Friday, June 10, 2005

Questions and Answers

I need to address the comments that were left while I was on vacation.

Simone asked:

I'm curious to know is the hurt of TTC failure is as raw now as before Magdelena? The fact that you have her, doesn't make it easier? Maybe harder?

The pain is the same and different. It's hard to dwell on the pain and anxiety and failure that every women TTC with problems faces since Magdalena is constantly running around and laughing and playing. She really makes it easier because I actually have a baby and I will always have her. She brings me up when I am down. But she makes it harder. Since I now know what it is like to have that tiny baby kicking inside of me, I know what I am missing. And I desperately want to give her a playmate, someone to laugh and play with. I want to give her a sibling so that they can be close and count on each other. Some day Erich and I will be gone and I want to provide a bigger family for Magdalena so she will still have someone "on her side." I sometimes feel very selfish for wanting another child knowing that I was very lucky to get one. Some infertile women or women who face fertility hurdles, aren't as lucky as me. I can only describe the pain as getting your ears pierced. When they pierced the first one, it hurt, but it didn't seem as bad really because you didn't know quite what to expect. But when the pierced the second one, it hurt much worse. You knew the poke was coming, you knew what to expect, and you already flinching in anticipation of the pain.

Tina made this comment:
"Maybe you need to stop trying. Sometimes from the sheer stress of the situation is enough to keep you from getting pregnant. I've heard of many couples who try for a year or two with no pregnancies and when they finally stop, BOOM they're pregnant."

I'm going to assume that Tina only meant the best by this comment. But any woman who has had trouble conceiving will tell Tina that that comment hurts a lot. That comment makes it seem as if there is actually nothing wrong with my body and that it is all in my head. By making that comment, you deny me the right to grieve that my body doesn't work like the population who "fall pregnant." To make you understand this I've come up with this completely extreme situation.

So let's say my friend Jane is in kidney failure. She was put on a list for a kidney transplant and every day she worries and frets. She wonders, will this be the day I get my kidney transplant? She tells me how sad she is that she hasn't gotten a kidney yet and how bad it hurts to know that her body has failed her. So I come in and (trying to be helpful) tell her that maybe she should just relax. I tell Jane, " you are stressing out about this kidney stuff to much! Just relax, sit back and enjoy life. I'm sure as soon as you stop worrying about a kidney transplant, BOOM that phone will ring! It happens every day. "

Now that example is pretty wild and out there and I hope that I can safely assume none of you would ever say that to someone in renal failure. But that is exactly how I feel when someone tells me to stop complaining.

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