Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Here there and everywhere

I'm around. I know I've been quiet. Some things are brewing around in my brain and I don't know how to pour them out on paper to be quite honest (or the web.) My birthday is coming up. I'm feeling a bit slighted. Mainly because everyone in RL seems to be overlooking my birthday. I realize that your birthday isn't as much excitement as when you turn five, but I'm feeling neglected. These feelings may be totally in my head and not a reality, but this is how I feel. I feel like I am taken for granted, that nobody really cares. Everyone expects me to something or be something or give something, without ever being acknowledged or thanked. I'm made to feel that I do nothing all day long, that my house is a wreck, that I'm not doing a good job when "all I do is stay home." I would like to point out that Magdalena is growing and happy and loving towards others and always giving us something new. I would like to think that I am a major part of that. Nobody else sees it that way though. She was born to be "sweet and easy to get along with" or "sweet wholesome and virtuous" (Alicia does this sound familiar?) and I have *nothing* to do with those qualities since I do not possess these qualities in others eyes. I would like to think that if it were not for my loving care, my always being here, my "staying home and doing nothing", my giving, giving, giving, to Magdalena then she wouldn't be like this. I think she would be screaming constantly and always in a bad mood. But then again I am wrong. I am never right. This bothers me a lot. I don't know how to make people stop, and when I do I'm just being "stupid, overly sensitive, and wanting the spotlight." Which is not the case at all I tell you. I just want people to stop making me feel this way. It doesn't feel good. And I don't know how to tell them that.

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