Thursday, August 21, 2003

I'm truly missing my dad right now. Not sure what triggered it, but nonetheless, it's here. Sometimes my mom says things about my dad-- the way he was, what he would have said, something he once did. She has truly moved on, found a great man, and has all of these memories. Sometimes I feel like my memories are few and far between. Sometimes it feels like I imagined him. And here we are, Erich and I, bringing a baby into this world. Naming baby (if baby is boy) after this spectacular father that I have a vision of in my head, and baby will never know him. Never speak to him. It makes me sad. I'm passing one of those milestones that he should be here for. There is a list now. He should have taught me to drive, should have harassed my first date, should have seen me walk in graduation. He should have moved me to college the first time and pulled out naked baby pictures when Erich met him. He should have been there to shake Erichs hand and congratulate us when we got engaged and he should have walked me down the aisle. That is a big one. He should have walked me down the aisle. It should have been such a joyous and happy occasion yet it was bittersweet because he was not there. And in a little over 20 weeks, he should be there to hold his first grandbaby, but he won't be. I don't know who to be mad at, him or life.

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