Imposter

From Ovagirl:

"So this was me, mincing, up to Mary'?s place, to have a little chat and make a couple of requests. It couldn'?t hurt, I figured. I asked for me But I asked for all of you too. I asked for the women who know the fear, the loss, the hurt, the grief, the gut tearing anger, the tears. The women who write about their pain, and the women who read about it and who recognize their own story about infertility on the screen before them. We all tell the same story, again and again, in a multitude of variations. Like snowflakes. Like popcorn kernels. Like babies. Like us. I know logically there can'?t be happy endings for every single infertility story being told on the web. But I asked anyway. For all of us."


I often feel like an imposter in these rings of people who are dealing with same crap I'm dealing with. I may have had a drug cycle like IVF'ers, but I didn't do IVF. No egg retrieval, no transfers, just needles and loving. To be honest, sometimes the loving feels a bit routine and mandatory. After all someone told us to have "intercourse." But it isn't in a cold sterile room (though a change of scenery might have livened things up LOL). Anyway, what I'm saying is that they just pump me full of drugs and send me home to my husband.

So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. Friday they called to tell me they wanted me to take another dose of Antagon, FOUR vials of Repronex, and then on Saturday AM take 175 of Follistim and trigger Saturday evening. So essentially they gave me a giant booster of fertility drugs and then released! Actually they didn't come out until yesterday morning, and it woke me from a sound sleep. Oh the agony! I lay in bed imagining all those follicles rupturing and the little eggies traveling into my tubes being met up by the most handsome spermies they had ever seen! They danced, talked, and hopefully some of those spermies jumped right in if you know what I mean. And don't you worry, there were plenty of spermies and as long as they weren't all shy, we'll be successful. I told Erich that I'd hate for his boys to go all middle school dance on me. You know, a cafeteria with punch and balloons, his boys on one side of the room, my eggs on the other. There better have been dancing! Sheesh. :)

So now we wait. Each night I get out my crinone suppository and think, please God Please! I feel nothing. A bit of soreness but nothing terrible. I'm waiting. 8-10 days before they implant. 13 days until we find out. Please God please. If those kiddies danced, we'd have babies due just 3 days after Erich's birthday. 9 days before my birthday! Happy birthday us! Please God Please! Let me have my birthday early. I'll even make it up to you and not complain at the end. You can even make me way overdue so I'll be pregnant on my birthday. Please. I'm begging!

If the test comes back positive, I have a plan to tell Erich. I want to make it special. I'm so excited. I sit on my hands right now, willing myself to not start on that project. I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to be to hopeful. I don't want to not have hope though, that would be no good. I'm neutral. I'm ready. I'm praying. Wishing, hoping, thinking, praying. I'm not going to take tests this time. Maybe I'm supposed to learn patience. Maybe this is my lesson to learn. It didn't happen for a reason last month. This is my month. That is what I keep chanting. **whispers** This.Is.My.Month. Please God Please.

Ouch

Well this morning was the last u/s of this cycle! yay! It was a very very good u/s at that. There are three follicles in the right and seven in the left for a total of NINE follicles! Wow. We trigger tomorrow and by Monday there should be SEVEN follicles mature enough for fertilization. So we achieved Dr. H's request of 5 or 6 follicles.

My stomach looks awful. It's littered with little bruises but the big thing is that I'm having some sort of skin reaction to the injections of Repronex. From one side of my tummy to the other is one giant hive that is raised, red, hurts, and itches. I was told that this was somewhat common with Repronex but the website says 5 in 100. I've been slathering on hydrocortisone cream like it's going out of style. The funny thing is that the hive doesn't appear until the next morning (I take the Repronex at night). So I have two different injection sites that have meshed into one and another one that should pop up in the morning. I just got back from the drugstore with some oral Benadryl. I'm going to start popping those. My tummy hurts so bad! I can't even do the dishes because I can't stand to get up next to the darn sink!

In really great news, my body is giving me all the signs that it is ready for a baby. It probably shouldn't surprise me that these signs are very strong and abundant considering my ovaries are very very full.

And someone asked what ovary pain felt like. I feel pressure, twisting, throbbing, and stabbing pains. It's uncomfortable, but I know things are going well. It hurts if pressure is placed on my tummy (from the allergic reaction and the ovaries). It also really hurts if my bladder gets to full kinda like when you are really really pregnant.

