Thursday, November 20, 2003

Another Apology

Once again I find myself sitting down to write how sorry I am for my lack of updates. I do feel bad, and feel as though it is my obligation to those (if any of you are still out there) who read (or used to read) daily. Things have been quite hectic as I enter into the ten week countdown. The baby shower is this weekend. Phoebe will be here all day Saturday and then Sunday I am having around 16 people over for Thanksgiving. I'm thankful, believe me. I have a wonderful husband and this awesome little creature growing inside me. It's just that lately things seem to take a ton of energy to do. I have so much to do and the urge to do it, but my new found roundness makes accomplishing these tasks a bit difficult.

I do find my "roundness" amazing. And I seem to get rounder and rounder everyday. I always thought I would bask in the wonder of my protruding belly, which I do. I always dreamed of being pregnant and loving every minute of it, which I do. But as the days pass, I find myself leaning more towards being anxious about the birth of our child. I want it to be right now . I think this happens with every Mom. And I do believe it is the natural progression of life. I seem to find the parallel in death. ( I know this sounds odd, but run with me for a minute.)

I'm completely scared of death. I think some of this may go back to my fathers death and some just because I'm so young. I have so much to accomplish still. So many things to do, children to have, time to spend with the love of my life. Years ago when I worked in a nursing home, I found a very valuable friendship in a lady named Irene. I adored Irene and spent the little down time I had giving her "extra" love. I gave everyone extra love because I'm that kind of person, but she intrigued me. She and I talked about death once and she told me she wasn't afraid. She welcomed it. She was tired and had lived a very full life. She had accomplished the things she wanted to and had come to find peace with the world around her. She was ready to pass on. I miss Irene terribly now, but I find peace that she was ready. She had lived her life and maybe I will find her again someday, wherever we "end up." I think she would love to hold my baby and parts of me think she already has, as silly as that may sound. Anywho, back to the parallel. At the beginning of the pregnancy I wanted only to hold on to the fact that I was pregnant and wanted to stay that way. Towards the middle I have painted the room and have made room in our home for this new addition. We've talked about her. Named her. Thought about what she may be and what we want her to learn. And now, in my new huge roundness and umcomfyness, I have found peace that my body can nurture a child. That my body knows how and my mind has now moved beyond staying pregnant, to wanting to hold our baby in our arms. To smell her hair and kiss her tiny toes, that sounds "del-ovely>" (You do remember that song from Anything Goes by Cole Porter, right?) Even though we may not have all of the baby stuff, we are ready to greet her.

Okay, well I had mopped the kitchen and cleaned the downstairs batheroom, and I was writing this as the floor dried. I'm sure it's dry now and I should get off my bum and keep going while I have some steam still. Friends was good this evening and Scrubs will be on in a few minutes. Not to mention Prince Charming should be coming home and I can't wait to see his handsome face again. It's funny how much love I feel in my heart right now. I loved him more then life itself before, for bringing greatness to my life, for completing me. I never dreamed I could love him even more then I already did, but I do. He gave me this baby. It's our love and determination that created her and I can't wait to see him hold her for the first time. I think it will be a moment I will never forget. The two greatest loves in my life, holding each other.

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