What's that sound?

That would be me, hyperventilating. That stinking bird is really getting to me. I think I have the whole cooking thing down. Nana talked to me last night and walked me through the process. Like a good student, I diligently took notes. I'm going to cook the bird on my gas grill, thus freeing up space for my rolls, pie, and casseroles in the oven. So why am I hyperventilating?

The bird is still frozen. Sure parts of it feel thawed, but one big hunk feels frozen. I put it in the fridge on Wednesday. It only weighs 12 pounds. This page and this page say that it only needs 24 hours per 5 pounds, so it should be thawed by Saturday. But it isn't. My mom says to not worry about it. That once I take all the stuff out of the middle and give it the remaining 16 hours till I have to cook it, that it will be thawed enough. I do know that it can go into the grill a bit frozen, just takes longer. So I'm going to increase my cooking time and throw it on the grill at 6:30am instead of 7am. Family is supposed to be here at 11am and we are supposed to sit down and eat at 11:30. So, really I should be OK.

I need to remember to show Erich the video that shows how to carve the turkey. We are going to be all fancy pancy over here and carve at the table. Cool, eh? (But remember I won't be carving because that squicks me out.)

I'm getting ready to set the table now. My mom bought me a tablecloth that goes well with my dining room and will work for Christmas also. She scored a rocking deal as it was normally priced for $40 and it was 66% off. She bought it for $13 and change. I already pressed my napkins last night and they are already in the napkin rings. (I said we were going to be fancy pancy.) So I'll get the tablecloth on and then I will wash all the china and set it out. I'm going to get out the wine glasses, but we'll all be drinking water. I'm not offering anything else, to help smooth the bumps in the day. We'll have coffee and milk with desert.

So I should get going and set my table and wash dishes and stuff. Do you think I can convince Erich to take me out to Outback tonight to satisfy my hankering for a steak and some of those cheesy fries with ranch sauce? It'd be nice, because I don't want to touch anything so it's all ready to go in the morning, without having to wash dishes at 5am.

Tickers Pickers

I'm not incredibly fond of the two tickers on the page. Someone asked when I was going to put a pregnancy ticker up, and although I wanted to put one up immediately, I didn't just want to kick Magdalena's off, if you know what I mean.

I already had plans to get rid of Magdalena's ticker on her 2nd birthday. That seems a good place to stop the ticker madness so to speak. But I had a ticker for Magdalena's pregnancy, so it seems appropriate that this baby gets one to.

So until January, ya'll will just have to live with two tickers. Then it will be back to one ticker. ;) Can you guys handle that until January?

My Life In Bullet Points

• My house is a disaster and I don't want to clean it. I'm tired*. Damnit.
• Family is coming on Sunday and the house needs to be clean by then. Ugh. And they insisted on eating at 11:30am. That means I have to be up at 6am to start the grill and get the bird ready. Does anyone else see the problem with this besides me?
• Erich brought a fern plant in from outside to escape the cold. It smells funky and makes me want to hurl. Why am I the only one who smells this?
• Last night I broke a drinking glass. Of course, it was while I was in a hurry, but I was very careful and meticulous in picking it up and sweeping since we all walk barefoot.
  
• This afternoon while running through the kitchen I stepped on a piece of glass. When I went to dig it out, I realized it was very lodged without edges, making it almost impossible to pull out. Thoughts of taking a toddler to the ER drifted through my head, so I squeezed the darn thing (cutting myself even more) and "birthed" the very large piece of glass. So now I'm tired and my foot hurts.
• In an effort to make things go smoothly tonight, I remembered that all of the night time diapers were dirty. So at 2pm, I put the diapers in the washer and then proceeded to forget about them until about an hour ago. So now, they are doing their vinegar wash at which point they'll need another hour to dry. So Magdalena won't be in bed until 10pm. Have I mentioned that I'm tired?
• Erich has to back up 5 computers tonight after work because they are moving them to a new building in the morning. Since he doesn't get off of work until 10, he'll be gone a long long time tonight. And then tomorrow he must be up at the crack of dawn to finish the job.
  
• When I roll on to my tummy in my sleep now, it feels like I rolled over onto a ball.
  
