Friday, August 13, 2004

Breastfeeding Terms

(From an email I received today.)

Definitions of breastfeeding terms:

Boob Lift - The unconscious lifting of one's breasts to check which isfuller. May be done at any time regardless of where you are or whomyou're talking to, grocery sackers and priests/rabbis notwithstanding.

Nursing Flip - The action of adjusting you and your baby to make readyfor nursing. This means moving your tee-shirt off your butt, doing the"boob-lift", putting the baby in the crook of your arm and unlatchingyour bra, all in about 15 seconds, with no attention taken away from yourprevious task.

Wet-Nurse Syndrome - The unconscious urge to nurse any fussy baby youhappen to be holding; you may be engaged in casual conversation whileholding your neighbor's baby, she fusses and you do the "nursing flip,"your neighbor looks at you shocked, "oh my, she must be hungry," youmumble as you pass her infant back. *A side-effect of this is the"breastmilk fixes everything" philosophy. Actually pumping your milk forthe stray kitten you found, under the rational that, of course, humanmilk is better than cow milk for a starving kitten. You may also findyourself using breastmilk for your family's various wounds: "Got a sore, earacheor zit? Put some breastmilk on it, that'll fix it.'' (least that's whatthey say, can't hurt)

Boobie Wrangling - The acrobatics your toddler does while nursing,including but not limited to flips, headstands, & taffy pulls, all whilesurrounded by relatives who believe that should have been weaned monthsago. The benefit of this exercise is that you can now nurse your childwhile each of you lie on your backs.

Twiddling - What happens if everyone fails to mention that your babycaressing your other breast while nursing is NOT sweet. Never, neverletyour baby know that you can possibly have two breasts at the same time.Always keep the unused breast covered, lest you want your littlenurslingto use it as her favorite toy. This becomes a habit quick, heed ourwarning.

The Steal - The act of removing your nipple from your already sleepingbaby's mouth so that you may roll over or sneak out of bed for somemidnight internet use. Typically takes 2 or 3 tries to succeed.

Just a Sip - When your now-walking baby comes to you, lifts your shirt,grabs a drink to refuel him/herself for 10 more minutes of play. Thisactof helping themselves is a show of independence for them, and a show ofbreast for everyone else in the room.

Car Surfing - What you are doing when you strategically hover yourbreastover the baby's car seat while daddy drives down the interstate,ignoringyour butt in the rearview mirror.

Ecstasy Eyes - Picture this: baby is screaming at your feet while youaretalking on the phone, cooking dinner, and getting a band-aid for yourtoddler. You finally sit and pick up the baby to nurse, and she goesfromscreaming wildly to rolling her eyes to the back of her head in ecstasyinonly a few seconds.

Kneading - The act of dang near maiming your breast tissue while youradorable (and sharp nailed) little one nurses. This can result in yourbreast looking like you've just nursed a kitten.

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