I Still Miss Him

Yesterday marked the day that my dad died 14 years ago. At this point, he's been gone longer than he was with me. I'm told I look a lot like my father, and pictures of us as younger children make us seem identical. So naturally I see him in Magdalena. He would have made a phenomenal grandfather had he been given the chance. It's really hard to cope with the fact that I still miss him *so* much.

Near the end of my pregnancy with Magdalena, I had a dream that my father came to the hospital. In the dream, my family was all around us in the hospital room and there was a knock on the door. It was my father and he just walked in like it was so normal that he would appear for the event. It didn't really cause an uproar and people didn't seem amazed that he was there. It was all very ordinary, you know? Anyway, he came in and asked to hold the baby. I handed her to him and said "I'm so glad you came to meet her." He replied, "I wouldn't miss this for the world kid." It's a beautiful memory I have, and really I felt him with me the whole time I labored. Along with the reassuring hands of the nurses and Erich, I felt my dad right there with me, telling me it was going to be okay.

When I was wheeled into the OR for my csection, I was punched in the gut with this dread. It was a combination of knowing that I was going to be a mother very soon and I was having major surgery. As soon as they had me transferred onto the table though, I had this warm rush of reassuring love. I knew it was going to be okay. I knew that I was being taken care of and that I would make it through this. I was able to pull myself together and be able to calm Erich down. It was amazing, and I do believe it was my dad right there with me.

A couple of weeks ago I had another dream about my father. I've had it once or twice since then, but I can still vividly remember the dream. In it, my dad had come back to see us. My mom was here and the two of them were ducking behind corners and such "acting like teenagers", kissing, hugging, and giggling. Erich was at work and Magdalena was playing like she normally does. I was pregnant with this bambina.

The dream cuts to the bedroom, where I'm changing the sheets. My dad comes into help me and we have a conversation. I tell him I'm so happy that "they" allowed him to come back and see us and that he'll get to meet Erich and really get to know Magdalena. He tells me he is glad to be back and he looks forward to getting to know Erich and hanging out with Magdalena. I ask how long he'll be able to stay to which he replies, "I'll be here until the baby gets here and a little while after that. I'm really looking forward to playing with Magdalena a lot and helping you with the new one. I'm glad I get to be there for that." The dream ends when I tell him I love him so much and I've really missed him.

What Will You Be Doing...

four weeks from today 5/18/06? Do you know? I do. I'll be laying in a bed, with a tiny itty bitty baby at my breast. Isn't that crazy? Wasn't it just yesterday that we were oo'ing and ah'ing over a picture of a little sac? That's just crazy.

I love...

nursing my toddler girl. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to have that tiny itty bitty baby in my arms grunting cooing and rooting for some milk. And I loved when Magdalena was tiny and passed out in my lap after nursing. Erich and I always said she looked like a drunk frat boy after a really good keg.

But this nursing toddler stuff is awesome. Your baby crawling into your lap and smiling sweetly, telling she loves you and then demanding asking sweetly for "dis side pease Mommy!"

She tells me she loves to "durse" and that ones tastes like cheese and the other like apple juice. Apparently I'm a regular snack bar.

Honestly, I can't wait to hold both of my girls in my arms and nourish them. It's pretty mind boggling now in the late evenings, nursing my daughter. It's the realization that not only is my body growing a baby, but also still taking care of my first baby. It's hard to wrap my little tiny brain around, yk?

Video Cuteness

Visions of Nesting

I'm so sorry for my absence. Things have been crazy, to say the least, around here. I almost don't know where to start. But I guess I'll start where the absence began.

Soon after I posted pictures on Flickr of my belleh at 30 weeks, my laptop broke. Here are the pictures you missed:




Anyway, the laptop broke. Having a geeky computer repairman husband, I knew it wasn't my hard drive (THANK GOODNESS!). Turns out my fan died. The computer would start to boot then immediately shut itself off to protect from overheating. So a few phone calls later and the laptop sans hard drive was on it's way to Texas to get a new fan courtesy of Acer and my warranty. I talked them into letting me keep my hard drive so I could use Erichs enclosure to back up my stuff and be able to access, well, everything. Dude, I depend way to much on my laptop!