• My insurance has decided that all the prenatal vitamins I have samples of are non formulary and I should pay 50% of them. I AM NOT paying $25 a month for prenatals when they should stinking pay for them. UGH.
• Imacmom, we talked about prenatals before. Can you drop me an email and tell me which ones you like?
• I'm tired. When is someone going to invent that self cleaning house?

*I'm not exactly complaining about my pregnancy. I know that someone is going to come out of the woodwork and tell me that since I wanted to be pregnant so bad, that I shouldn't complain. Obviously this person has never been pregnant and tired. So to clear it up, I'm thrilled to be pregnant. I'm thrilled to not be sick. I know that beggars can't be choosers. I'm just simply stating the fact that I am really really really tired. Okay?

The Ultrasound Where My Heart Stops

We had our last ultrasound on Monday with Dr.H. I've been released to my regular OBGYN with good wishes, promises to come back and show them a beautiful baby in June, and the promise to help me if I should ever want more help. It was bittersweet. The nurses came and hugged me and Magdalena waved "Bye!" and blew kisses.

The ultrasound was really cool except for the fact that my kid scared the LIVING CRAP OUT OF ME. Normally, when you have those vaginal ultrasounds as soon as the wand is, *ahem* placed you see baby. But that didn't happen. And as the wand was moved around all we kept seeing was this empty sac. This is where my heart starts to race and then just stops all together. Finally, in the most umcomfortable place, they find baby, perfectly happy, healthy heart, just hanging out avoiding us. Baby kept flipping not wanting us to see him (or her!) or let us measure or anything. But we finally did with the help of others and everything looks fantabulous. Baby is three times the size he was last week! Isn't that amazing and crazy all at the same time? Measuring a day ahead of all of our dates (measured 6/24), we saw a tiny umbilical cord and a strong strong heart. He was moving lots and just doing really well. We are thrilled.

I called my OB's office, where they congratulated me and scheduled my first OB appointment for 10/29 at which point I'll be 10w2d. Can you believe that? That is less than two weeks away! We are almost out of November! And in less than two weeks , I'll have finished 25% of this pregnancy. For trying so long, it seems it's just flying by.

I'm still not sick. I've had the occasional awful feelings and one night of not being able to get off the couch, but other than that, things have been great. I seem to have a lot more headaches this time around, but I've been treating those with rest, water, and small frequent doses of caffiene in the form of beverages.

This Sunday we are having Thanksgiving dinner here at our house for Erichs family. We're having turkey, green bean casserole, sour cream mashed potatoes, steamed carrots with butter, stuffing, and homemade rolls. For desert, a made from scratch apple crisp with homemade vanilla ice cream. Sounds yummy huh? I'm having a lot of anxiety over cooking this damn bird. I've never cooked a turkey and the thought of it kinda makes me queasy. I like turkey and I like chicken, but I have this quirk where I refuse to eat things off of bones. Seriously, it makes me ill. Anyway, my grandpa "Pa" wants me to cook the turkey on the grill. This sounds like fun and scary all at the same time. I had decided I should use one of those oven bags, but when I got them home there were only two bags in the box. No ties, no instructions, urgh! If I cook the bird in the bag, there is no basting right? And how do I season it? Just brush it with some olive oil and throw it in the bag? So many questions, such little time.

Other than that, not much going on around here. Erich is working like a madman. The crazy crazy rains came through yesterday. It was 65 degrees outside yesterday and overnight it dropped to below 30 degrees. They say it won't get above 40 today and there are lots of small little flurries outside. I think I'd be okay with a chilly day with some flurries on Sunday for Thanksgiving. I made a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and I'm about to sit and watch the first snowflakes of the season while Magdalena naps upstairs.

What A Difference A Week Makes

Baby appears to be growing well! :) We saw a very strong heartbeat today. There is nothing
better than seeing that brand new heart working so well! Dr. H did come in during the u/s today to make sure we looked in my tubes and ovaries to make sure there were no misplaced babies because my HCG levels are so high. There is indeed only one and the clot/twin? from last week seems to have been absorbed completely by my body. Dr. H said baby looks great and declared it a boy. :P One more u/s and then I leave that office for my regular OB. **sniff** I've grown quite fond of them, and it will be hard, but I'm so excited. As things progress, I'm embracing the fact that I have a healthy pregnancy and beautiful baby that I will meet early next summer! It's a little to overwhelming.