So, we'll trigger tomorrow. Should ovulate Monday morning(ish). I'll start progesterone support on Monday evening and Monday October 17 I'll go in for a pregnancy test. So we are in the final stretch! Please be thinking sticky egg vibes this weekend and next week. I'm hopeful and excited and ready!

Cycle Day 10

I'm okay. I kind of vanished for a bit there and I apologize. Life has been super busy. Saturday I had an ultrasound and blood draw. All looks well, and at that point my left ovary looked a bit sluggish, but was responding. My estradiol level came back at 97 (we're aiming for 100) and so my meds were increased from 150iu to 200iu. My estradiol should be doubling every 2 days at this point so on Monday I went back for another ultrasound. Both right and left ovaries have "a bunch" (nurses words not mine) of follicles all measuring at about 9mm in size. Right where they should be at this point. My left ovary seems to have pulled ahead and is looking a bit better than the right side, though they both ache all day long. My estradiol level came back at a whopping 245! So, I was told to take 200iu yesterday and 175iu today. Tomorrow AM I go back in for another blood draw and u/s. Hopefully this time both ovaries will be on track and we'll get a better count. We weren't really able to count last time because my bladder was full, though I didn't feel like I had to go to the potty until that dang u/s wand was um, you know, put into position. So alls well right now. I have all of my drugs. Erich asked me if I was planning on opening a pharmacy on our front porch. heh.

The Man With A Plan

Yesterday morning I went in for my (obviously negative) beta HCG blood draw. I was informed that I needed to make an appointment with Dr. H and I would have to wait a cycle before starting drugs again. Almost in tears, I approached the counter, paid my balance, and asked to make an appt. She asked me how soon I wanted it and I asked for this week, because I knew I'd forget all the questions mulling around in my head if I waited to long. She said she had an appt that afternoon at 2:15 and I jumped on it. :)

So Magdalena and I went and found Daddy who had a service call early that morning. We went to a couple of computer stores and then went to Chilis for lunch. After that Daddy had to head to work and Magdalena and I went to Wild Oats for some Bac Out and then to Target. At about 1:30 we headed back towards the doctors office arriving there around 2pm. Magdalena was asleep and I somehow managed to carry her in to the office without waking her up.

We waited, waited, and waited some more. Around 3:15 they called me back and I chatted with the nurses. At about 3:30, Dr. H came in. He apologized over and over about leaving me waiting so long with an almost 2 year old. And then he apologized for not getting the results we wanted. He said he was sorry it didn't work. I pointed out that it did work (I made eggs) but we didn't achieve the wanted outcome. :) He said I should be the doctor, that sounds exactly what a doctor would say.

We talked about how my left ovary stopped responding and he agreed that it was probably "resting" since last month it was the over achiever. We talked about an IUI and how Erich really doesn't want to do that and Dr. H made it clear that he didn't think an IUI would make the difference for us. And then he laid out the plan...

The plan is to start out on Follistim at 150units. (Last month we started at 125units.) Towards the middle of my cycle he will give me a drug called Antagon which will essentially shut down my pituitary gland so that it won't send out the surge and make me ovulate. Since he is shutting down my pituitary gland he has to add in another fertility drug called Repronex. When he gets the desired amount of follicles at the desired size he'll trigger with Novarel (HCG). Three days after ovulation I'll be put on progesterone support since my pituatary gland may need a bit of help after the Antagon. The progesterone they will put me on is Crinone.

After the plan was laid, I asked if he really wanted me to wait a month. I really wanted to keep going and he agreed that I could as long as I didn't have any big cysts or such from the drugs last cycle. So he sent me in and did my baseline u/s immediately and all is well in my ovaries. And so we were given the thumbs up to keep going. :)

So there you have it. :) Injections start today. I'm 99% positive that I'm going to be hurting when I get done with this cycle. That is a lot of injections, sometimes 3 a day plus every other day blood draws. Not to mention the butt shot and all the vaginal u/s. Of course all of that sex will wear me out too. ;) But hopefully in 14 days (or so) I'll be incubating a tiny embryo, and hopefully in 28 days, I'll be puking and not bleeding and otherwise blissfully pregnant. So start contorting your bodies and crossing things and sending me some baby vibes. And you ladies are the best in case you didn't already know it. Thank you for following my journey and being anxious and hopefuly with me, it means the world to me and helps SO much.

