18 months (almost)

We had our 18 month well check today. Everything is great. Magdalena weighs a whopping 21lbs and is 30.5 inches tall. She is a petite little thing but hanging on to her growth curves of 25th and 10th percentile. :)

He was very impressed with her words and her initiative on potty training. When he picked her up to take her to the other side of the room and watch her gait, she RAN back to me. He thought that was really funny. We are officially the longest breastfeeding couple in the history of his practice! That puts a gigantic smile on my face. :)

Let's see. She received two shots and I'm happy to say we are done until she goes to school! Yay!

Right now I'm working on dyeing some flat diapers. It's for my business. We are having our grand opening in August 2005! So head on over to our site and sign up for the yahoo mailing list! If you forgot where we are:

Cloth Beginnings

My life is just incredibly exciting right now, huh? On Monday, we go look deep inside my body and see if there is anything growing. :) Erich thinks that there is something in there this time. I'll tell you that Erich is a prophet. heh. When I was newly pregnant with Magdalena, but hadn't tested yet, he swore up and down that I was pregnant and I refused to even think that. People, this was a few days after ovulation. He just knew I was pregnant, and he was right. So hopefully he is right this time too. Of course, after he tells me he thinks there are eggs in there I follow up with a zillion questions like "do you really think so?" or his favorite "are you just saying that to make me happy/so I'll shut up?" Believe me, he loves it when I ask a million questions like that. :)

Anyway, send me juicy egg thoughts. :) Even if they aren't fully ripe and ready to trigger on Monday, I'm so totally cool with that. As long as there is at least one in there (and dare I hope for two?)

Slacker

I'm a slacker. That is all there is to it. My birthday was Monday. It was okay. Tuesday Magdalena and I left for Tennessee to help my Nana pack. We were there for four days and it was a very long four days! We both missed Erich terribly, but Magdalena missed him a lot more. She regularly walked up to doors and asked "Daddy?" or brought me the phone and said "Daddy?" She was so happy to see him!

My cycle started Wednesday while we were gone. I started the heavy duty clomid on Friday. Yesterday I started having some intense ovary pains. I'm still having some and I feel like I'm in a constant state of heat. I want to say that that is what it was like when I took the clomid that eventually led to Magdalenas conception. Not heat flashes, just a constant heat. I'm not sure, I should go look.

Erich woke up this morning complaining of a sore throat. He says it is because we have the a/c running in the bedroom with a fan blowing. Like I said, I'm hot. So tonight he says no fan. Damnit. How will I sleep? Probably not well.

Magdalena is kinda sorta potty training. At least every other time she announces "uh oh" if she peed. The other times, she tries to take her diaper off then sit somewhere and pee. I'm definitely not ready for this. She has a little baby bjorn potty now ( I wanted to just use the small seats on the toilet, but she is so itty bitty she needs an itty bitty potty). She's peed in it several times since yesterday. So we'll see where things go. I'm definitely not actively trying to potty train her. Erich and I are just letting her lead the way, yk?

An Update

I've really neglected telling ya'll whats been going on. I'm sorry. It's been a crazy, busy, rough couple of weeks to say the least. Anyway, here goes.

The Plan: When I saw the RE he thought that maybe the signal was getting crossed between my brain and my ovaries. He thought my brain simply was not triggering the eggs. So he said he'd be nice and we'd skip the semen analysis and the HCG since he knew we could get pregnant and the main problem is my ovaries. The plan was (and is) to do two rounds of clomid. The first at 100mg, if not pregnant up to 150mg. On Cd 12 we would do an u/s to see follicles then have a simple trigger shot. If after 150mg I'm not pregnant I have the choice to do another cycle of clomid or stop, get the SA and the HCG and then move on to injectable drugs.

The Outcome: I took my 100mg of clomid on CD 3-7. On CD 12 I went in for the u/s and we saw.... NOTHING. No follicles at all. It appears my ovaries tried to make eggs, but they failed. So we are moving on to more Clomid.

I've always talked about the first time I ever ovulated, I got pregnant. I (we) are now thinking that these past three cycles with clomid probably haven't made me ovulate, which would be why I didn't get pregnant. See the train of thought here?