In other news, I've been looking at some maternity pants at Old Navy. I'm actually looking at the maternity pants that don't actually *look* like maternity pants. This is very important. I am only 7w1d and there is absolutely NO reason I should be donning maternity wear. But unless I want to go to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners in sweatpants, I'm going to have to jump on the maternity wagon because my jeans kissed me goodbye. So I'm going with maternity pants that don't look like maternity pants. If I had more money, I would buy myself some fat pants, but I have enough to buy fat pants or maternity pants. And I'll need the maternity ones sooner or later.

Erich has nicknamed the baby "Neo" and declared him "the one." (I didn't ask why, I'm just going to say it's "the one we worked so hard for") We talk to Magdalena about the baby that is coming, mainly because she likes toget up in the morning and jump on tummy. So we talk about the baby in Mommy's tummy and she rubs my belly fat and says "baibeh preetee" Erich had a conversation that went something like this:

Erich: Are you going to be a big sister?
Magdalena: Yes!

E: Do you want a baby brother?
M: NO!

E: Do you want a baby sister?
M: NO!

Alrighty then. Magdalena continues to demonstrate her motherly ways. She now nurses her babies which I find absolutely gut wrenching adorable. She changes diapers on the babies by getting her own and trying to put them on the baby. She dances with Elmo and sings "preetee baibeh" She loves holding real babies and gets frustrated at LLL when she can't hold the babies (because we don't know the people. heh) The other night I went in to bed to find her sleeping with her baby in the crook of her arm. This is the position she puts herself in when she climbs into bed with me. It fills my heart with joy and my eyes with tears. My baby is growing up to fast. She is going to be the best big sister.

Deep Inside My Womb...

You find this.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

Remember the movie Cinderella? (Note to self: Need to buy DVD for Magdalena. Must have movie. heh) Anyway, the song A Dream is A Wish Your Heart Makes has been floating in my mind for the last day or two. I've been remembering my dream about the little boy I gave birth to. Anyway, I looked up the lyrics and found they were so appropriate for my situation right now.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling thru
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
the dream that you wish will come true"
-- Disney Cinderella

This morning I went in for my ultrasound. It was a trying night, because my mind was filled with random thoughts, multiple heartbeats, bleeding, no sac. Anything you could imagine.

My ultrasound was so good though. There is one good sized sac, fetal pole and yolk intact. There appears to be another smaller sac that could be a blood clot or a vanishing twin. Either way, we are over the moon that there is a healthy baby in there. Baby measured 6w1d (right on track for my calculations, 1 day ahead by thiers) and we saw the fluttering of a heartbeat! :) It's early,so it was hard to see, but the nurse and I both definitely saw fluttering! :) I convinced Dr. H to bring me back in next week for an ultrasound. yay! He said he'd probably see me one more time, and then send me to my OB. Probably just in time to hear baby on doppler. Now is where you hear me (and Erich) breathing a giant sigh of relief. (Erich is over the moon that there is only ONE! heh.)

Dr. H came into the room said "good job! my nurse tells me you'd like to come in every day for an u/s" heh. Yeah, I've been a bit nervous. But knowing that things are going just according to plan, that there is a sac of appropriate size and a tiny fluttering heart, sets me at ease. Now it's time to enjoy my pregnancy that is not making me vomit daily (so far).

**yawn**

I have never known exhaustion like this. It almost hurts! Anyway, Allison asked when my due date is. We are looking at June 25, 2006 ish. If there is more than one baby in there, I will most likely have another section and will deliver early. If only one baby, I would like to VBAC, but there are a lot of things that need to be thought out first and a lot more conversations with both my husband and my OB.

June 22 is Erichs birthday. I'm really excited for him because I know that he thinks that is pretty cool. I do know that I will make sure not to have a baby on the 22nd. ;) That just isn't fair!

The main pregnancy symptom at this point is exhaustion. It doesn't help that yesterday I worked a 16 hour shift at the assisted living place. I went in yesterday at 3pm and came home this morning at 7am. Erich brought Magdalena to see me after she woke from her nap at 5 and then they went home and had some quality one on one time. Erich really needed that as he misses his baby. Afterwards he gave her a bath and then she went to bed without fuss. I'm trying not to beat myself up for not being there for her bedtime. She was in more than capable hands and things appear to have gone really well. I really needed to work this shift for our family so I'm trying to reassure myself.