June Baby Anyone?

Well, we're moving on. Started bleeding this morning. I'm sure we'll be starting the next round of drugs in a couple of days. Thanks for the well wishes.

No News and Some News

Okay, well I was saying before that if I make it to Friday without bleeding then I'd be home free. See this is two weeks from my trigger, and last month I started bleeding two weeks from trigger (12dpo). So it's Friday and I'm not bleeding.

Monday I decided that I'd get a three pack of tests and amuse myself (and occupy) by taking a test on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I figured, if they came back positive then I could hold out hope, right? Well, Monday evenings test was a big fat negative. So I just shrugged it off. Wednesday test was a faint positive. Faint is the key word here. I said it was the trigger shot (while my friend Krista started getting a wee bit excited). So I couldn't wait until Friday and Thursdays test was another faint positive. Krista said if it were trigger than the line should disappear, right? I said if it were a pregnancy, it would get darker right? She said that didn't happen with the pregnancy she is currently in.

So that brings us to today. I'm not bleeding, I don't feel like I'm going to bleed. I'm 12 dpo, early. I just took an eqate test with the plus minus thing and there is a faint vertical line in the pregnancy part. It didn't really show up until minute 8, but anything within the 10 minute window is still valid, so I've read. And it's very very faint. But I've been told over and over and over again "a line is a line is a line is a line..." **sigh** I have enough tests to get me through Monday (my blood draw day) and to Wednesday (which would be a second blood draw if Mondays is positive.) This line could STILL BE FROM THE TRIGGER SHOT. So wait with me a few more days ladies. Things look hopeful, but I dont' want to get to hopeful, yk? Keep everything crossed. I'll see you on the other side (Monday afternoon). And I'll leave you with a visual of my kitchen window... (they are in the kitchen window because that is where the best light is **wink**)

Where Am I?

Probably in front of the TV eating. I have this hunger that can not be satisfied. It's starting to get annoying. And if you are wondering the kinds of things I've eaten today? I made beef stew and cream cheese muffins. If you knew me, you'd know that I'm really not one for beef stew. In fact, my mom asked me why I was making beef stew since I don't like it. **shrugs** It sounded good. And it was okay. And the muffins were okay too. The cantaloupe was great but the salsa con queso was a bit salty. I'm already a big girl so all of this eating probably isn't helping. I had fully intended to walk to the PO today (yk, to off set the eating) but it was 95 degrees today. No sir, I won't walk in that heat. So either I'm getting ready for AF, or there is a baby who is jumping on the eating bandwagon.

And unlike last month where I had a definite feeling that things didn't work, I'm lost this month. Some moments I think "nah" and other moments I feel "maybe?" Is it Friday yet?

Popping In

I just wanted to say that on Friday we got some really good news. :) My right ovary, the overachiever that it is, produced three GORGEOUS follicles. They are 19mm, 20.5mm, and 25mm in size respectively.

After talking to my cousin who has the triplets, her follicles were 17mm, 18mm, and 19mm. :) So I'm feeling good about my GIANT follicles. I hurt a lot though, well I did. The pain has eased. I most likely ovulated around 7am this morning.

We triggered on Friday evening. My cousin, L, gave me the shot. This time it didn't hurt so much during the shot, but the next day and even this morning I am SORE! My arms look awful as I think my veins blew on the draws on both Wednesday and Friday. People give me weird looks and I want to say, hey if you think the bruises on my arms are bad, you should see my stomach!

We were told to have "relation" on Saturday and Sunday. I'm hoping that those swimmers don't hesitate to stop for directions. Though, with those GIANT follicles, they won't be missed! They are standing there saying "get me! get me!" LOL And let me tell you, it's weird to be told to have relations with your husband. Really, it is.

So that is the update. On Sept 19th I go for a beta HCG draw. So all of you fertile myrtles, send me some sticky egg vibes! And some baby dust! Oh, and PRAY that those swimmers are man enough to stop for directions and find their way to my GIANT eggs!!!

Random Stuff

The appointment went well yesterday. I'm not going to go into the details, but there are follicles and my estradiol more than doubled again. It was 277 on Monday, and yesterday it was 625. They did increase my meds again. I hope I trigger on Friday, because if not I'll have to buy more meds. Ugh.