So it came back last week. It works well now too. :) But Erich was home on vacation and we were doing lots of stuff around the house and hanging out as a family. So my laptop time was still being robbed because Erich wins out over the Internet. We had so much fun with him home too. It was hard to see him leave us to go back to work today. :( Maybe someday he can have a job that pays well enough and work from home. That would be awesome.

He might have been a little bit glad to go back though cause I put him to work. Heh. For weeks now, I've had the urge to nest but never the energy required for the work that needed done. My list became increasingly longer as I thought about it too. The week before his vacation, Erich decided that we should have a garage sale. I protested a bit, because I knew how much work would be involved, but agreed. I slowly started going through drawers here and there and started a pile. However, while he was home I got the motivation to dig out the baby clothes and sort. Piles of clothes sorted into keep, sell, give away, donate, etc etc. (Don't worry if you have given me clothes in the past, I sorted them and sent them on to good homes. I did not sell them.) In fact I'm still kinda knee deep in the clothes, because I'm having trouble getting them put back. And all those itty bitty pink newborn gowns, man I'm getting excited!

So anyway, back to the subject. Since Erich was home I decided that he would be the perfect extra set of hands that I needed to get some of my list done! He had had to do some work before earlier in the day and was tired, but reluctantly agreed to help me sort through the linen closet. Our linen closet had turned into a dumping ground. You could no longer walk into it and you could barely get to the linens as they were all just dumped in the closet. So we started by emptying out the closet. We pulled EVERYTHING out of it and sorted into piles of sheets (twin, full, queen, blankets, etc) and then we went threw and folded and tossed and did lots of that stuff. The "keep" stuff went back into the closet in orderly piles on the shelf. All organized and neat looking, I was charged! I was ready to move on to the next closet, but Erich needed a nap. So while he napped I moved on to my closet which is supposed to be walk in, but at that point was anything but a walk in closet. I put away, sorted (just like baby clothes) and all kinds of good stuff and got rid of a BUNCH of stuff that no longer fits or I would never wear again. It was awesome. So at that point I moved on to yet another room. Heh. You see where this is going right?

At 10pm that night Erich asked me, "When are you going to start leaving things alone so we can go to BED!?" So I stopped, but man that felt good. The next day things were sent to their new homes, sold, or hauled to goodwill. Man, decluttering helps the soul. Seriously. And it's probably made better by the fact that I'm pregnant because that nagging voice in your head that says "maybe I'll need this/maybe I'll fit into this later/ I sorta like it though/ what if" and makes you keep stuff, is totally gone. That thought never crossed my mind, and I'm sure that's how the piles got so big.

So hard core nesting around here. And have you ever noticed how seeing how great things look makes you move on to the next room? I found awesome stuff too! And my next big room to tackle is reorganizing the play room!

Moving on, Magdalena is such a little opinionated girl now. It's weird how she's this totally unique person, you know? Yesterday as I was drying her off and putting lotion on her I exclaimed "I'm going to eat your toes!" and she screamed in horror "NO! NO EAT MY TOES " Poor girl, thought I was going to actually eat her toes. I couldn't help but laugh, it was to funny. The things she says makes both Erich and myself burst into fits of laughter sometimes. The way she discovers things is awesome. Like today, she came to me, grabbed my hand and said "cmere!" She took me over to a corner of the house where the sun was shining and her shadow was revealed and asked "wht's dat? Wht's dat Mommy?" It's so cool to watch her discover her world.

She also loves birds. She picked up a yard ornament of a bird the other day and started making it "fly" around in the yard. She kept singing "fly birdie fly!"

We have a new family of birds that have taken up residence on a high ledge on our porch. They are pretty quiet and don't leave messes so I left them alone. After watching for a while I realized that they must have little baby birds in the nest, which surprised me since it's so quiet out there. The Mama Bird flys in frequently during the day bringing lots of worms with her. Magdalena loves to watch her fly in and out from our living room window. The Daddy Bird comes by frequently too. I climbed up on a chair and took a picture of the nest with my phone while they were out today.



Aren't they adorable? Anyway, this has gotten long enough. Next up, more talk about baby and a new belly picture!

She Lives!