But being awake for close to 23 hours is not easy for a woman how is 5 weeks pregnant. At about 2am I thought I was dying. Seriously. Then the woman wanted to go to the bathroom so I some how got my 6th wind or so and carried on. :)

I really haven't had any nausea. Yes, there have been waves of nausea, but not the all day awful feeling I felt with Magdalena at this point. I'm trying to tell myself that this is okay, that things are fine, and that baby is fine too. I'm trying not to worry, but it is awfully hard.

There have been waves of nausea, and there is definitely that feeling of wanting to eat the things you can't have. (That's Erichs favorite part of pregnancy! hahaha!) I have to talk myself into things. Like yesterday, Erich brought me some leftover beef noodles. Normally, beef noodles sound like heaven. But it took me a good hour to convince myself that those noodles would be delicious!

I'm also having the symptom of pregnancy where you are eating something that is SO delicious until the end of the meal where you start thinking "this is awful, why am I eating this?"

I seem to have a heightened sense of smell this time. There were all sorts of smells floating around the Assisted Living place,and took a lot of my strength to ignore them as they were making my tummy turn.

And last but certainly not least, my uterus has appeared out of nowhere. At first I thought it was my swollen ovaries, but they seem to have deflated a bit. While my button pants still fit, they bother me something terrible. I've switched to my elastic waisted pants. It is way to early to be turning my regular pants away. It's like I got pregnant, and my uterus exclaimed, "finally! I now have a reason to free myself of that drafty old pelvis. It is much nicer up here!" Or alternatively, my uterus could have four or five babies and is just growing accordingly. hahhahaha. Really I'm laughing, ha ha ha...

Anyway, 7 days until next Monday's u/s. Anyone have ANY recommendations on how I can help myself feel like this pregnancy isn't failing? Ugh.

I Remember This...

This mornings beta was 319. So it looks like this baby is a keeper. :) One nurse thinks there **may** be two babies in there. I say the more the merrier, but Erich being the primary bread winner gets a bit nervous at that prospect. I know we have enough baby girl clothes to clothe at least three girls simultaneously and enough blue/gender neutral to last at least a year. I know that my mom is likely to go crazy again, so I see no problems in that front. And since I'm so anti formula, we don't have to worry about that. So no problems, until you know they start eating food. heh.

Anyway,u/s is scheduled for October 31st. Then another u/s (I believe?) at 8 weeks and I'm free to go to my own OB! By Christmas, I'll be out of the nightmare that is the first 12 weeks. That isn't bad, now is it? Time will fly since Halloween ( u/s)is in less than two weeks, then we have Thanksgiving (another u/s, released to OB), then Christmas (end of first 12 weeks), and January is Magdalena's birthday. See? Time is going to fly! Yay!

The nausea is coming in waves, though still not as bad as with Magdalena. I wish it were worse though, so I felt better. I do feel better after the second beta, and I'm going to sit back and relax. Baby is fine, right? I am exhausted though. We got home from going to see a baby (remember my friend who was due now) and the blood draw, and I was ready to fall down into bed.

Yesterday I opened up the fridge, starving, and thought "oh yeah, I remember this." Nothing looked good. I really wanted some Franks Red Hot Sauce , the vinegar taste was calling me. I thought a hamburger to put the sauce on it, but we had no beef. I have a major hankering for beef, just like with Magdalena. So looking through the fridge, I see some cottage cheese and think, cottage cheese with some franks red hot sound DELICIOUS! And it was my friends. Though now it doesn't sound as good, but believe me, it was. :) Why is that you can be so hungry, but nothing in your fridge sounds good, but everything NOT in your fridge sounds fabulous. Ugh.

I got an offer to go sit with an older man at the assisted living place tonight. He takes himself to the potty and stuff (yay!) he just needs to be watches so he doesn't leave the apartment and get hurt. It's going to be a long night. I'm going out there at about 8pm and I'll be home around 7am-ish. I'll take my knitting to pass the time. My mom is going to come and watch Magalena, give her a bath and play with her until Erich gets home. I'm going to miss snuggling with my family, but I'll make it. I need to, the money is to good to pass up. :(

I want to thank you all for the well wishes, the crossed limbs, the positive vibes, and all of the excitement. It meant so much to me and Erich to see all of the excited people. I'm going to print them all off and save them for the future baby book, so this little person knows how excited everyone was to know s/he was on the way. I sincerely believe this would never have happened without your support and well wishes. I'm truly, truly blessed.