So as soon as my period starts, we'll start 15omg of clomid daily and then go back for another u/s on CD12. So if you pray or whatever, please send us big fat follicle vibes. I feel pretty worthless right now and awful and sad and angry.

Oh, and Monday (July 4th) is my birthday.

New Blog

I started a craft blog! You can visit it here:

http://threadingtheneedle.blogspot.com/

It's A Small World

I have a lot to update you on. Magdalena had a very rough weekend. Today was better and I had a great appointment with the RE. I'm so excited. (And as of 11:24pm Tuesday, I do not know if I am pregnant or not, ok?) :)

But, I wanted to write this entry and tell you about this warm fuzzy feeling I am going to bed with tonight. I just read about how Mani enjoyed the memory I created for us. And I find it incredibly amazing that this woman and I have never met, yet we have walked the same paths here in Indiana. This weekend I went to my Moms house. She lives with her Husband near the reservoir where Mani grew up. I couldn't help but think about how Mani had most likely been there at one point in her life. Mani and I have never met, yet I know details of her life and she knows a great deal of my life. We share these great friends in the computer. We are all brought together by sharing the same beliefs.

When I think of all these great women whose blogs I read, who I chat with online, who I communicate with via forums, I'm overwhelmed at how lucky I am to be in any sort of contact with. And I can't help but giggle like a school girl when I realize how lucky I am to be loved by Mani. :) heh.

For Mani

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.

I like your strength.

02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.

I can't think of anything, but really I don't think I could think of anything for anyone. :)

03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.

I'd say 6 oclock or the time around a sunset.

04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.

Beautiful.

05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.

Since we haven't met, I'll create a memory.
Mani, do you remember that time that we took my Step Dads boat out on the Salamonie Reservoir? We spent the day soaking up the sun, swimming, and just talking about everything we could possibly think of. It was so great just to hang out and enjoy a hot humid Indiana day without a care in the world.

06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.

A lovable Puppy.

07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.

I've always wondered what it's like to be a Midwife Student, to live on the East Coast. I wonder how you made the transition from Indiana to the East Coast and what was it like?

08. Put this in your journal.

Infertility Beast

Manda enquired about my TTC journey. And well it's a little bit screwed up. See this cycle started on May 10. Remember? So, I thought I ovulated on schedule and should have started bleeding on Tuesday (the 7th). Well, I didn't and I wasted my husbands hard earned money on pregnancy tests that I always tend to fail. So I decided that this really sucks. (Believe me, I'm pretty sure that 'stuff' is not the word I most likely used.) Erich was talking about new jobs and such and I started to think about our insurance and how completely AWESOME our insurance benefits are right now. So I thought "hey idiot, considering half the year is almost over, maybe you should see what IF benefits are covered under said great insurance plan." So I called the insurance company, and the polite young man on the other end informed me that they would pay for testing, diagnosis, AND treatment 100%. Wow. So after I picked myself up off of the floor, I called the reproductive endocrinologist that I had been referred to. I asked the nice lady on the other end to make me an appointment. She asked me how soon I wanted the appointment. I thought that at first this was an incredibly silly question since I thought that it would take months even years to get an appointment. Imagine my surprise when she told me she had an appointment on the 14th. Um, wow. Okay. So I made the arrangements for my Mom to watch Magdalena during this time. The RE is about 45 minutes away so I'll be gone probably 3 hours. I've never left Magdalena for 3 hours with someone else so that makes me a bit nervous. I've also never left her for 3 hours and then left town, so that makes me a bit nervous to. But she loves my Mom and everything should be fine.

Back to my chart. So, I call this wonderful doctor who has great potent fertility drugs and make an appointment. A little later, I'm updating my chart and fertility friends decides that no I did not ovulate on CD 14 but on CD 21 and that I shouldn't test until next Tuesday ( the 14th). Do we all remember what happens on teh 14th? Yup, my appointment with the RE. Now if I come up pregnant the day I'm scheduled to arrange for potent fertility drugs I'll never stop laughing.