Hey, I just wanted to drop in to tell you that my laptop broke earlier this month. So that is why I've been MIA. Any computer time I've had has been brief and spent trying to keep up on the most important blog posts and email. My bloglines subscription has over 50 new feeds. It's ridiculous.

We're still here. I'm still pregnant. Bambina is doing well as is Magdalena. I'll be back with a real update really soon. My laptop just came back yesterday and Erich is on vacation right now, so computer time is still a bit lacking right now.

I've Been Hit With the Stupid Stick

That's right, the stupid stick. And in the words of Ron White, "you can't fix stupid." I'm forgetting everything. That sounds like an exaggeration, but really it's not. For instance, I sat down to check email and blogs. I saw Anathea had updated, so I headed over there to check on her and thought of something I should do online or something, and then not 30 seconds later (as long as it took for her page to load) I'd forgotten what it was. I can't for the love of Pete remember what it was.

This kind of thing happens ALL DAY LONG. It's ridiculous. It probably doesn't help that I was up until 2am this morning. I was helping Erich finish up some work for an appointment this morning. And being the loving generous wife that I am, I sent him to bed at 11:30pm and I stayed up finishing stuff. I know he is appreciative, and I know that I would have stayed up with him if I hadn't done his stuff, but I still feel like crap. And apparently I'm cranky to according to my dearest Husband. I wonder why?

And while I'm complaining (heh) why is that every morning when Magdalena wakes up she wants to use the pillow THAT I HAVE MY HEAD ON! Gah! Honestly folks, I love co-sleeping. I can't bear the thought of her sleeping in the other room. But the stealing my pillow in the morning, messing with my face, and generally poking and kicking me in the morning DRIVES ME BATTY. And in all honesty, it probably sours my already bad mood since I am so NOT the morning person.

Complaining over. Magdalena is literally running around in circles in the living room. She got her dose of Elmo this morning and now she's listening to the Dora CD running around in circles. She loves to sing and sings "baaapack! baaapack!" along with the song when it plays, though she has never actually watched an episode of Dora. She can also sing the "elmo song" It's to cute. The other day in the OB exam room she started singing "la la la la la la la la Belbos wurrl" I started singing it with her very quietly "elmo loves his goldfish, his crayons..." and she chimes in at the top of her lungs "TOO! DAT'S BELBO'S WURRLLLLLLLLLLL!" I was laughing so hard. This walls are thin, so thin I can hear the woosh of babies heartbeats, the running of water, the clanking of speculums, so I *know* that every woman in there (possibly in stirups) heard her singing. I'm sure you would all enjoy that while people were poking your girly bits, right?

My blood sugars have been good to. I definitely do NOT have gestational diabetes. If anything I'm running to low during parts of the day. So I'll be glad to be done with this on Sunday. :) Little Bambina is so active these days. I wish I could somehow capture that feeling for you guys and to keep for myself honestly. She can actually move things off my belly and if you watch for a few minutes you can definitely see my belly moving almost constantly. Last night her and I played a little game. She would stretch her foot out, I would push on it and she would pull it back. Then she'd stretch it back out again. We did this for at least a minute. It was pretty cool. :) She must have been thinking "hey I was here first!"

I'm hoping to update the craft blog towards the end of the day. So look for that. ;)

Moving Along

We're taking it one day at a time here. Magdalena seems to get busier and busier by the day. Cuter too, but definitely busy. And with each passing day, I seem to get a bit slower and more tired. 11 weeks left and it seems right around the corner, and very far away at the same time.

Magdalena and I talk about the baby's arrival a lot. We talk about how the baby will "durse" and Magdalena can still durse to. She generally agrees with me, but sometimes I think she just agrees with me so I'll shut up, LOL. She's like her father like that. ;)

I had my OB appointment on Tuesday. It was a good appointment. I politely refused her glucose tolerance test. It made me so sick last time and I really couldn't see myself going through that hell again. So, she agreed to let me just check my blood sugars for a week. I think that is a nice compromise if I do say so myself. :) We also bickered a bit about prophylactic antibiotics after surgery. So, we made another compromise. I will be receiving some antibiotics after surgery, but I won't get their usual amounts. I'm happy with that. I'll start tanking up on probiotics before surgery.

