Thursday, March 20, 2003

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Okay, I'm better. I apologize for my mental breakdown yesterday. It has just been a tough road lately. I went to the doctor. It looks like I am not hemoragging and that my body is responding to the glucophage. My insulin is still not normal but has gone down since the last time we tested! yay! She says this is a VERY good sign. They drew my blood for a hemoglobin and though it is on the low side of normal, it is still in the normal range so no D and C. No surgery! Yay! She did make me take today off to just relax and get some sleep and let my body regenerate the nourishment it is losing. She gave me Prometrium, which is progesterone. She thinks that I'm going to get pregnant soon. Yay! So now lets just cross our fingers and hope that I ovulate this month! :) That nap really helped my outlook on stuff today, can you tell? Still tired but not as exhausted as I have been feeling!

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

I'm an awful awful person. My mother told me today that my cousin is finally pregnant. She has had about three failed attempts at artificial insemination. And I really and truly happy for her, it's just that is so hard. I want to be pregnant so bad. I want a baby in the worst way. I want to call her but I don't want her to feel sorry for me or feel weird. I have been doing so well now that I got my period but that was eleven days ago and I'm still bleeding heavily. Which is bad. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow because Melissa made me. The worst case scenario is that my hemoglobin is really low and I'll need blood and-or surgery to get everything out and hopefully be like brand new. Everybody at work is pregnant. And I do mean everybody. I've never wanted more in my entire life then babies.It is supposed to be so damn simple. You grow up, go to school, get married, have babies. That is the natural progression, right? So why is the one thing that I want more than anything in the world is the one thing that my body is having trouble doing.I can't take it anymore. There are so many people out there that don't want babies or think that babies are a burden and I'd give anything to be pregnant right now. I don't won't surgery, and I don't want to be admitted to the hospital. I want the bleeding to stop, to ovulate, get pregnant, and be done with it. I'm so absolutely sick of going to the OBGYN. I swear my insurance company is sending her kids to college. Why can't I just catch a break? First it was the cervical cancer now the polycystic ovary syndrome. I'm so absolutely tired emotionally and physically. Probably physically because i'm freaking bleeding to death! Though there is some good news that the first pap they did after my surgery showed everything as normal. Two more normal ones and I'll be home free, which means just going once a year which would be grand. That was great news. Now if I can only get out of this without a blood transfusion and surgery. Please keep me in your thoughts, I can't keep up with this much longer...