Questions and Answers

I need to address the comments that were left while I was on vacation.

Simone asked:

I'm curious to know is the hurt of TTC failure is as raw now as before Magdelena? The fact that you have her, doesn't make it easier? Maybe harder?

The pain is the same and different. It's hard to dwell on the pain and anxiety and failure that every women TTC with problems faces since Magdalena is constantly running around and laughing and playing. She really makes it easier because I actually have a baby and I will always have her. She brings me up when I am down. But she makes it harder. Since I now know what it is like to have that tiny baby kicking inside of me, I know what I am missing. And I desperately want to give her a playmate, someone to laugh and play with. I want to give her a sibling so that they can be close and count on each other. Some day Erich and I will be gone and I want to provide a bigger family for Magdalena so she will still have someone "on her side." I sometimes feel very selfish for wanting another child knowing that I was very lucky to get one. Some infertile women or women who face fertility hurdles, aren't as lucky as me. I can only describe the pain as getting your ears pierced. When they pierced the first one, it hurt, but it didn't seem as bad really because you didn't know quite what to expect. But when the pierced the second one, it hurt much worse. You knew the poke was coming, you knew what to expect, and you already flinching in anticipation of the pain.

Tina made this comment:

"Maybe you need to stop trying. Sometimes from the sheer stress of the situation is enough to keep you from getting pregnant. I've heard of many couples who try for a year or two with no pregnancies and when they finally stop, BOOM they're pregnant."

I'm going to assume that Tina only meant the best by this comment. But any woman who has had trouble conceiving will tell Tina that that comment hurts a lot. That comment makes it seem as if there is actually nothing wrong with my body and that it is all in my head. By making that comment, you deny me the right to grieve that my body doesn't work like the population who "fall pregnant." To make you understand this I've come up with this completely extreme situation.

So let's say my friend Jane is in kidney failure. She was put on a list for a kidney transplant and every day she worries and frets. She wonders, will this be the day I get my kidney transplant? She tells me how sad she is that she hasn't gotten a kidney yet and how bad it hurts to know that her body has failed her. So I come in and (trying to be helpful) tell her that maybe she should just relax. I tell Jane, " you are stressing out about this kidney stuff to much! Just relax, sit back and enjoy life. I'm sure as soon as you stop worrying about a kidney transplant, BOOM that phone will ring! It happens every day. "

Now that example is pretty wild and out there and I hope that I can safely assume none of you would ever say that to someone in renal failure. But that is exactly how I feel when someone tells me to stop complaining.

Stopping In...

Sorry, lots going on. My list of things to talk about here is growing but not today. Today I awoke to the sound of a vomiting baby. Vomiting right beside my head. It's amazin how quickly Erich and I can jump out of bed and get moving when awoken by the sound of vomit. Her fever has been 103 all day long but it finally seems to have broken and she is showing interest in food again. yay. More tomorrow.

Sounds Like Fun

01. Reply with your name and I will write something I like about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie/icon reminds me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, I'll tell you what it would be.
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal.

Comments, Questions, and More

There are comments that need to be addressed. :) I will get to it. We are still on vacation. Everything is going well and we are having fun. We were in Kansas City, MO up until yesterday. We left there and drove through St. Louis (during rush hour. heh. fun?) and are in Metropolis, IL, home of SUPERMAN! :) I want to go to the Superman museum before we leave. We're headed to Nashville, passing through, and will end up in Knoxville. We are headed up to see Gatlinburg on Thursday. And we are staying with grandparents tonight and tomorrow night in Knoxville. We'll be headed back to Indiana on Friday. I'll address the comments then, k?

Update

Okay, I finally got off my butt and started. I took a small tiny cat nap. You know the kind, where you can hear the TV in the background and you wake up and don't think you have slept any until you realize that the TV is on a different show. I'm about 3/4 of the way through the laundry. It shouldn't take to much longer. I've vacuumed the LR, fed Magdalena and myself, and picked up all the stuff. We ran errands and hit the bank and filled the gas tank up in the car. Next on my list is to do the dishes and finish cleaning up the kitchen. Then my mom should be here and her and Magdalena can pack the bag of toys. While they are doing that I can pack the clothes and such. Then I'll bathe Magdalena and pack up the toiletries. Then once Magdalena is asleep I'll load the car. And then Erich should be home and we'll shove off. I still have a lot to do, huh?

