Thursday, November 20, 2003

Another Apology

Once again I find myself sitting down to write how sorry I am for my lack of updates. I do feel bad, and feel as though it is my obligation to those (if any of you are still out there) who read (or used to read) daily. Things have been quite hectic as I enter into the ten week countdown. The baby shower is this weekend. Phoebe will be here all day Saturday and then Sunday I am having around 16 people over for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful, believe me. I have a wonderful husband and this awesome little creature growing inside me. It's just that lately things seem to take a ton of energy to do. I have so much to do and the urge to do it, but my new found roundness makes accomplishing these tasks a bit difficult.

I do find my "roundness" amazing. And I seem to get rounder and rounder everyday. I always thought I would bask in the wonder of my protruding belly, which I do. I always dreamed of being pregnant and loving every minute of it, which I do. But as the days pass, I find myself leaning more towards being anxious about the birth of our child. I want it to be right now . I think this happens with every Mom. And I do believe it is the natural progression of life. I seem to find the parallel in death. ( I know this sounds odd, but run with me for a minute.)

I'm completely scared of death. I think some of this may go back to my fathers death and some just because I'm so young. I have so much to accomplish still. So many things to do, children to have, time to spend with the love of my life. Years ago when I worked in a nursing home, I found a very valuable friendship in a lady named Irene. I adored Irene and spent the little down time I had giving her "extra" love. I gave everyone extra love because I'm that kind of person, but she intrigued me. She and I talked about death once and she told me she wasn't afraid. She welcomed it. She was tired and had lived a very full life. She had accomplished the things she wanted to and had come to find peace with the world around her. She was ready to pass on. I miss Irene terribly now, but I find peace that she was ready. She had lived her life and maybe I will find her again someday, wherever we "end up." I think she would love to hold my baby and parts of me think she already has, as silly as that may sound. Anywho, back to the parallel. At the beginning of the pregnancy I wanted only to hold on to the fact that I was pregnant and wanted to stay that way. Towards the middle I have painted the room and have made room in our home for this new addition. We've talked about her. Named her. Thought about what she may be and what we want her to learn. And now, in my new huge roundness and umcomfyness, I have found peace that my body can nurture a child. That my body knows how and my mind has now moved beyond staying pregnant, to wanting to hold our baby in our arms. To smell her hair and kiss her tiny toes, that sounds "del-ovely>" (You do remember that song from Anything Goes by Cole Porter, right?) Even though we may not have all of the baby stuff, we are ready to greet her.

Okay, well I had mopped the kitchen and cleaned the downstairs batheroom, and I was writing this as the floor dried. I'm sure it's dry now and I should get off my bum and keep going while I have some steam still. Friends was good this evening and Scrubs will be on in a few minutes. Not to mention Prince Charming should be coming home and I can't wait to see his handsome face again. It's funny how much love I feel in my heart right now. I loved him more then life itself before, for bringing greatness to my life, for completing me. I never dreamed I could love him even more then I already did, but I do. He gave me this baby. It's our love and determination that created her and I can't wait to see him hold her for the first time. I think it will be a moment I will never forget. The two greatest loves in my life, holding each other.

Monday, November 17, 2003


So did I mention anything about the GTT test results a few weeks ago? I DON"T have gestational diabetes and still have hypoglycemia when not controlled by.. well. .. eating constantly. They were like "good news no diabetes." surprise surprise. I knew that, so did we really need to waste my time? :) But they did a CBC and it turns out I'm anemic. Gee, maybe that's why I feel like I've been hit by a dump truck. Combine that with major cleaning around here since Phoebe is coming all day Saturday for the baby shower and Sunday we are having the most people we've ever had in this house for Thanksgiving, I've not been online much. I'm wondering why I agreed to cook a HUGE thanksgiving dinner at almost 31 weeks pregnant. (Measuring about 33 so I'm just going to start saying 33 weeks pregnant because dangit I feel like that. heh.)

I've got to go shower for my doctor appointment. I'll update about that when I get home. No work today, they cancelled me. whee. It's horribly foggy outside so I should probably leave early and this baby is a mad woman this morning. I'm very uncomfortable and it really isn't my belly. Hmp. I kinda have a headache, wonder what my blood pressure is like. No swelling though at all. :) That really brings me joy. Why yes Mr. so and so I'm eight months pregnant spend eight hours + a day on my feet lifting and pushing and I"M NOT SWOLLEN. NEEENER NEENER NEENER. Okay enough of that. Off to the shower. I'll post more later.