The Results Are In

I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned. Around 4:30am I just lay in bed listening to Erich and Magdalena sleeping. I was so scared I wasn't going to wake up. And I was thinking about the inevitable.

I arrived at the clinic at 7:40am. I was supposed to be there between 8am and 9am. I can never predict the traffic. Sometimes it's heavy, other times it light. I was called back into the office at 8:15. Immediately after drawing my blood, I felt like crying. It was awful. They said they would call in 3 hours.

Erich left for a service call when I got home, and I spent the next 2 hours facing the facts that I wasn't bleeding because of the progesterone. I cried a bit to get myself ready for the awful phone call that was to come. I talked to my grandparents and they wanted me to meet them at the dentists office.

I went over to the dentists office. Magdalena razzled and dazzled everyone. I was talking to the receptionist and my phone rang. I immediately said "I need to answer that!" I walked away from the counter and answered the phone.

The phone call was the call. It was Jaime, the nurse, calling. She sounded very happy and I was a bit peeved that she would sound so happy when she was calling to tell me bad news. She said," we have the results in Suzanne! Congratulations, you're pregnant!" I immediately started crying hysterically. All of the emotions of the month came flooding and I just couldn't hold back the flood gates. I had myself so convinced that it was negative and that I had wasted one entire year of my life trying to make a baby. The beta came back at 158. I'm officially pregnant.

The Post Where I Go Insane

It's 6:30pm. 13.5 hours till my blood draw. Magdalena and I are home alone. Erich had a service call. I'm anxiously waiting for him to call me and tell me he's on his way home so I can start dinner. We are going to have enchiladas and spanish rice. We are really tight on money so Erich told me to start being creative. His exact words were "pretend you're the Iron Chef, you love that show!" Alrighty then.

Last night was full of more bizarre dreams. I kept dreaming about not making it to the clinic in time, and the refused to draw my blood. I remember I was at home getting ready to leave and it was 8:30 when I realized I needed to be there between 8am and 9am and it takes almost an hour to get there. Thinking about it kinda stresses me out. I'm sure I'll be on time and I'm sure if I were late they would draw my blood, but it still makes me wanna be the first one in the door. Then maybe my blood will be the first in the machine. ;)

So a fellow clinic person who went to this doctor said they called by noon with pregnancy tests. Seriously if I have to wait until 3pm, I may go batty. I need to remember to stick my cell phone on the charger.

I am in the process of making my Mama Pads. I finally got the design right with something that I love. :) I'm making a dozen of them and then I'll probably tweek the pattern a bit more before I sell them. Who wants beautiful Mama Pads? :) My pads will be done tonight, so I'll post a pic of them.

I'm trying to talk myself into two things. I'm trying to tell myself that I will be okay if I have to bleed. No big deal. Just isn't the right time, right? I'm also trying to talk myself into being an optimist and thinking positive thoughts. I'm so torn that I have no clue what I think! Is it Monday yet?

I haven't taken a pregnancy test. I've been very very tempted today, but I've been a very good girl.

Okay, I don't think that I can ramble anymore. Send good thoughts. Though at this point, everything has already been decided. I just want it to go my way, ya know? I can still smell that tiny baby in my dream and feel his soft skin.

Video

Here's a short video of Magdalena this morning. Please ignore the mess, she drags all of her toys to the living room and then at the end of the day I pick it all up. And my knitting is on the table to because I am so close to finishing her sweater.

In the video, Magdalena is eating cottage cheese (Erich let her eat it in the LR not me!) and she is putting spoonfulls on the floor for Gracy (the dog) to eat. You can kinda see Gracy moving around eating the food, but she blends into the darkness.


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The Dream

When I was TTC the first time around, I had a dream about a beautiful brown eyed toddler girl that ran around the house filling it with laughter. That little girl is Magdalena, she matches the picture in my head perfectly. That dream will forever be burned into my brain and it seemed like a gift from some greater power when she came true.