I was also told that if I go into labor after 35 weeks she won't stop me. That's really cool, because my old OB (who moved out of state after M was born) would have stopped me all the way up until 37 weeks. I don't anticipate going into labor, but it's nice to know that I wouldn't be stopped if I did. We also decided that if I do go into labor before my scheduled section, we'll play it by ear. If I come in, with no obvious progress, then I'm game for a section. If I come in dilated to 6 with bulging waters/broken waters, and it appears she's coming, well we'll go for it. So if I do go into labor early, I'll be staying home to see if it happens. Heh.

Blood pressure was great, I haven't gained any weight, just stayed the same as 5 weeks ago. I'm measuring between 29 and 30, so about 2 weeks ahead. I've said it before, with Magdalena I measured ahead the entire time. My uterus is very accomodating complete with spacious rooms and high vaulted ceilings. ;)

We start two week appointments now! Wow! So next appointment is April 10. It's so weird because I know that there is a baby coming, right? But it's still hard for me to grasp that there is a baby coming. It's a very different feeling from when Magdalena was coming, where I knew there was this new baby coming, but I didn't comprehend it fully. This one feels more like a dream. I know what is headed for me, but I can't comprehend that we've created this other being who will be here very shortly.

I also can't imagine what she'll look like or how she'll behave. She already reacts to different voices. Squeals from her sister send my belly into fits. Sometimes I'm not sure if she's saying "hey I can't wait to come and meet you" or if she's thinking "HUSH! I'm trying to sleep!" I looked at Magdalena the other day and was thinking about how much she looks like me and acts like Erich. At that moment I was *positive* that bambina would look just like her Daddy. I wonder if she will. Will she look like Erich and act like me? (Good Lord I hope not. I'm enough to deal with. Heh.) Will she look just like her sister? I can't imagine another little girl as beautiful as Magdalena, but I know she will be equally as beautiful. I'm excited and terrified. I'm sad for Magdalena that I will no longer be able to devote 100% of my time to her, but I'm elated that she will have a baby sister so close in age. I'll miss having Magdalena all to myself to, you know? But I'm thrilled to be a mother again. I know this is probably normal, but I still think about it. Things will never be the same, you know? It's funny because right before Magdalena was born, I had this same panic sort of feeling. I knew things would never be the same and I had to mourn the passing of an era of just Erich and myself. This is the same thing. It won't ever shadow the ultimate joy I have in my heart at the thought of adding to my family, but I would be lying if I didn't think about the passing of this era also. Am I only the one who feels like this?

I Forget Everything

I swear I do. Seriously folks, my memory is seriously getting bad lately. First off, Alisa is my new hero because she's so sweet!

Second, Allison, I have not received any emails from you. And if I did, they didn't register (see above about forgetting things) but I'm almost 100% positive that I've received nothing. I still have the same yahoo address. So try again! :)

There She Grows Again...

Alternative post titles include "oh my goodness you mean she has 12 weeks left!" or "She's Simply Huge"

Here she is ladies. Bambina in Utero gestated 26w2d (when the picture was taken)



You'll notice that you can still see my belly button ring. And let's do a quick cross reference shall we. Take notice of my "generous" shape with bambina and then go over here and see my belly with Magdalena 4 days before she was born. Is it just me or do they look awfully similar in size? I think a lot of it has to be that I feel like Bambina is more of a round basketball shape compared to her sister, who took more of an up and down oval like shape, you know? Oh well, they still seem to be about the same size, so I'm postive that the shape of me is not indicative of the size of her.

Bottles Vs. Breast Milk

I truly awesome read from a male perspective.

http://blogs.savingadvice.com/wixx/2006/03/16/bottles-vs-breat-milkno-contest_6443/

I'll be back later with a post (and a picture!)

Alive

I'm around. I'm alive. I'm okay. I promise. I'm just soooo tired!

Belly Shots

I know you all are just dying to know what I look like these days, right?

I love you all!

It's amazing you, my readers but actually my friends, are so important to me and my well being. I haven't met most of you, but feel so connected to you as we share the intimate details of our lives. And I just wanted to say, thanks. Thanks for sharing, listening, and for your input. I think we sometimes forget that we are dealing over the internet and not in a close knit group of friends, because at times that is how it feels. All of us chatting over our coffee or tea, nibbling on a cookie, and tuning into our friends. And you know it sucks when we get hurt in the process, but that is the nature of dealing with people IRL or online.