In really great news (and bad too) my ovaries really really really hurt. They feel large like golf balls and they are constantly achy. They are heavy and hurt when stepped on by toddlers. My stomach is also getting bruised and battered and my arms look like an IV drug users from the four pokes I've gotten on each doctor visit.

In other news, I've decided that I need to stop sitting in front of the computer so much. I have so much stuff that has to get done like correspondence, reading, some writing, knitting, canning (still), and baking. Not to mention that my house has been slipping because I'm so tired lately. I'm not sure why I'm so tired, maybe my body working to hard to make eggs? Who knows, but if I cut back my computer time, I'll get the other stuff done. In fact this morning, I've gotten the laundry going, vacuumed the carpet in the LR, playroom, and entrance. I've pulled off the cushions on the couch and chairs and vacuumed up stray cheerios. I made Magdalenas breakfast and cleaned the DR table off. I sprayed out poopy diapers and set some in the sun to bleach stains. I've been very productive. So my plan is to get up, check my forum, read email and blogs and then shut the computer off until I've completed a bulk of my tasks. Then I'll check stuff again, and turn it off to do the rest of my tasks. And right before bed, I'll check blogs and email again. Sounds like a plan, huh? Now if I can stick to it.

Also, I've taken over Hip Attachment for Lili. If you haven't been over in a while, go and post! If you aren't registered, well what are you waiting for?

Smells Like Teen Spirit

It's raining here. Katrina is well traveled. The winds are picking up and we are about to catch the worst of her, or what is left of the worst. I love the rain, I hate the devastation it has caused, but ah, the rain. It's going to be glorious to cuddle up in bed with my husband and daughter tonight while the rain pitter patters against the window panes. The great part is that the rain smells like fall. There is a very distinctive smell of summer rain and of fall rain, and this definitely smells like fall. I'm so excited for fall. The beautiful leaves and the cool evenings... **sigh**

Another u/s first thing in the morning. We are getting really close to trigger. My ovaries ache, my head has been pounding since last Wednesday and I'm just ready to have a little baby growing inside of me. Seven, at least one has to stick, right?

A Meme

3 things I bet aren’t in/on your


Fridge:

1) tylenol suppositories
2) a bunch of fertility drugs
3) a convection oven (on top of my fridge)

Desk:
1) a payoff notice for our car loan (we just refinanced)
2) a four keyboards
3) a bunch of syringes

Car:

1) syringe and needle (these treatments seem to be scattered across my life huh?)
2) cheerios (all over the floor)
3) knitting bag full of yarn and projects

Early Response

Okay, so I've been going along and giving myself injections every day. I'm taking 125 units every night. Saturday morning I went to have an u/s and bloodwork. We saw several follicles and my estradiol level was 135. (They like your estradiol to be around 100.) So alls well.

Today I went back for another u/s and bloodwork. (I'll be going every other day until trigger.) We saw big fat follicles! I'm not going to spit the number out, but I'm going to make you work for it. I'm going to ask you a question and the answer is the number of follicles. Ready?

How many dwarfs were in Snow White?

I'll wait for you to get up off the floor when you figure out the number! :) My estradiol level is 277 today! (They want it to double every two days!) All follicles are between 12mm and 14mm in size. They want the follicles to be 18mm in size to trigger. So they are stepping up my meds to 150 tonight and tomorrow. Wednesday is another u/s and we may trigger sometime between Wednesday and Friday! :)

So, I'm going to need all the baby dust, sticky egg, healthy sperm, stars in the right line VIBEs you can send me! So excited!

**yawn**

I'm tired. I'm usually not tired anymore during the day. Yesterday I took a nap with Magdalena. I've even been laying her down early because I am so tired. It sucks to take these naps though, because that is when I have peace and quiet and time to sit and knit and just be by myself. With Erich gone a lot, I need those two or three hours to just regain myself. ugh.

Pokey the Pincushion

You guys seem to like it when I talk about my treatment rather than my boring chit chat. :) No worries, I know I'm boring. **wink** And truthfully the most exciting thing happening right now is my infertility treatment. Anywho.

Last Thursday, I had my drug conference. We went over how to give the shots and such. I found out that we aren't going to do Repronex (cheap injectibles) like we had previously thought. We are moving straight to the expensive stuff, Follistim AQ. From what I gather from Dr. Google, Repronex was a drug that imitates follicle stimulating hormone. (the hormone that "grows" follicles) The drug that I am taking, Follistim, is actually follicle stimulating hormone. Everyone with me here?