Last night, I had this dream that I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy in the kitchen. I remember seeing the kitchen floor, and this teeny tiny baby sliding out of my body. I asked Erich to get something to cut the cord, and he handed me the kitchen scissors. The baby was so beautiful and I held him to my chest and smelled his sweet head. After we were detached, I took him upstairs where I washed his hair and cleaned him up. I put him in a kissaluv diaper and the tiny newborn wool wrap that I have and looked at him. He looked exactly like Magdalena did as a baby and I remember my heart feeling full as if it were going to burst.

I've been thinking about the dream all day. Feeling that tiny baby against my skin. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about it to. I can only hope that it was another gift from above.

Keeping Busy

I'm trying to keep busy. I'm very proud of myself as I haven't "cheated" and taken a HPT yet. And I'm not going to. If they tell me I'm pregnant on Monday, then I will probably take a test so I can see those two lines. I kept the test with Magdalena, wrapped it in plastic and put in a baggy where it now lives in her baby box. I know that is kinda gross, but I feel like I worked so hard to get those two lines, and I wanted to keep that prize. :) It's only fair that I do that the next time.

I need to sew my Mama Pads. I've neglected to do that every month and I feel like I really need to do that. Maybe if I actually get them done, I won't need them. A girl can hope, right? I also have a special embroidery project that needs to be done by Monday just in case things go our way. :)

I reorganized our kitchen the other day to get our toaster oven out and accessible. When Erichs grandparents sold their house in MO (then moved into Senior Living in TX near a son) I noticed they had a nice toaster oven, sparkling clean, and in the original box. I mentioned to Aunt Jan and my MIL that I would really like a toaster oven, but thought nothing beyond that. I was very surprised a week or two later when my in-laws brought it over. :) But I've never really found a good place to put it where it was accessible until yesterday. I'm excited about having it to use. I was able to clear out the toaster since the toaster oven will take that job over. I made Erich some sandwiches and froze them. Now all he has to do is pop it in the oven. ;)

On today's agenda is making an apple crisp (I'm having a major craving) and making banana muffins. The muffins will be wrapped in foil and frozen. They'll make an excellent snack or quick breakfast for Magdalena and Erich. This morning I made English Muffin Bread and later I'll be using it to assemble some egg and cheese sandwiches, which will be frozen. Erich will be able to pop those in the toaster oven in the mornings when he has early jobs, and be able to eat those instead of stopping at McD's.

Right now Magdalena is napping, T is at school, and I have a baked potato in the toaster oven. Soon I'll be eating a meal without anyone asking for a bite of it. That is true luxury my friends. ;)

Yada Yada Yada

I've started using Live Journal for some more intimate posts. If you have a LJ username and would like to be able to read that journal, just leave your username in the comments. I do have veto rights, but there shouldn't be any problems with 99% of your reading. :)

Erich and I took Magdalena up to Michigan City, IN on Monday. Since it was a bank holiday, Erich had the day off and we were able to enjoy a little mini road trip. I went and picked up some things for Magdalena and Lili at the Hanna Anderson outlet store. Magdalena's snowsuit was ordered from there also and should be here soon along with a playdress/daydress, leggings, and some pj's. I'm uploading pictures on my flickr account. You need to be a friend to see the ones of Magdalena though. And for your viewing pleasure I'll post a video for you here. :)

Magdalena had fun running in the sand barefoot. It was pretty windy out there but it was still nice. Erich said we couldn't leave without letting Magdalena dip her toes in Lake Michigan. (brrr! That lake is cold!) She didn't really enjoy the dipping, but she did enjoy chasing Daddy!


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ETA: Everyone who left their LJ name has been added. :) You should be able to see me when you look at the manage friends screen. Manda, I've emailed you. Dianna, could you make sure I added the right name.

I've Got Meme

You are RACHEL RAY, host of "$40 a Day"
and "30-Minute Meals". Youre zany,
just a little bit dorky, but you know your
stuff. You show quick and easy meals that dont
break your budget. You also love to travel,
and hunt for the most fun and the best deals.
You obviously love having fun and love showing
others how to have fun. Youre adventurous and
happy-go-lucky, yet way frugal and thrifty.
Good job!


