Saturday, July 15, 2006

One Month

I can't believe it's been a whole month. Carmina's been here a whole month. I have a hard time imagining a time without her and I come to realize that she's always been with me in some form. From a twinkle in my eye, the most intense desire to bring another child into the world, I realize I was fighting to bring her here. Not just any baby, *this* baby. I sometimes wonder if she was fighting just as hard.

I've watched her grow since last September. I watched little follicles grow and ripen. Then I cried when I saw that tiny sac with a tiny heartbeat. I've watched as she went from a fetal pole, to a little blob of baby, to this skeleton peaking at me through the u/s. We saw the chubby face in the last u/s sucking her fingers and grinning at me, but I never imagined she would be so beautiful. So perfect.

She looks just like Magdalena. And she looks just like Erich. And I see myself in her too. The color of her eyes right now look just like my Dads and they have that same twinkle. I realize that dream is ture. He *is* here. He's a part of her and me and Magdalena. Most of all, Carmina is herself. She's a combination of all the people that love her most. She has bits of personality that show themselves everyday. I pick her up and see Erich and feel a wave of love for all three of them. I'm truly blessed. Erich and I both realized just how blessed we are.

I love climbing into bed at night and Erich and I lay and marvel at her size. "She's so tiny! So Perfect!" I don't think we ever felt like this with Magdalena. Sure she was tiny and we think she's perfect to, but we were always anxious for what was ahead. "Just wait till she says Daddy!" or "I can't wait till she can walk!" With Carmina I find myself saying "you're growing to fast! stay small!" I'm definitely savoring each moment a little longer.

So I say all this to apologize for my lack of updates. I spend most days running around. Carmina is different from her sister and refuses to be set down for to long. So she snuggles in the sling and then Magdalena comes and takes up the rest of my lap, so there's no room to type and share. My lap is as full as my heart is at this point. So if you wonder what I'm doing, I'm singing Elmos World while holding that tiny perfect person to my breast. I'm marveling at how wonderful my daughters are and falling in love with my husband constantly over and over again for giving me such a wonderful life. He gave me these wonderful babies that I have the awesome privilege of knowing and loving.

I worked for an entire year to bring a baby into our lives. And she has done so much for me. She brightens my day. She fills a spot in my heart. She fits in. I know now I fought so hard because she is supposed to be here. I won't say that our family is complete, because I'm not sure that it is. But for now, our hearts are full and our days are filled with smiles and laughter. What more could a Mommy ask for?