So anyway, after lots of drama talking to my insurance company and getting connected to the people who need to send me the drugs and reminding them that they are paying for them all, I got somone to agree to send it to me by Tuesday (yesterday.)

So last Thursday, we did my baseline u/s. My ovaries look normal, I definitely released the last eggs. In each ovary there were four (or so) tiny follicles. No cysts, so we are free to move on.

So yesterday I started poking myself. It really isn't that bad though. I managed to put it in a place that was numb (from my csection) and everything was dandy. Today it felt like a pinch, but I have a bruise now too so I think I may need to switch to the other side. That sucks, because the other side isn't quite so numb. My cousin (the one with triplets) called me a chicken. Heh.

So I'm feeling good right now. Glad to be moving forward, and I feel confident and calm about this cycle. I can't predict what will happen. All I can do is hope and pray and take care of myself and trust that Something Good Will Happen. Let's all keep chanting "Augusts pain brings Mays babies..." (And yes, I said babies. What's your point? Darnit if I have to poke myself every day for 9-12 days and then have another big shot and several vaginal u/s I better get 2 for the price of one! heh. )

On Saturday, I have a vag u/s and bloodwork. At that point they may or may not adjust my meds. I go back again on Monday for the same thing. We are looking at a tentative trigger date of next Wednesday, but that is highly subjective.

I'm off to bed. And feel free to ask me questions if I left something out that you really want to know. ;)

I am too Intellectual! :)

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Your personality type is SLOAN

You are moderately social, moderately moody, moderately organized, accommodating, and non-intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Charlotte, Harrisburg, Cleveland, Memphis, Cincinnati, Kansas City, Dallas/Ft. Worth, Richmond, Philadelphia Area, Greenville/Spartanburg, Reno, Indianapolis and these international countries/regions Luxembourg, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Turkey, Taiwan, Iceland, Hong Kong, South Korea, Portugal, Philippines, India, Guam, Canada, England, Indonesia, Japan

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Flickr...

I'm posting photos in batches over at Flickr. You have to be a friend to view my photos, so if you want to see them then leave a comment with your user name and I'll add you as a contact. I hope you all understand why we're doing this. With all of the talk about people ripping off photos and using them for gross purposes, Erich and I feel a bit safer behind closed doors so to speak. And it won't be a problem as long as I know you. :) If you are a lurker, please leave a bit about yourself or direct me to your blog.

There will still be the occasional photo here, but the bulk will be at Flickr. I know you can't get enough of my gorgeous daughter. Flickr accounts are free, so go on now, go sign up. **wink**

Harvest

I'll be canning for the next few days. Look for me then. :)

Party Pooper

I'm around, but feeling a bit sorry for myself these days. It seems everywhere I turn around online someone is pregnant or just had a baby. And so consequently I'm feeling all whiney and bitchy and generally not happy about the situation I'm in. I know that nobody enjoys being infertile, but seriously, this bites the big one. Man I hope this next cycle works.

You would not believe how incredibly excited I am about this movie coming out! It is absolutely my favorite musical of all time! Have I ever told you guys that I was a vocal performance/music education major? Well, I was. :)

Yay!

Isn't this exciting?

And it's so close to me! You can bet your bottom dollar that when I have another baby (or two!) I'll be out there donating all my oversupply. I totally qualify to (except for not birthing in the past 12 months.) But seriously, I'll be a frequent visitor. ;)

HSG was very very very painful. Ouch. Oh. Ouch. But I saw my ovaries and my tubes and they are hanging out in there going "hello! We are perfect and waiting for a baby! Send something my way!" Ms. Uterus is very angry with me right now saying things like "how dare you send such vile stuff up here in my beautiful home. Now I must clean with a vengence!"

Dr. declared my uterus perfect and normal. Woot. :) SO the plan... that's what you're all waiting for right? :)

Thursday I go in for a drug conference. They teach me how to inject drugs into my flabby (yet partially numb) tummy. (I had a csection and yes part of my nerves never really got the hint to start working again.) They'll give me all the stuff to order my meds. Once the meds arrive I can stop the birth control and five days later start the injections. No waiting to bleed! yay! In a perfect world, I can stop the pills in anticipation of the day the send the drugs and start the next day. ;) This is all dependent on Erichs erm sample coming back A. OK. But I'm not really worried about that. :)