I Shouldn't Be Here

I should be packing, cleaning up my house, and doing massive amounts of laundry. But I'm not. I'm here, piddling around on the computer checking blogs and reading forums. Magdalena is just laying beside me too.
We'll be leaving tonight at midnight and traveling all night. In between laundry, cleaning, and packing I should take a gigantic nap. :)

I Shouldn't Be Here

I should be packing, cleaning up my house, and doing massive amounts of laundry. But I'm not. I'm here, piddling around on the computer checking blogs and reading forums. Magdalena is just laying beside me too.
We'll be leaving tonight at midnight and traveling all night. In between laundry, cleaning, and packing I should take a gigantic nap. :)

Sadness and other things

Time just seems to fly. Here is a recap of what we have been doing.

Saturday we left early and went to a festival. We did some shopping and got a few things that we needed/wanted. Erich bought a really nice executive chair and I'm calling that his birthday present. (His birthday is on the 22nd of June.) We ate dinner here and it was delicious! Erich wasn't a fan but I liked the dish I had. When we went home we did some major reorganizing. We finished the floor in Erichs office/guest room downstairs. We moved the sewing room which was on the main floor to the downstairs into the TV room. The former sewing room on the main floor became the play room. No more toys in the LR. yay. And I spent all week last week getting the nursery on the top floor back in order.

Sunday we had company. Magdalena had fun with her friend. Erich and his friend did who knows what downstairs. And my friend and I pickled cucumbers.

This week I've been getting ready for our trip. We leave Friday night and we'll be back next Friday.

Tomorrow a friend is coming over to help with some sewing. She is going to help me with the labor aspect of my business. It will help a lot and light a fire under my butt to get some stuff going.

On to sadness. I'm bummed on the TTC front. It isn't happening and it bugs me. I'm cycling correctly but I'm just not getting pregnant. The friend that is helping me is pregnant and it's so hard to be around her. And all of my online friends who were TTC are now pregnant and it just hurts so incredibly much. If I get another high temp tomorrow, fertility friend will confirm ovulation. This month would yield a Valentine Baby and a 25 month spacing. But I know in my heart that it won't be. The heartache is just unbearable.

13 Years

Thirteen years ago, my father died. I can't believe it's been thirteen years. I miss him so incredibly much. Sometimes I look at Magdalena and see my father and this overwhelming feeling of sadness and love comes over me. I am a part of him and therefore he is a part of my children. It's so crazy and great at the same time.

In other news, Magdalena will be 16 months old tomorrow. Wow. We leave for Missouri next weekend. And I'm on CD11. So we're busy busy people around here!

Beginnings and Endings

Two years ago today, Magdalena was conceived. What an awesome day huh? To get a postive pregnancy test today, would be having my cake and eating it too. But it wasn't to be folks. I'm starting to spot and I'm pretty sure AF will be here full swing tomorrow. It isn't over until the fat lady sings, but I can hear her doing her warmups. Maybe next month...

Happy Mothers Day!

It's mothers day also known as CD28 around here. FF changed my chart yesterday and said they really don't think I ovulated on CD14, they think I ovulated on CD15. So instead of being 14dpo today, I'm only 13dpo. So we didn't take a test this morning. I decided we'd wait and see if my period comes by Tuesday morning. Also, I can't handle the disappointment on Mothers Day, yk? I will say that I'm feeling super sick to my stomach but thats probably because I'm writing this without my glasses and I just got up and haven't ate.

Happy Mothers Day!

A Big Announcement

I've started my own cloth diapering business. The website is currently under construction but it can be found here. We are called Cloth Beginnings and we are super excited. You can view some things that are currently being sold here. If you feel like you want to support us, we welcome it! And if you win an auction with me, let me know you are a reader of my blog and you will get free shipping!

Also, if you are interested in being a tester, I currently need some help so leave me a message! :)