Over the last few days I've had the special treating of chatting via instant message systems and of speaking on the phone with Imacmom and Jane. And wow, wonderful ladies, who make my heart and soul sing with happiness, cause I'm so excited to "know" these wonderful people. It's times like these when I feel life is just about as good as it gets.

So thank you all. And spread the love, please.

If there is someone on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Gracy Dog

Gracy Dog
Originally uploaded by Mommy2StaufferBabies.

Gracy is gone. She got out of the gate last night and hasn't been back since. I left food out for her and looked on foot this morning, but couldn't find her. To say I'm sad is an understatement. I just want her to come back.

She was a gift from my Dad before he died, and it feels wrong to just have her gone so sudden. No chance to say goodbye, no chance to tell her I love her. Please pray that she comes home today. It's cold outside.

More Ultrasound Details

Little baby girl was very willing to show us who she was yesterday! She weighed in at around 6.5 ounces and measures perfectly for dates. She has a super long femur bone that measures way ahead of the rest of her body, just like her sister did. Having a Daddy who is 6'4" probably affects that! She was very active, probably a result of the tall iced mocha decaf coffee that I drank before to get her going. She sucked her thumb, smiled at us and was throughly a happy baby to watch.

I found out that the placenta is anterior which is why I feel like her movements are a bit weird and why most of the movement is down low. That's a bit of bad news for Erich since it will be a while longer before he can feel her move.

And for a bit of comparison sake, at 19w2 Magdalena weighed in at 9 ounces and at 19w2 this baby girl weighed in at 6.5 ounces. As I told Imacmom, I apparently don't "grow 'em big!"

We'reHavingABaby!

It'sA......













GIRL!

She's Such A Big Girl

**sniff** Magdalena is growing up WAY to fast for my liking. She turned two on the 21st and was able to blow out her candle all by herself without any help. Oh, so bittersweet! So here are some highlights on the little girl.

• She loves loves loves Elmo aka Belbo and can spot him anywhere.
• She can walk up and down the stairs holding the rail.
• She uses forks and spoons like a pro. :)
• She is now really getting the hang of language and picks up at least 2 words a day.
• Erich and I really like to here her say "morning!" when we say good morning. It makes us both smile.
• She is having a bit of separation anxiety now that she has put the expanding belly and the talk of baby together in her mind.
• She still loves to nurse and asks quite often. A few days back I tried getting her to ask and say please. Now she comes up to me and says "durse, pease!" Melts my heart everytime.
  
• She can count to two.
• She gets the jokes on Sesame Street and on the tapes.
• She loves to hug and kiss and will actually let other kids hug her now.
• She's all girl. She squeals with delight, runs to her Daddy when he comes home, dances, sings and is 100% sugar and spice.
• She loves babies. And she mothers her dolls like a little Mommy should. I find her wiping bottoms and faces and hands and putting cloth diapers on the dolls. She's going to be a fabulous big sister when she figures out that the baby will demand our love and attention too. :)
• She still sleeps with us. Though she is now sleeping the entire night in the crib attached to our bed. My belly kinda pushed her away from snuggling up to me. Heh.
  
• She can put herself to sleep. So "neener neener neener!" to all the people who told me if I nursed her to sleep, she'd "never learn to do it on her own!"
• She loves the bathtub and she loves to sing "that's belbos world!" at the top of her lungs in the bathroom.
• The only thing she doesn't really like is being told "no" heh.
• Her last appointment she appeared perfect and came in at a petite 24# and 31.5" tall.
  
• She can pee on the potty when she is left naked. She still can't tell the difference between panties and diapers, but I never showed her to pee on the potty, so she'll get there eventually. With a new baby on the way, I'm not exactly holding my breath.
• She loves to eat. There isn't anything she'll turn away. She is not picky and happily tries new things. (**knocks loudly on wood**) When people ask me how I got her to "do that" I always tell them it's because I never pushed her to start solids and let her tell me, even if that meant exclusively breastfeeding her until she was 8 months old. :P
  

That's all I can think of right now, but believe me she gets cuter and smarter every single stinking day!

