a kidney transplant and every day she worries and frets. She wonders, will this be the day I get my kidney transplant? She tells me how sad she is that she hasn't gotten a kidney yet and how bad it hurts to know that her body has failed her. So I come in and (trying to be helpful) tell her that maybe she should just relax. I tell Jane, " you are stressing out about this kidney stuff to much! Just relax, sit back and enjoy life. I'm sure as soon as you stop worrying about a kidney transplant, BOOM that phone will ring! It happens every day. "

Now that example is pretty wild and out there and I hope that I can safely assume none of you would ever say that to someone in renal failure. But that is exactly how I feel when someone tells me to stop complaining.