Sunday, May 21, 2006

I Still Miss Him

Yesterday marked the day that my dad died 14 years ago. At this point, he's been gone longer than he was with me. I'm told I look a lot like my father, and pictures of us as younger children make us seem identical. So naturally I see him in Magdalena. He would have made a phenomenal grandfather had he been given the chance. It's really hard to cope with the fact that I still miss him *so* much.

Near the end of my pregnancy with Magdalena, I had a dream that my father came to the hospital. In the dream, my family was all around us in the hospital room and there was a knock on the door. It was my father and he just walked in like it was so normal that he would appear for the event. It didn't really cause an uproar and people didn't seem amazed that he was there. It was all very ordinary, you know? Anyway, he came in and asked to hold the baby. I handed her to him and said "I'm so glad you came to meet her." He replied, "I wouldn't miss this for the world kid." It's a beautiful memory I have, and really I felt him with me the whole time I labored. Along with the reassuring hands of the nurses and Erich, I felt my dad right there with me, telling me it was going to be okay.

When I was wheeled into the OR for my csection, I was punched in the gut with this dread. It was a combination of knowing that I was going to be a mother very soon and I was having major surgery. As soon as they had me transferred onto the table though, I had this warm rush of reassuring love. I knew it was going to be okay. I knew that I was being taken care of and that I would make it through this. I was able to pull myself together and be able to calm Erich down. It was amazing, and I do believe it was my dad right there with me.

A couple of weeks ago I had another dream about my father. I've had it once or twice since then, but I can still vividly remember the dream. In it, my dad had come back to see us. My mom was here and the two of them were ducking behind corners and such "acting like teenagers", kissing, hugging, and giggling. Erich was at work and Magdalena was playing like she normally does. I was pregnant with this bambina.

The dream cuts to the bedroom, where I'm changing the sheets. My dad comes into help me and we have a conversation. I tell him I'm so happy that "they" allowed him to come back and see us and that he'll get to meet Erich and really get to know Magdalena. He tells me he is glad to be back and he looks forward to getting to know Erich and hanging out with Magdalena. I ask how long he'll be able to stay to which he replies, "I'll be here until the baby gets here and a little while after that. I'm really looking forward to playing with Magdalena a lot and helping you with the new one. I'm glad I get to be there for that." The dream ends when I tell him I love him so much and I've really missed him.