Which Food Network Personality are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Imposter

From Ovagirl:

"So this was me, mincing, up to Mary'?s place, to have a little chat and make a couple of requests. It couldn'?t hurt, I figured. I asked for me But I asked for all of you too. I asked for the women who know the fear, the loss, the hurt, the grief, the gut tearing anger, the tears. The women who write about their pain, and the women who read about it and who recognize their own story about infertility on the screen before them. We all tell the same story, again and again, in a multitude of variations. Like snowflakes. Like popcorn kernels. Like babies. Like us. I know logically there can'?t be happy endings for every single infertility story being told on the web. But I asked anyway. For all of us."


I often feel like an imposter in these rings of people who are dealing with same crap I'm dealing with. I may have had a drug cycle like IVF'ers, but I didn't do IVF. No egg retrieval, no transfers, just needles and loving. To be honest, sometimes the loving feels a bit routine and mandatory. After all someone told us to have "intercourse." But it isn't in a cold sterile room (though a change of scenery might have livened things up LOL). Anyway, what I'm saying is that they just pump me full of drugs and send me home to my husband.

So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. Friday they called to tell me they wanted me to take another dose of Antagon, FOUR vials of Repronex, and then on Saturday AM take 175 of Follistim and trigger Saturday evening. So essentially they gave me a giant booster of fertility drugs and then released! Actually they didn't come out until yesterday morning, and it woke me from a sound sleep. Oh the agony! I lay in bed imagining all those follicles rupturing and the little eggies traveling into my tubes being met up by the most handsome spermies they had ever seen! They danced, talked, and hopefully some of those spermies jumped right in if you know what I mean. And don't you worry, there were plenty of spermies and as long as they weren't all shy, we'll be successful. I told Erich that I'd hate for his boys to go all middle school dance on me. You know, a cafeteria with punch and balloons, his boys on one side of the room, my eggs on the other. There better have been dancing! Sheesh. :)

So now we wait. Each night I get out my crinone suppository and think, please God Please! I feel nothing. A bit of soreness but nothing terrible. I'm waiting. 8-10 days before they implant. 13 days until we find out. Please God please. If those kiddies danced, we'd have babies due just 3 days after Erich's birthday. 9 days before my birthday! Happy birthday us! Please God Please! Let me have my birthday early. I'll even make it up to you and not complain at the end. You can even make me way overdue so I'll be pregnant on my birthday. Please. I'm begging!

If the test comes back positive, I have a plan to tell Erich. I want to make it special. I'm so excited. I sit on my hands right now, willing myself to not start on that project. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to be to hopeful. I don't want to not have hope though, that would be no good. I'm neutral. I'm ready. I'm praying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, praying. I'm not going to take tests this time. Maybe I'm supposed to learn patience. Maybe this is my lesson to learn. It didn't happen for a reason last month. This is my month. That is what I keep chanting. **whispers** This.Is.My.Month. Please God Please.

Ouch

Well this morning was the last u/s of this cycle! yay! It was a very very good u/s at that. There are three follicles in the right and seven in the left for a total of NINE follicles! Wow. We trigger tomorrow and by Monday there should be SEVEN follicles mature enough for fertilization. So we achieved Dr. H's request of 5 or 6 follicles.

My stomach looks awful. It's littered with little bruises but the big thing is that I'm having some sort of skin reaction to the injections of Repronex. From one side of my tummy to the other is one giant hive that is raised, red, hurts, and itches. I was told that this was somewhat common with Repronex but the website says 5 in 100. I've been slathering on hydrocortisone cream like it's going out of style. The funny thing is that the hive doesn't appear until the next morning (I take the Repronex at night). So I have two different injection sites that have meshed into one and another one that should pop up in the morning. I just got back from the drugstore with some oral Benadryl. I'm going to start popping those. My tummy hurts so bad! I can't even do the dishes because I can't stand to get up next to the darn sink!

In really great news, my body is giving me all the signs that it is ready for a baby. It probably shouldn't surprise me that these signs are very strong and abundant considering my ovaries are very very full.

And someone asked what ovary pain felt like. I feel pressure, twisting, throbbing, and stabbing pains. It's uncomfortable, but I know things are going well. It hurts if pressure is placed on my tummy (from the allergic reaction and the ovaries). It also really hurts if my bladder gets to full kinda like when you are really really pregnant.