Tomorrow is the big U/S for Neo! Coincidentally, it falls on January 31st which was Magdalena's due date back in 2004!

The Start of An Update!

Long time no see, eh? Well, life seems to just be flying by. Wasn't it just October? Hyperemsis has really gotten the best of me and since Christmas I've been hovering near bathrooms with little vials of pills that promise to take the sickness away. They don't really, but they do give me hours where I feel "normal" whatever that is.

The Wednesday before Christmas I started feel woozy, tossed my dinner, and thought nothing of it. Thursday I spent the day feeling as if I was going to die and how on earth do you take care of a toddler while feeling like this? Friday, I actually looked like death and decided that I better go to the doctor. I could barely pick Magdalena up, it was bad. Upon arrival, they discovered that not only had I lost weight (which I still am) but that my bloodpressure was 80/60 and my heartrate was 130. I was really dehydrated. They tried to find babys heartbeat, but couldn't distinguish whose heartbeat belonged to who. So Dr. B pulled out her portable ultrasound and within a minute we were looking a fully formed baby just hanging out. Baby appeared to be sleeping and when nudged, turned the other way! Ha! Just like his/her father! :)

I was given the Hyperemesis label and sent to the hospital to be rehydrated and receive some IV anti nausea drugs. My mom was called in to watch Magdalena and apparently M wore her out running all through the hospital.

Since then I've been hanging out trying to not puke every day and take care of Magdalena.

She turned 2 on Saturday! But I'll write about that next post.

Today I had an OB appointment. I've lost about 20 pounds so far into this pregnancy. I'm 18 weeks 2 days gestated. :) I'm measuring a little large at 21 centimeters, but I'll take that with a grain of salt considering Magdalena measured large the entire time and look how tiny she was! Dr. B said it was probably because of being a bit short and because this is my second pregnancy and your uterus tends to make the second one feel much more welcome. heh. She was finally able to catch bambino on the doppler and baby sounds good, kicking, and having a grand old time.

We talked about the fact that I've been much more worried about this baby then I was with Magdalena. For some reason I feel like I should be LESS worried since this is my second go around, but my anxiety is much worse. She said I didn't have to wait for my next appointment with her to get my ultrasound and that I could schedule it for next week. So next Tuesday, send us some legs wide open vibes! And um, I should figure out how to place some bets as it seems everyone is torn between boy and girl. I actually have no idea. Erich says girl (but honestly I think he is just preparing himself **wink**). My mom says boy, my MIL says boy, and a friend says girl. What do you think?

We also talked about the csection. We are not going to be trying labor this time for various reasons and since we aren't going to try, I'd like to avoid going into labor. She said she likes to section at 39 weeks, but that she'll do it at 38 weeks. I'd like to avoid being in the hospital on Erichs birthday so it looks like we may schedule the section the week of June 12, towards the end. That will make me 38 and change and I'm down with that. It's very odd to be scheduling someones birth by the way. But this is how it has to be. I'll talk more in detail about why we will be doing a repeat section in another post.

Anywho, we talked about the spinal and about giving her warning if I dry heave on the table (so she can be prepared to hold my guts in, heh) and I asked about nursing in recovery. Apparently now, as long as baby is okay, they ALWAYS bring baby in to nurse. Thank goodness! She knows I'm a major lactivist and I think she has a clue that we are still nursing, but I'm still dancing around that subject with her since I know her views on it. heh. She says that they don't push formula, and she thinks they push people who want to formula feed, to breastfeed. To which I say, GOOD FOR THEM! Heh. So yay, nursing in recovery (which is less than half an hour from birth, which is cool) Erich will again stay with baby the entire time and I'm finally starting to believe that there will be another baby here in *gasp* 20 weeks! Yikes!

Behind..

I'm currently still trying to figure out how to take care of a toddler and get the hang of this hyperemesis stuff. I'll be back in a few days with a giant update, promise.

In the meantime, how about a little Magdalena fun? She recently learned to put her finger to her mouth and say "shhh!!"

Today, she was reaching for something she is not supposed to have. I tell her "no Magdalena" and she comes over to me and says "shhhhh!" heh.

Her birthday is on Saturday!!!