So, we'll trigger tomorrow. Should ovulate Monday morning(ish). I'll start progesterone support on Monday evening and Monday October 17 I'll go in for a pregnancy test. So we are in the final stretch! Please be thinking sticky egg vibes this weekend and next week. I'm hopeful and excited and ready!

Cycle Day 10

I'm okay. I kind of vanished for a bit there and I apologize. Life has been super busy. Saturday I had an ultrasound and blood draw. All looks well, and at that point my left ovary looked a bit sluggish, but was responding. My estradiol level came back at 97 (we're aiming for 100) and so my meds were increased from 150iu to 200iu. My estradiol should be doubling every 2 days at this point so on Monday I went back for another ultrasound. Both right and left ovaries have "a bunch" (nurses words not mine) of follicles all measuring at about 9mm in size. Right where they should be at this point. My left ovary seems to have pulled ahead and is looking a bit better than the right side, though they both ache all day long. My estradiol level came back at a whopping 245! So, I was told to take 200iu yesterday and 175iu today. Tomorrow AM I go back in for another blood draw and u/s. Hopefully this time both ovaries will be on track and we'll get a better count. We weren't really able to count last time because my bladder was full, though I didn't feel like I had to go to the potty until that dang u/s wand was um, you know, put into position. So alls well right now. I have all of my drugs. Erich asked me if I was planning on opening a pharmacy on our front porch. heh.

The Man With A Plan

Yesterday morning I went in for my (obviously negative) beta HCG blood draw. I was informed that I needed to make an appointment with Dr. H and I would have to wait a cycle before starting drugs again. Almost in tears, I approached the counter, paid my balance, and asked to make an appt. She asked me how soon I wanted it and I asked for this week, because I knew I'd forget all the questions mulling around in my head if I waited to long. She said she had an appt that afternoon at 2:15 and I jumped on it. :)

So Magdalena and I went and found Daddy who had a service call early that morning. We went to a couple of computer stores and then went to Chilis for lunch. After that Daddy had to head to work and Magdalena and I went to Wild Oats for some Bac Out and then to Target. At about 1:30 we headed back towards the doctors office arriving there around 2pm. Magdalena was asleep and I somehow managed to carry her in to the office without waking her up.

We waited, waited, and waited some more. Around 3:15 they called me back and I chatted with the nurses. At about 3:30, Dr. H came in. He apologized over and over about leaving me waiting so long with an almost 2 year old. And then he apologized for not getting the results we wanted. He said he was sorry it didn't work. I pointed out that it did work (I made eggs) but we didn't achieve the wanted outcome. :) He said I should be the doctor, that sounds exactly what a doctor would say.

We talked about how my left ovary stopped responding and he agreed that it was probably "resting" since last month it was the over achiever. We talked about an IUI and how Erich really doesn't want to do that and Dr. H made it clear that he didn't think an IUI would make the difference for us. And then he laid out the plan...

The plan is to start out on Follistim at 150units. (Last month we started at 125units.) Towards the middle of my cycle he will give me a drug called Antagon which will essentially shut down my pituitary gland so that it won't send out the surge and make me ovulate. Since he is shutting down my pituitary gland he has to add in another fertility drug called Repronex. When he gets the desired amount of follicles at the desired size he'll trigger with Novarel (HCG). Three days after ovulation I'll be put on progesterone support since my pituatary gland may need a bit of help after the Antagon. The progesterone they will put me on is Crinone.

After the plan was laid, I asked if he really wanted me to wait a month. I really wanted to keep going and he agreed that I could as long as I didn't have any big cysts or such from the drugs last cycle. So he sent me in and did my baseline u/s immediately and all is well in my ovaries. And so we were given the thumbs up to keep going. :)

So there you have it. :) Injections start today. I'm 99% positive that I'm going to be hurting when I get done with this cycle. That is a lot of injections, sometimes 3 a day plus every other day blood draws. Not to mention the butt shot and all the vaginal u/s. Of course all of that sex will wear me out too. ;) But hopefully in 14 days (or so) I'll be incubating a tiny embryo, and hopefully in 28 days, I'll be puking and not bleeding and otherwise blissfully pregnant. So start contorting your bodies and crossing things and sending me some baby vibes. And you ladies are the best in case you didn't already know it. Thank you for following my journey and being anxious and hopefuly with me, it means the world to me and helps SO much.